Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan: "Mother-child relationship should not be like a slave-master relationship"

Underlining the necessity of boundaries in human relationships, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that establishing personal boundaries is not easy and needs to be expressed appropriately to the other party. Stating that children need private space, he said, 'Most mothers see their child as a slave, like a limb. You can move your own arm or leg as you wish, but your child is not your limb. The mother-child relationship should not be like a slave-master relationship. This child is your child, but not yours to own; they are a separate individual. We call this the balance of individuation and integration.' 

Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, made statements regarding the importance of individual boundaries within the family.

Boundaries are necessary in human relationships

Stating that just as houses, apartments, and neighborhoods have boundaries, human relationships also require them, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "The measure of civilization is defined as humans making tools, carving stone. In fact, a more important civilization than carving stone is being able to build a fence. That is, being able to draw boundaries with neighbors and other people. Those who can draw this boundary become civilized. Similarly, there must be boundaries in human relationships. First, this must be accepted as a principle."

Without boundaries, relationships based on respect and trust cannot exist

Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that if there were no boundaries, people would constantly have to fight, and relationships based on respect and trust could not exist, adding, "Children of individuals raised without limits, irresponsibly, and insatiably also learn without knowing boundaries. On the other hand, the boundaries of an animal's offspring are genetically coded in the brain. Humans draw psychological boundaries; they have free will, their own private spaces, and territories." 

Children need private space

"Children do not know about private areas, they walk around naked. Parents need to teach them privacy," said Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, explaining, "If children are taught about private areas by being told not to allow anyone, including their parents, to touch the special parts of their body covered by underwear, issues such as sexual violence, harassment, and child abuse can be prevented."  
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan underlined that families should not enter their children's rooms without knocking, or rummage through their drawers and rooms. "Children have a sense of private space, a need for private space. If it is invaded, they want to run away from home as soon as possible. In such situations, a person cannot feel free; private space means an area where one feels safe." 

Children of controlling mothers start to object later on

Stating that there are intrusive mothers involved in everything, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "We used to call these mothers 'helicopter mothers,' now we call them 'stopping mothers.' To such an extent that when the child goes to the toilet, she knocks on the door and asks, 'What are you doing?' Children of such interfering, controlling mothers do not object to their mother until the age of 10, but when individuation begins, they start to feel both love and anger towards their mother, and challenge her. This time, the mother says, 'This child, who was once my third leg, is now rebelling against me.' If the child has a sense of autonomy, an even greater conflict occurs. If the child does not have a sense of autonomy, they obey at that moment, but after adolescence, they challenge their parents."

Most mothers see their child as a slave

Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that just as there are boundaries between spouses, there should also be boundaries between children and mothers, saying, "The mother-child relationship should not be like a slave-master relationship. Most mothers see their child as a slave, like a limb; sit, sit, stand, stand. You can move your own arm or leg as you wish, but your child is not your limb. This child is your child, but not yours to own; they are a separate individual. We call this the balance of individuation and integration."

They start learning relationships after 1 year old

Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that just as children don't know their boundaries, they can also be raised with rigid boundaries, stating, "If we start with someone who doesn't know their boundaries, such individuals, if they are in social life, cannot learn everything from their mother and father. That's why children need to learn human relationships after the age of 3, or even when they start walking after 1 year old. If you gather 1-year-old children in a room, when one cries, they all start to cry, why? Because they have empathy, but they haven't learned the limits of empathy. A child thinks another's pain is their own when someone cries. That's why they also start crying. But when they mature, they go and help the crying child, trying to understand why. That's how children learn that boundary at a young age."

The best way to learn boundaries is social contact!

Emphasizing that the best way to learn boundaries is social contact, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that children of isolated families living detached from the world cannot develop their social skills and fail in human relationships. Tarhan said, "They are either always excessive or have low self-confidence and are timid. If a person has too much self-confidence, they invade everyone's boundaries."

Underlining that establishing personal boundaries is not easy and needs to be expressed appropriately to the other party, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Here, sometimes even a facial expression without saying anything shows personal boundaries. For example, a child looks at their mother, and some parents have no emotional expression. That's what we encounter most often; they don't show their sadness or joy... The child cannot understand which is correct, acts as they wish, and this time the mother gets angry with the child. In such situations, when the child is sad, express your feelings, and when they do something wrong, explain the wrongness of it to them in an appropriate language."

If there is inconsistency, the child cannot learn social boundaries

Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that people with low emotional expression cannot set boundaries, and boundaries are drawn not only through words but also through body language and behavior. He explained, "When the child senses disapproval, they look with their eyes, understanding the disapproval from their mother's expression. If the mother's leadership over her child is good, the child withdraws. If the mother's leadership is not good, saying different things in the morning and evening, kissing in the morning and then saying 'why did I give birth to you' in the evening, the child will not take the mother as a reference. For the child to be able to take the mother and father as a reference, a structured, consistent, continuous relationship is needed. If there is inconsistency, the child cannot learn social boundaries."

Tarhan reinforced these words with his statements and examples, saying, "I even know families who walk around the house with the toilet door open in beachwear. The child goes outside similarly, social boundaries have not been taught or learned. In these situations, when I look, the parents are well-intentioned but cannot teach the child; there's a problem with facial expression. The child doesn't understand, it needs to be said. It is possible to tell someone the rudest, most painful thing in the most polite way. In such situations, if a bitter truth is to be told, one needs to sit down and think 'how can I say this without hurting my spouse or child?'" He underlined that when approached this way, the child will not perceive their parents' behavior as an unfair attack. "If the child perceives it as an unfair attack, they become stubborn, sulk, wet themselves, want revenge, or some enter a rebellious identity during adolescence."  

When overdone, social phobia can develop in children

Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that children see all kinds of good and bad things due to social media, the internet, and open doors at home, saying, "In such situations, raising a child and teaching social boundaries is even more difficult. 'Be lenient, don't conform to anyone, say no' are said; these are actually good things. But when you overdo it, the child develops timidity, social anxiety, and social phobia. In social phobia, when they enter a crowd, they can feel like everyone will make fun of them. It prevents risk-taking and entrepreneurship. In this era, assertiveness, entrepreneurship, and risk-taking are important in both social life and business life."

If you raise a child based on principles, they neither oppress nor are oppressed 

Stating that anger is like a flame within us, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan concluded his words as follows: "In a house with children, we already investigate whether there is an anger model for the children. If one of the parents solves problems by shouting and yelling when they cannot resolve them, and such a method has developed in the home, the child learns this as a problem-solving method. In the future, anger control also harms human relationships, makes mistakes, and becomes angry as they socialize. They cannot control their anger around their loved ones but can control it outside. This is actually oppressing one's spouse and family. While learning social boundaries, a person's conscientious norms are also important. Someone without conscientious norms oppresses the weak and fears the strong. In their mental map, there is a wrong learning such as 'obey the strong, crush the weak.' If you raise your child profit-oriented, this is what happens, but if you raise them principle-oriented, they neither oppress nor are oppressed."