Noting that the most effective factor underlying marital problems is couples drifting apart, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan warned, “The vast majority of men view marriage as a guarantee or a deed. The man gets engrossed in his work, and the woman gets engrossed in her child, and the time spent together decreases. Emotional investment in each other decreases. When it decreases, distance opens up. When distance opens up, infidelities begin.” Tarhan stated that in cases of infidelity, women should give a warning instead of ignoring the situation.
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan made important evaluations and recommendations regarding infidelity in marriage on AKRA FM's Marriage School program.
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that one of the most important concepts in the institution of marriage is loyalty, stating, “Marriage is like traveling on the same ship. There is an unwritten marriage contract in marriage. The most important clause of this contract is loyalty. Both parties must be loyal to each other. The word loyalty actually has two meanings. The first is attachment, the other is truthfulness. It comes from the root ‘sıdk’. Attachment means being bound to something. The word love also comes from the root of binding, that is, ivy.”
When love diminishes, trust is the first to erode
Emphasizing that mutual trust must be established in marriage, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “The most important emotion in marriage is trust. We used to call marriage a nest of love; now we call it a nest of trust. Love is already important for trust. Love is needed for trust to form. When love diminishes, trust is slowly the first thing to erode. In cases of infidelity, trust is shaken. A person never trusts their spouse. At least one year is needed to restore that trust.
Where there is no truthfulness, there is no attachment
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that there is a direct relationship between truthfulness and attachment in the institution of marriage, saying, “There is a horizontal relationship between truthfulness and attachment. That is, where there is no truthfulness, there is no attachment. If there is a lie somewhere, the first emotion to go is trust, and then peace. When trust is gone, the other party thinks, ‘My spouse can always lie.’ They can cheat at any moment because lying is a small step towards infidelity. Big fires start with small sparks. A spouse's infidelity in marriage is also a big fire. Therefore, if there is an open, transparent, honest, and accountable relationship between couples, that couple should not be afraid.”
The formula for lifelong love!
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that infidelity is always a result of a process that begins with a lie, saying, “If you want to avoid infidelity in marriage, you need to be open, transparent, and honest in your relationship with your spouse. Everyone has a bad part called 'nefis' (ego/lower self). As a counterpoint to 'nefis', there is also a benevolent part called the heart, oriented towards loving good things. The part of us that loves bad things is 'nefis', and our good part is the heart. That is, in our belief system, benevolent emotions and malevolent emotions are defined. If a person's home is warm and safe, they do not engage in another relationship outside, and they say no to tempting emotions. If there are problems at home, if they feel like a court has arrived when they come home, if there is constant tension, their heart starts to cool. When the heart cools, thoughts also start to cool. That is why it is necessary to keep love high at home. Love, plus honesty, equals lifelong love.”
When emotional investment decreases in marriage, distances open up
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that the most effective factor underlying marital problems is couples drifting apart, stating, “The vast majority of men view marriage as a guarantee or a deed. The man gets engrossed in his work, and the woman gets engrossed in her child, and the time spent together decreases. Emotional investment in each other decreases. When it decreases, distance opens up. When distance opens up, infidelities begin. In marriage, the emotional leader in love is the woman. The emotional leader is the woman. The man is more of a logical leader. That is, he deals with external reality. Psychological superiority is emotionally with the woman. The ability to empathize is more developed in women.”
Women act based on emotion, men based on thought
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that some people express their emotions through the language of anger, saying, “This situation occurs more often in men but also in women. Generally, this anger stems from the fear of loss. Women are emotion-focused and make decisions based on emotion. Men act based on thought. Eastern societies are also emotion-based. Eastern societies are feminine, Western societies are masculine. That is why philosophy emerged more in the West. The East centers emotions. That is why charismatic leaders emerge more in the East.”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that striking a balance between thought and emotion is now a necessity in this era we live in, stating, “In the East, Sufism has been very useful for finding the truth. That is why Mevlâna was very successful. Abdulkadir Geylani was successful for that reason.”
Women should not compromise
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that women create the ground for men who apply pressure and violence in marriages, stating, “Mothers make the first mistake here when raising their child. They advise, ‘Oh my daughter, just manage, just endure.’ The woman overlooks her husband's small mistakes. That small mistake resembles a virus. When a virus enters the body, an invitation to illness is issued. If you don't wash your hands, if you don't pay attention to hygiene, if you don't use medicine to treat the microbe when it's small, it will grow and can eventually overwhelm the immune system. Therefore, in a home where there are lies, infidelity is a consequence. Lying is the cause, infidelity is the result. A relationship without lies progresses healthily. If an open, transparent, honest relationship is established, problems can also be solved quickly. If communication is not established correctly, that is, if the man attempts to cheat on his wife. If the woman notices but doesn't confront him, the man thinks, ‘He's not complaining anyway, he's turning a blind eye, he's not objecting at all, everything's fine,’ and continues his wrongdoings. Therefore, the woman must speak up and give the necessary warning.”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that the woman should give her cheating husband a period of time, stating, “The woman should look not only at the man’s promise but also at his behavioral language. The man might not keep his word despite promising multiple times. She should pay attention to him coming home on time and not hiding his phone password. He should provide information about who he goes with and where. If infidelity recurs, she should tell her husband, ‘I forgave your mistake, but I no longer trust you,’ and give him a period of time.”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that negative behaviors such as lying and infidelity can be present as tendencies in every human being, stating, “However, whether or not to control this tendency depends on a person’s free will. That is, these tendencies are given to humans. Humans can control them with their will.”
Girls who witness infidelity do not marry…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also warned that this situation can lead to significant problems for children growing up in families where infidelity occurs, stating, “It is more dangerous for children to grow up in such an environment. It shakes their trust greatly. Girls who witness infidelity do not marry. It also becomes a negative role model for boys. Because his father cheated, he also cheats.”