Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, offered important advice to couples about marriage at the wedding ceremony he attended as a marriage witness. Tarhan emphasized that lifelong love does not come about on its own and definitely requires cooperation; “We say Love + cooperation = lifelong love. If there is cooperation, resilience and tolerance are required. Marriage is humanity's greatest discovery.” he said.
5S makes marriage more resilient…
Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, spoke about how the 5S rule makes crises in marriage more resilient and further increases the quality of marriage.
Tarhan; “There is a 5S rule that I emphasize a lot. The 5S rule is applicable not only in marriage but for everyone. Being able to apply it makes crises more resilient in many marriages and further increases the quality of marriage. It results in a peaceful marriage and, especially, helps raise good children. One of the 5S is 'sevgi' (love). Love is important, but there is also what is known as unconditional love, compassion. This love is one of the 5S rules. The second is the rule of 'saygı' (respect). If love is water, respect is its container. If one does not know their boundaries, that love goes astray and ceases to be beneficial. Therefore, respect is very important; there is even a greater form of respect called 'nezaket' (courtesy/kindness). One can show respect out of fear, but courtesy involves empathy, the feeling of not hurting the other party, and the feeling of giving importance. Respect in marriage should be in the form of courtesy, and love should be in the form of compassion. The third S is 'sabır' (patience). One of the important things mentioned in marriage is patience. Of course, if life is a journey, the journey of life is like climbing a mountain. The journey of life is not a flat road, flowery, or with gardens. It's like a journey up a mountain; there are stones, pits, and obstacles. Being able to overcome these obstacles is very important. When faced with difficulties, being able to endure that difficulty and not giving up on one's goal is what we want to emphasize here.” he said.
“Western culture views marriage as a struggle between men and women”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, noting that the greatest weapon in marriage belongs to those who have developed the power of endurance and the ability to be patient; “Hz. Mevlana says; 'We are not living in the world, we are passing through the world.' If there is an examination, there are questions. The calamities, illnesses, troubles, and obstacles that appear before us on our life journey are all questions for us. It is necessary to answer that question correctly. If we can answer correctly, we can advance to a higher level. Therefore, the obstacles we encounter on our life journey, in this examination, are something that can cause us to develop. Every difficulty, every threat, every illness, every calamity has a threat dimension and an opportunity dimension. Some complaining individuals always complain about the threat dimension, but there is an opportunity dimension that develops a person. Therefore, in such situations, the most important and needed thing is patience. We call this resilience training. People who can do this progress more healthily in such situations. In our Anatolian culture, couples are not called 'çift,' but 'refik' and 'refika.' This means male and female travel companions. In other words, these concepts best express marriage. They are travel companions as they progress on the path of life. The other is not your rival. Western culture views marriage as a struggle between men and women. There is a teaching of modernism that whoever is stronger between men and women should dominate. Against this, we definitely embarked on a journey as we set out on the path of life in marriage. Marriage is about being companions. It is important to see marriage with this perspective. Here, the greatest weapon belongs to those who have developed the power of endurance and the ability to be patient. Patience is actually not a talent, but a skill. It is acquired, not inborn.” he said.
“Marriage is humanity's greatest discovery”
Continuing his speech by mentioning the fourth S, Tarhan said; “The fourth S is 'sadakat' (fidelity/loyalty). The biggest nightmare of modernism is infidelity. Fidelity has two important meanings: one is attachment/commitment, and the second is truthfulness. Being committed to our spouse in marriage is important, but being truthful is also important. It is such that if there is no honesty, that marriage simply doesn't work. Where there is no honesty, there is no healthy relationship, in fact, no relationship at all. That's why we say love + cooperation = lifelong love. Lifelong love does not happen on its own; it definitely requires cooperation. If there is cooperation, resilience is needed, and the individual needs the power of tolerance. Mating is biological, marriage is cultural. Marriage is humanity's greatest discovery. Where there is no family, there is no society, no children, and generations perish. Therefore, just as a building has foundation stones, the family is the cornerstone of society. That is why we can only transmit our own culture if we keep the institution of the family alive. If the institution of the family did not exist against these evils in the world, we would not be able to carry out this cultural transmission. Family is an important element for us.” he stated.
“When trust is formed, friendship and warm relationships emerge”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan spoke about how strong emotions create trust in the other person's brain. Tarhan; “Being sincere in close relationships and experiences is very important. People say there is a miracle in sincerity, especially in sincere relationships. Some scientific studies conducted during sincerity show that when there is a strong feeling of sincerity, mirror neurons, which are mirror nerve cells, are activated in the other person's brain. That is, strong emotions create trust in the other person's brain, and when trust is formed, friendship and warm relationships emerge. Without sincerity, there is no mirroring in the other person's brain, and nerve cells and trust do not form. There are studies on the neurobiology of intention. In close relationships and experiences, you must respect the other person's privacy, apologies, and the person themselves. If you cannot respect this, you cannot establish a balanced relationship; you become sticky with people and then you declare war on each other. Therefore, establishing that distant relationship is also valid within the family. Life in these marriages will inevitably have storms, there will be difficult days.” he said.
“It is important for the family and home to be a safe space”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, pointing out that children emulate three things in the family; “Children emulate three things. The mother, the father, and their relationship. If the parent-child relationship is good, do not fear that child will use drugs, use substances, become a bad child, become an atheist, or a deist. If you create a common language at home, if the home is a safe space, a warm space, if the child sees the home as a refuge, if they run home from school, do not fear; even if that child makes a mistake, they will find their way back home. Therefore, it is important for the family, the home, to be a safe space. We used to call families 'nests of love.' Now we call them 'nests of trust.' Indeed, if there is love, fear decreases, and trust increases, but for trust to form, there must be honesty in love.” he said.