The August guest of the “We Ask an Expert” programs organized by the Konak Youth and Sports Club Association was Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector and Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan. The talk titled “Family: The Last Refuge” was held online. Tarhan stated that marriage means establishing a balance between freedom and responsibility, and added that people determine whether they are ready for marriage with a marriage maturity test.
“Social walls in society have collapsed”
The program, moderated by Emre Şimşek, President of Konak Youth and Sports Club Association and also a TRT Radio announcer, was attended by Bedriye Tunçsiper, Rector of İzmir Demokrasi University, Ali Mamak, Term President of İzmir Civil Society Organizations Platform (ISTOK), and many residents of İzmir.
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, speaking about how much our cultural transmission has changed in society, said, “Why did we call the family the last refuge? Because imagine society as a fortress… For example, let's think of Diyarbakır Castle… There are huge walls around it. It is indeed a vast fortress. When the walls of that fortress are breached, they enter. Inside, there is an inner fortress where very special situations are preserved, at least buying time. When the outer walls of the fortress collapse, the inner fortress is entered. Now, the social walls in society have collapsed. Social norms have disintegrated. There is anomie, social anomie. We don't know what is right or wrong. Our cultural transmission is no longer carried out by neighborhoods, social norms, or family. Our cultural transmission is now entirely done by media. In such a situation, media can very easily change our child's mental conditioning. Media can change young people's worldview, their importance, and priorities.”
“A digital transformation is being experienced after the nineties”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, touching upon the impact of the internet on young people from past to present, said, “The internet first appeared in '93. It became widespread after 2003. Facebook was founded in 2008 and caused a significant global change. We refer to generations X, Y, and Z based on age ranges. Some object to this, asking why we label them. Don't call them X, Y, Z, but there's something conceptual that needs to be defined. Generation X is the radio generation, Generation Y is the television generation, a more middle generation, and Generation Z is the social media generation, meaning they look at life through the social media window. Previous generations communicated via radio and television. The change started then. But social media is unlike any of them.”
“There is a policy of de-identifying under the guise of equality”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, speaking about how de-identification leads to conflicts in marriages, said, “The identity of women and men comes culturally, not genetically. Biological sex is genetic, but sexual identity is cultural. It is related to learning. Female energy and male energy are not the same. When they are not, in a situation where men are like women and women are like men, the complementarity of women and men will disappear. There is such a de-identification policy under the guise of equality. When there is de-identification, marriages do not proceed healthily.”
“In Turkey, there is a cultural infrastructure that views male-female relationships as master-slave relationships”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that the reason for violence against women in Turkey is different from what is stated, saying, “Currently, there are statistics; the top 10 countries with the highest violence against women in the world have been identified. Unfortunately, Turkey is first. The United States is second, followed by Finland, Denmark, Norway, and Sweden. These countries have had out-of-wedlock birth rates like 59%, 60% for 30-40 years, even since the seventies, in France, Norway, Sweden, and 69% in Iceland. In Turkey, this rate is 2.6%, 2.9% for out-of-wedlock births. Even though freedom in this regard has become extremely widespread there, violence against women has not decreased. These countries tried to resolve this with freedoms and sexual identity issues, but they could not. Because there is another reason. The biggest reason for violence against women in Turkey, in my opinion, is the patriarchal culture. There is a cultural infrastructure that views male-female relationships as master-slave relationships. This is something that can be remedied through education.”
“Marriage means establishing a balance between freedom and responsibility”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, touching upon the connection between freedom and marriage, said, “Marriage means establishing a balance between freedom and responsibility. We have a marriage maturity scale. We apply it to those who are ready or not ready for marriage. When we apply the marriage maturity scale, do you know what we encounter most often? Prolonged adolescence in men. Some men reach 35-40 years old and still haven't finished adolescence. Meaning, they say they will be married, but also say they will live as they please. I even read in newspapers; in İzmir, a young man has his wedding a day later, and the day before, he gathered all his ex-girlfriends and is throwing a bachelor party. His fiancée learns about this. Can you imagine, this person doesn't even know the responsibility of marriage yet. There is no marriage maturity. These things need to be taught. Young people in the new generation, the generation we call Gen Z, are very self-centered, very conformist, but also very charming. That is, when they have good examples, they quickly adapt and improve. I liken this to H2O. H2O, hydrogen and oxygen, float freely in the atmosphere. Both are free. When hydrogen and oxygen come together, they become a different molecule. That is, they become a new lifestyle. Their old freedoms are gone. But because they become a new source of life, they can be happier and more productive in that source of life. Humans are just like this. If someone says, after getting married, they will be married but still live as they please, we tell that person, 'don't get married'.”
“Where there is no family, a safe space is not formed”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, speaking about how effective family is in our lives, said, “A child takes three things as an example. They take the mother as an example, the father as an example, and also the relationship between the mother and father. If the parents have a healthy relationship at home and good cooperation, that child looks at life with more confidence and steps into it more securely. In other words, their home has become a safe space. They see their home as a refuge. In the past, we called marriage a 'nest of love'. We changed it to a 'nest of trust'. Because love is needed for trust to form. If you have love, fear goes away, and as fear decreases, trust increases. That's why there is a positive correlation between love and trust. When love increases, fear decreases, and trust increases. When trust increases, love also increases. That's why love alone is not enough. In this situation, a good cooperation emerges only if there is trust.”