Emphasizing the importance of couples being at a balanced level economically, socially, and educationally in marriages, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan highlights the significance of intellectual and emotional compatibility. Noting that factors such as physical appearance, diplomas, and economic power are not sufficient on their own for a marriage to last, Tarhan also drew attention to the importance of personality and character traits.
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan made important evaluations and recommendations regarding couples' educational backgrounds and ego battles in marriages during the AKRA FM Marriage School program.
Stating that sometimes a person's educational background or diploma is given much more consideration in partner selection, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said that personality traits and character are much more important.
Noting that a person's diploma is not a certificate of their personality but a professional document, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “A diploma is not a measure of worth. Sometimes, the meaning attributed to a diploma by some people is seen as a measure of a person's worth, a measure of quality, or a measure of humanity. A person who has studied, received an education, and somehow experienced the university environment and culture has more life experience. Education is a different thing.”
Life skills have gained more importance
Noting that grades evaluate lesson notes on one page and behavior on the other, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, regarding the evaluation of behavior, “This section is mostly overlooked, not even read. In fact, throughout the world, especially the most important skills in the 21st century are not technical skills, but life skills. Technical skills, for example, a diploma is a technical document. It shows a person's success in their professional field, but it does not show life skills.”
You marry a personality, not a diploma…
Noting that a person's character and personality are important, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “A diploma can certainly be important in the person to be married, but their personality is also important. So, you are not marrying that person's diploma. You are marrying their personality. Before marriage, it is important whether the person has marital maturity. In marriage, everyone has their pros and cons. Some are superior in certain areas. Physical appearance, education level, character traits, social roles – decisions are made based on whichever of these is compatible. When deciding on marriage, it is necessary to thoroughly evaluate both the meaning the person gives to marriage and the meaning they give to a diploma.”
Diploma and profession are not identity
Stating that individuals with high egos can view their education level as an identity, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Sometimes such people see a diploma not as an outfit but as skin. Skin cannot be changed. Whereas a profession is like an outfit. It is not an identity. A profession is not a lifestyle, it is a means of livelihood. Some people want to bring the characteristics of their profession home. A person's role in professional life is different from their roles at home. Role sharing must be done correctly. In incorrect role sharing, a person cannot communicate properly with their spouse or children.”
It is necessary to develop life skills
Noting that life skills have come to the forefront in the 21st century we are in, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “It is necessary to develop life skills. This is something that needs to be strengthened starting from primary school. A branch of science has developed for this. The name of this branch of science is ‘Positive Psychology’. Currently, these courses are taught in leading universities around the world such as Yale, Harvard, and Bristol universities. As a university, we have been teaching this course since 2013. These are actually life skills courses. Anyone who cannot manage their emotional intelligence cannot manage their life. They see life only as a money machine. People see each other as benefit machines. In such an environment, a person has many things, but their life becomes unhappy, aimless, and meaningless.” he spoke.
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that one of the 21st-century skills is mental flexibility, and said, “If a person has mental flexibility, they establish better connections between events. They engage in deep learning. They engage in relational learning. They look at cause-and-effect, before-and-after relationships. They learn by establishing connections with these. They make fewer mistakes and make healthier decisions in life.”
Intellectual and emotional compatibility with a prospective spouse is important
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that sometimes a balance can be established in spouse selection even if the woman is educated and the man is economically strong, and said, “The man may not have a diploma, but he may have tremendous life success. He employs dozens of people with diplomas. In such cases, his being a primary school graduate is not a flaw. It is very important for him to use his commercial intelligence, take the right position in the right place, make the right decisions, and take the right steps. In marriage, it is important that both parties are intellectually and emotionally compatible with each other.”
Marriages built on visibility do not last
Stating that the two important investments in a person's life are spouse selection and career choice, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “A person should be very meticulous about both. After marriage, they should not look for flaws. When we say, ‘Open your eyes wide before marriage. Open them halfway after marriage,’ we are actually saying that you should accept your spouse as they are. No one is flawless. You will now see your spouse, whom you previously saw with makeup, without makeup. You will wake up in your most natural state in the morning.
There will be two disheveled people wandering around the house. They won't be as well-groomed as before. Especially as they get older, we see that some men start to dislike their wives as they become economically stronger. We live in a world based on visuals. Descartes once said, ‘I think, therefore I am.’ Nowadays, modernism says, ‘I appear, therefore I am.’ Modernism has reduced life and everything to appearance, to visuals. Marriages built on visibility also do not last. Some people present themselves differently than they are, but after a long journey, you realize that this person was the wrong person. Therefore, in conscious marriages, a person should put aside the pros and cons and decide based on which outweighs the other when asking, ‘Is this the right candidate?’” he advised.
Stating that love is a good beginning and reason in marriage, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “But the result emerges from good cooperation. There is ‘mature love’ and there is ‘pathological love’. Pathological love is now a diseased love. It is to the degree of an illness. They become attached, do not leave their side, do not want to share them with anyone. They cannot tolerate them talking even to their mother. It becomes a pathological jealousy. They hold their spouse captive and enslave them.”
The secret to success in marriage is emotional intelligence training
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that the secret to success in marriage is emotional intelligence training, and said, “The secret to success in professional life is also emotional intelligence training. What is known as behavior development is actually emotional intelligence training. Because for a behavior to form, that is, for a person to develop that behavior, there must first be a thought. There must be a goal. Emotion will be added to the goal. When emotion is added, this turns into a belief. When it turns into a belief, and it starts to repeat, it turns into a habit. After repeating it for about six months, it becomes a habit. For it to become automatic in the brain, it needs to be repeated for 6 months. When it turns into a belief, it turns into action. This requires effort, endeavor, and setting goals.” he spoke.
The enemy of marriage is selfishness
Noting that the biggest enemy of marriage is selfishness, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Problems arise in systems focused solely on 'I' or individual-centric systems. Instead of individual benefit, the common benefit of family members should be considered and observed.”