Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan was the guest of VakıfBank's 'V Meets' talks. In the talk, attended by VakıfBank employees from across Turkey, Tarhan made striking statements under the heading 'Communicating with New Generations'. Stating that digitalization also affects the communication of the new generation born into digital technology, Tarhan emphasized that children turn to social media as a stress reduction method. Tarhan also added that young people feel lonely today due to social isolation, and that the sacred pursuit of the age is pleasure. Tarhan reminded that there is no need to fear developing technology and underlined that instead of opposing artificial intelligence, it should be learned to be used for the right purpose.
The online talk, moderated by Journalist Şaban Özdemir, garnered significant interest from VakıfBank employees across Turkey. During the talk, Tarhan also answered participants' questions.
“The reason for loneliness is social isolation”
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, drawing attention to the increase in loneliness as a result of social isolation, said; “Communication has gained a very different importance in relationship development. What strikes us most in communication problems is the excessive social isolation. The reason for loneliness is social isolation. Young people feel lonely… They are lonely but unaware of it. They haven't known life; they were suddenly born into social media. Since they were born into social media, this has become their norm. They talk to everyone on social media, changing their identities in the process. The identity of the other party is also unknown; communication is established this way. In their homes, which are seen as safe on social media platforms, they can be exposed to very unsafe things. As a result, psychological problems have increased significantly among young people. Runaways, drug use, bringing weapons to school, various peer bullying, etc., have increased. This situation has also increased in Turkey and has started to be discussed currently.”
“Cohabitation has replaced marriage”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the new generation of youth finds cohabitation more appealing than marriage; “Young people say, ‘Why should I bother getting married when I can live as I please?’ Cohabitation is very common among young people; they live in the same house. Cohabitation has replaced marriage. In Western societies, which we describe as developed economically but experiencing a serious cultural shift, out-of-wedlock birth rates are very high. Now, new generations do not want marriage. As a result, the habit of cohabitation increases.”
Social media negatively affects a child's developmental stages…
Prof. Dr. Tarhan emphasized that children should access information they need on social media; “Just as social media influences voter behavior, it also negatively affects a child's developmental stages. It negatively impacts psychosocial developmental stages. For example, there's a period when a child learns abstract thinking, sexuality. In every period, a child should encounter information that they can perceive according to their psychological level and mental capacity, and that they need. They encounter information that is not appropriate for their developmental stages. As a result, when children encounter information inappropriate for their age and psychological development, various behavioral problems arise.”
“Children turn to social media as a stress reduction method”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan emphasized that children learn violence in three ways; “The most commonly learned is live violence, from first-degree relatives, also known as domestic violence within the family, between spouses or directed at children. If these exist, the child models this. If a child witnesses live violence, they imitate it and adopt it more easily. Second-degree violence is violence influenced by television. Third is violence influenced by cartoons. If the family environment is warm, a trusted space for the child, like a sanctuary, the child runs home from school happily. But if they come home as if coming to court, are constantly judged, or do not feel safe at home, those children turn to social media more as a stress reduction method. For stressed, anxious children, home is not a safe space. The most common stress reduction techniques involve the child turning to social media. The second most common reason is loose discipline in the family. Loose discipline is a system that allows everything in a child's upbringing. An overly liberal, rule-less family environment is created. Home should be a place with rules. When there is a loose discipline environment, breakfasts are not eaten together, meals are not eaten together, time spent together is very little, the house is used like a hotel, no one interferes with anyone. In such an environment where excessive liberalism, limitlessness, irresponsibility are confused with freedom, a child growing up in a loose discipline environment learns what is good, right, beautiful, and wrong from social media because they cannot learn it from their mother.”
“If we use our life capital wisely, we will be among the winners”
Tarhan emphasized that children should be taught to live by rules until the age of ten; “After the age of ten, a child begins to individualize. Despite their parents, they try to exist in life, search for and find their own identity. They try to overcome identity confusion. Children need to be taught to live by rules until the age of ten. Budget management needs to be taught; those who can manage money can manage their lives. If you know your purpose, you can manage your financial resources, your budget. Someone who does not know their purpose cannot manage their budget. The strategic goal will be clear, a roadmap will be drawn, and strategic accumulations will be made accordingly. Input control will be increased to expand the pool, and output control will be monitored to prevent leaks. The family budget and the state budget are not different; this needs to be taught to children at a young age. Just as a bank's budget is managed, we must manage psychological capital, social capital, time capital, and life capital in the same way. If we use our life capital wisely, we will be among the winners; if we use it poorly, we will be among the losers.”
“The rhetoric of 'break the chains, tear down the walls, live as you please' is irresponsibility, not freedom”
Tarhan pointed out that instrumental goals are intermediate steps that lead a person to their ultimate goal; “Let's give our children an ego ideal in life that requires effort, hard work, struggle, and endurance. Let's ask, ‘What kind of person do you want to be when you reach the end of your life, what kind of mark do you want to leave?’ A house, a car are instrumental goals; alongside these, there are ultimate goals, which are the true high goals. High goals aim at what kind of person one will be at the end of life. Instrumental goals, on the other hand, are the intermediate steps leading to the goal. Just saying ‘I want a house and a car’ is nice, but these alone do not constitute an ego ideal; these are merely tools leading to an ego ideal. If we teach our child these things, when a wrong thought or the desire to do something wrong comes to them, they will say, ‘My purpose was this, I was going to go there, so I shouldn't get caught up in this.’ In other words, true freedom is being able to say no to the seductive desires and impulses within us. The rhetoric of ‘break the chains, tear down the walls, live as you please’ is irresponsibility, not freedom.”
“Instead of opposing artificial intelligence, let's use it for the right purpose”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that we should use technology for a specific purpose; “Currently, artificial intelligence is surprising scientists greatly. When you connect to the internet, your artificial intelligence faces you with information like a library. Something that answers everything you ask emerges, and we cannot prevent this. Technology itself is, in fact, neutral. Instead of opposing this, we need to make an effort to use it for good and right purposes, for a specific aim. Winds help a ship with a clear destination but drift aimless ships hither and thither. They always say the wind flies the kite, but what flies the kite is its position against the wind. The position we take against artificial intelligence will be decisive. It will show whether we use it for our benefit or against us. Therefore, instead of opposing artificial intelligence, let's use artificial intelligence for the right purpose.”
“A stress-free life is a conformist life”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that zero stress is not possible; “Some parents want to raise their child stress-free, which is not possible. A stress-free life is a conformist life; a person who remains in their comfort zone does not develop, they become dull. When our brain remains in its comfort zone, the reproductive factor in the brain does not activate, and when it cannot produce growth factors, it cannot produce growth cells. When growth cells cannot be produced, the brain also collapses, creating paths in the brain. Unless the brain receives stimuli, and as long as it remains in a comfortable area, the brain stays the same, and one of the biggest causes of Alzheimer's is a lack of stimuli, loneliness. Therefore, controlled stress is beneficial. Like riding a bicycle, if you use it in a controlled manner, you approach the goal, and your muscles and nerves work, bringing you closer to the goal. If you don't use it at all, you won't learn to ride a bicycle, you won't develop at all, but if you use it hastily and uncontrollably, you will fall. In life, too, controlled stress is beneficial in the same way. You will comfort your child with the ability to remain calm under stress. Being a parent is not about being perfect, but about being a parent who teaches a child about life calmly under stress.”
The primary condition for listening is to be an active listener
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, emphasizing that listening behavior is very effective in healthy communication; “The primary condition for listening is to be an active listener, meaning a person seems to be listening to someone but is actually thinking about the answer they will give. This is not being a listener. For a person to be a listener, according to the principle of emotional communicating vessels, if the water level is high in one place and they make contact, these water levels will equalize after a while. Human psychological needs also work within such communicating vessels. Someone has a psychological need for a topic, and you have information that will respond to that psychological need. If you establish empathetic communication with the other party with that information set, the information set in you passes to the other party, and if a person wants to learn, they take the information from the knowing person and start to teach themselves. For this, the channels between them need to be open. Questioning is important against this, but one should not be judgmental. Questioning and judging are different. In judging, one says 'I know' and approaches the other party critically, but in questioning, one approaches to understand. If you approach the other party without judging to understand, they will learn something, and you will learn something, but if you approach by judging, by looking down, by questioning, you will learn nothing, only a defensive feeling will develop.”
“Being open to criticism is part of empathy”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, also touching upon the concept of empathetic learning; “In the universe, mistakes are part of perfection. Development occurs where there are mistakes. Being open to criticism is very important. Being open to criticism from the very beginning of empathetic emotional transmission, if narcissistic individuals are also open to criticism, they overcome their narcissism. Someone who is not open to criticism walks around with their ego as their largest organ, unable to develop at all. Being open to criticism is part of empathy. Empathetic learning is putting oneself in the other person's place but maintaining one's own identity, looking at the subject from their perspective, and learning in that way. Being open to criticism is important, so the first condition for empathetic learning is active listening, and the second step is being open to criticism.”
“The sacred pursuit of this era has become the pursuit of pleasure”
Tarhan emphasized that in this era, individuals who can manage their pleasures will be successful; “Currently, we are living in an age of pleasure and ambition. The sacred pursuit of this era has become the pursuit of pleasure, hedonism. Wars of sacredness are being fought over hedonism. Therefore, in such an era, the person who can manage their tastes and pleasures will be successful. Those who want to satisfy their pleasures immediately and do not want to postpone them will lose. Individuals who can successfully postpone their pleasures and delights will achieve their goals better in this era. That is, being able to educate young people in this direction is more important, so we need to teach children, young people, and ourselves not only mathematical and mental skills but also social and emotional skills.”