Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, was the live broadcast guest of the program organized by İstanbul Eyüpsultan Municipality. Making evaluations on the topic of “Family Values and Marriage,” Tarhan pointed out that there is an increase in divorces due to the Western thought that deifies the individual. Noting that divorces in Western culture have risen above 50%, while this rate is 38% in our country, Tarhan said there is a serious divorce trend in the world. Noting that if there is no happiness, the home will turn into a hotel, Tarhan added that the magic word in marriage is being able to make the home a warm nest.
“The 5S Rule in Marriage Solves Crises”
In the broadcast moderated by Clinical Psychologist Merve Akçil, Tarhan addressed how crises can be solved with certain key concepts in marriage, and made explanations about the 5S Rule. Tarhan said: “There are 5 magic concepts that those who want to start and end their marriages beautifully can apply. By making these keywords, they can overcome many difficulties and solve crises. The first is love. When one says love alone, some people understand it as being in love. Love and compassion are not the same. When love and empathy combine, compassion emerges. It's a love that contains empathy. The second S is patience. Nowadays, there is haste and impatience among young people and in marriages. Patience is to comply with nature's rate of productivity. When a person learns patience, they do not fall into despair with difficulties and can find a way out. Hasty and impatient people give up very easily. They change their decisions and regret it. However, a person who has set their goal and drawn a roadmap, if plan A fails, there will be plan B; they do not give up their goal, they endure, they persevere. The third is respect. A person loves but has no respect. They hurt very easily but they love. This makes one say, 'May such love not exist.' Respect and love complement each other. The fourth is sincerity. In close relationships, sincerity and cordiality are required. There is a neuroscience of sincerity, cordiality, and good intention. When a well-intentioned person intends something, mirror neurons related to it work in their brain, mirror neurons are activated in the other party's brain, and trust is formed in the other party. We should see sincerity as an important value in marriage. The fifth S is loyalty (sadakat); this word has two meanings. We think of loyalty as secure attachment, but loyalty comes from the word 'sıdk'. In Arabic, it means truthfulness. Without truthfulness, there is no secure attachment. Not telling lies is very important in loyalty.”
“If there is no happiness, the home turns into a hotel…”
Highlighting the importance of feeling happy, peaceful, and secure in marriage, Tarhan underlined that no material power can provide these feelings. Tarhan said: “If marriage does not make a person happy, what good is it if all of Istanbul were yours! If there is no peace, no happiness, and you don't feel secure and sheltered, the home turns into a hotel. In that case, healthy children do not grow up. The Western world is in such a situation regarding family. What we understand by happiness is important. Happiness and peace are not the same. The continuity and controllability of happiness are important. When your goal is happiness, you cannot catch it. Happiness is like a colorful shadow. If you try to catch it, it runs away. Don't aim for happiness, do your work according to that aim. One needs to invest in happiness; it doesn't come by itself. Happiness has become a branch of science. We teach well-being, as Positive Psychology, in classes. Harvard added these courses to its curriculum in 2015, and Yale in 2018. As Üsküdar, we started offering this course in 2013. This era is one where speed and pleasure are on the rise. Modernism and imperialism voluntarily took over people. To avoid falling into pleasure traps, one must be able to say no. In the West, people use drugs due to the search for happiness. These are things that deplete serotonin in the brain,” he stated.
“Divorces are increasing due to the thought that deifies the individual”
Tarhan pointed out that divorces are increasing due to the Western thought that deifies the individual; “Some psychologists trained in the West, when conducting couple therapy, destroy the family by prioritizing the individual with an approach like 'the family is not sacred, you are sacred'. In Western culture, divorces have risen above 50%; there is a serious divorce rate. In Turkey, it has excessively increased to 38%. In such situations, there is a serious relationship between the happiness of the individual and the happiness of the family. Can parents be happy when their child is unhappy? A smart man, if he wants peace in his home, makes his wife happy. When his wife is happy, she also makes her child happy. In this way, an area of happiness is created. One of the steps in the science of happiness is for a person to have a mental sanctuary. This is called self-acceptance. One of the most important elements of positive psychology is psychological resilience. For a person to be at peace with themselves, they need self-acceptance, to accept themselves with their flaws as they are,” he said.
“Western culture encourages competition, not complementarity”
Tarhan, stating that “ego wars are the first thing thought of in marriage from the beginning,” made striking statements about the role of women in society. Tarhan said: “Marriage begins with power and competition, like 'what I say, what you say,' 'my money, your money,' 'my mother, your mother.' Western culture encourages competitiveness, not complementarity. It suggests, 'if he shouts at you, you shout back at him.' For years, there has been discrimination in terms of women's rights. Unfortunately, second-class treatment towards women exists everywhere. An understanding that sees women as serving men prevails. However, women and men are equal in opportunities. They are not biologically equal, but they are equal in rights and opportunities. For the first time in human history, women were given inheritance rights during the time of Prophet Muhammad. During the French Revolution, discussions like 'Are women human?' were held. Mesopotamian culture is an oppressive culture. With the effects of this culture, women are marginalized in society. During the Roman era, women were seen as slaves, given from their father's house to their husband's house. In the 1700s, Nietzsche said: "All being is male; woman must serve him." Aristotle saw women as second-class. Our culture has corrected many of Aristotle's mistakes. Later, these cultural changes took centuries. Mesopotamian culture continued to be dominant, but in this century, we must change this. The Western world has somehow overcome this, and we must overcome it too. In marriage, the man must accept this. Debates arise because he cannot accept this. The second reason is that fights arise from ego wars in marriage. It becomes a power, competitive relationship. They establish dominance over each other,” he said.
“It's the brain, not the heart, that falls in love”
Tarhan, stating that marriage and love are different concepts, touched upon the responsibilities that marriage brings. Tarhan said: “Love is important in marriage, it's a very beautiful thing. However, love is not the cause, but the result in marriage. People state that they are not in love as their reason for not marrying. This is a wrong perspective. Those who marry while in love divorce after 6 months; love suddenly evaporates. This means that love and cooperation create lifelong love. If you cannot cooperate well, love evaporates. There is a saying, 'love is blind, if mothers-in-law didn't exist'. Mothers-in-law often appear in love, so even if they are in love, the realities of life are very different from the feelings that love gives. If Leyla and Mecnun were to meet in this era, neither Leyla nor Mecnun would remain. Because love has a chemistry. When I say this, literary figures get angry, but unfortunately, it's true. Love causes dopamine, serotonin, endorphin, and oxytocin to be secreted in the brain. The brain rejoices when one falls in love. In fact, it is the brain, not the heart, of the person who falls in love. Catching and continuing this requires serious effort,” he said.
“The magic word in marriage is being able to make the home a warm nest”
Tarhan, stating that good children will grow up with warm relationships provided in the family; “For a family, there is nothing more joyful than raising good children. If you aim to raise virtuous, good people, you will use what you have well. Raising good people is the product of the home, its production in the family. If we want to make this production well, there must be an atmosphere of peace, a warm atmosphere at home. The child should not come home afraid, as if coming to court. The child should see the home as a shelter, and so should the spouses. If a man can make his wife say, 'Let me come home as soon as possible to chat, let the home be a warm environment,' then that child will not become addicted. The magic word is being able to make the home a warm nest; sexuality comes later. If there is a warm relationship, sexuality follows its natural course. We used to say 'nest of love' for marriage. But now we say 'nest of trust'. For trust, there must be love; when there is love, fear decreases. Trust is automatically provided. In marriage, there should be an embracing, inclusive love, not a selfish one. In our holy book, the love within a woman in marriage is described as 'vedut'. Love with more peace and trust than compassion. With such high love, a person overcomes crises more easily, raises good children, and finds peace,” he emphasized the necessities for creating a peaceful family environment.