An online interview program was held with Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, as part of the “365 Day Family” Project, supported by the General Directorate of Civil Society Relations of the Ministry of Interior, with scientific consultancy from Üsküdar Üniversitesi and executed by the Valuable Lives Education Association (DEHADER). Tarhan highlighted that family mentorship is a 365-day, long-term, and goal-oriented process. The interview thoroughly discussed the global transformation and cultural differences in family structure. Addressing the concepts of post-traumatic growth and explorative despair, Tarhan also emphasized the importance of solution-oriented communication, a complementary relationship model, and maintaining hope.
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Vice-Rector Prof. Dr. Türker Tekin Ergüzel also participated in the online interview. The moderation of the interview was carried out by Mine Yeter from DEHADER.
“If we don't take precautions, we could be in the same situation 20 years from now…”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, drawing attention to family mentorship being a long-term process, began his words by saying; “Family mentorship is a 365-day process. Extending this over 365 days means a project where we can collaborate with educators to guide families at all times. Here, it is necessary to correctly establish the content of the project. We have turned the family topic into a book and printed modules. All of these modules became a book of nearly a thousand pages. All topics to be explained, along with their visuals, are included. Among these modules, the ‘Pink Module’ is the most suitable for family mentorship. The Pink Module is for people who have just started marriage, have minor problems, are preparing for marriage, or have not experienced major problems in marriage. In the US, they have ‘Family Refreshment’ programs similar to ours. In Turkish, this could be called a ‘Family Refreshment Program’. Prospective families, along with their children and adults, go to a hotel or center like a camp on Saturday and Sunday. Ten to fifteen families participate and spend the whole day with experts. Topics are covered with questions and answers. A total of 12 hours of training is provided, 6+6. These are things that have been done and are applicable, there's no need to reinvent the wheel. We are also trying to do this in a way that suits our own culture. Because their family structure and family culture are very different. There are open marriages, two-sided relationships; families are in a rather desperate situation compared to ours. We are in a better situation right now, but if we don't take precautions, we could be in the same situation 20 years from now.”
“We recommend family meetings”
Emphasizing that mentorship is a goal-oriented process, Prof. Dr. Tarhan said; “In mentorship, collaboration is established for a defined purpose, and a roadmap is created. Indeed, our culture's view of marriage is also suitable for this. In our culture, the term ‘couple’ for husband and wife is not widely used; this expression entered from the West. We say ‘refik-refika’. Refik is the male travel companion, and Refika is the female travel companion. That is, husband and wife are travel companions. In family mentorship, concepts related to family are discussed through various modules. One family can be a target friend to another family, acting as a mentor. Or a guidance counselor can be a mentor to a family. In some cases, we recommend family meetings. If a guidance counselor or mentor is to do this, families mentoring other families is also a model. Another model is for a trained person, someone with a psychological counseling background, to lead this process after receiving mentorship training. In this case, we recommend a weekly session within the family. If there are problems in the family, everyone writes down the problems, they don't just talk. Once a week, they gather, the mentor becomes the moderator, and problems are discussed. There are such applications. There are some basic concepts within the family, such as using 'I language' instead of 'you language'. If there are a hundred problems in a family, 80% of them actually consist of repetitions of 20%. This is called Pareto's Law. That is, when you solve 20%, 80% of the problem is solved, and a large part of the family's problems disappear.”
“Power struggle is presented as a relationship model aimed at dominating each other”
Tarhan stated that a complementary, not competitive, relationship model should be adopted in the family; “The areas where money is spent the most are topics like children's education. How can solutions be produced in these areas? That is, it's necessary to be solution-oriented, not problem-oriented, and to prioritize positive communication. Related to this, these topics are covered in the modules. So, the first step is awareness. The negative global changes related to the concept of family are discussed. For example, globally, Western culture and modernism currently teach the family like this: an environment where husband and wife compete with each other. It sees it as a competitive relationship. If he yells at you, you yell back; if he throws something at you, you throw something back. Why? Power struggle is presented as a relationship model aimed at dominating each other. Today, this has also begun to be debated in the modern West. The family should have a complementary relationship, not a competitive one.”
“The mentorship process starts with learning these three styles”
Underlining that mentorship is a continuous process, Tarhan said; “In mentorship, it is important to develop problem-solving methods, communication styles, and what they call stress coping styles, meaning developing a stress management style. What to do when there is stress? There are three basic styles here. The first is coping style, which is stress management style. The second is communication style. The third is problem-solving style. The mentorship process starts with learning these three styles. First, everyone needs to recognize these styles. Then comes the process of developing problem-solving skills. At this stage, the person mentoring families will choose a family, like a target friendship, and work one-on-one with them. A model where families, with their children, and even if possible, families mentor each other can also be applied. They can meet on a certain day of the week, and mentorship activities can be carried out in this way. One of the most effective methods in this context is reading books that contain cases and discussing them together. Case analyses are very useful here. Family-related case analyses are performed, and families evaluate these cases together. If a one or two-hour mentorship program can be done weekly with families accompanied by experts, then at other times, families carry the experiences they gained here into their lives, accumulate them throughout the week, and discuss them at the next meeting. This creates a 365-day mentorship.”
“Every event has an opportunity dimension…”
Tarhan emphasized that traumatic events should be approached with their threat and opportunity dimensions; “Whether in natural disasters or other traumas, there are two approaches to this. The first is the threat dimension, and the second is the opportunity dimension. If we focus on the threat dimension, continuous stress, even chronic stress, arises. As a result, many diseases emerge, group stress forms at home, domestic arguments increase, and conflicts among children multiply. That is, this situation turns into group stress, and the rate of contracting diseases increases. The same applies to workplaces; if there is group stress in the workplace, diseases increase. In contrast, every event also has an opportunity dimension. We call this ‘Post-Traumatic Growth’. There are also scales related to this. Some people recover from trauma more quickly, while for others, this process can take longer. There are things a person can change and things they cannot change, things within their power and things not, things they can control and things they cannot. In such situations, one needs to focus on the areas they can control.”
“Unseen opportunities arise for people who do not fall into despair”
Drawing attention to the concept of explorative despair, Tarhan concluded his words by saying; “Some people can always be pessimistic and hopeless. When one falls into such despair, we call it explorative despair. In therapies, we give this example: Imagine a large milk vat. Two frogs fall into the milk vat. One frog says, ‘I cannot escape from this huge vat,’ and gives up. The other struggles, struggles, and does not give up. It says, ‘One should not lose hope in God,’ and struggles. Then, unknowingly, a layer of fat forms there. Something it could not foresee or think of. It climbs onto that fat layer and escapes. There is a similar situation in life; we call this the ‘Law of Hidden Psychology’. Unseen options emerge, opportunities arise, and doors open for people who do not fall into despair. Therefore, the most important thing to do here is to maintain hope in people. That is, to be able to say, ‘Yes, we are currently experiencing a difficulty, and you are right, but in the medium and long term, this will have positive outcomes.’ Moving with the approach of ‘How do we turn this into an opportunity, not a threat?’ with positive psychotherapy methods, is the most effective trauma treatment for today.