Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, attended the 1st Positive Psychology Symposium organized by the Institute of Positive Psychology. In the program, which featured important figures in the field of Positive Psychology as speakers, Tarhan made evaluations regarding the topic of 'Building Positive Relationships'. Emphasizing that empathy deficiency opens the door to all evils in the world, Tarhan noted that empathy deficiency is the most important evil virus of this century.
“A person with an underdeveloped sense of morality cannot be just”
In the symposium moderated by Psychological Counselor Büşra Polat, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan highlighted the importance of the concept of justice for individuals and society; “Justice starts with the family. If parents cannot establish justice, there will be no peace in that family. There will be no peace in a company without justice, nor in a society without justice. Without global justice, there will be no global peace. If we want global peace, no one should marginalize each other or act unjustly. We must accept justice as a fundamental value. One of the fundamental values that make a family a family is equitable relationships. I am not saying 'equality', but 'justice'. They are different. Not every child is treated equally. In equality, one acts differently according to height, weight, and everything else. But it is not so in justice. Justice means being able to give everything its due. It adjusts the dose, neither too little nor too much. If you give one child one bread and another two, you need to explain your reasons. Justice is the most important value in family peace, close relationships, and experiences. Where there is justice, trust is formed. Laws determine justice in a society. Social justice determines social relations in society. In the business world, the sense of morality determines it. For example, a person with an underdeveloped sense of morality cannot be just. Because for them, individual conscience, like public conscience, is very important in the sharing of morality and interest. This should be worked on. If worked on, a positive path can be found within the family.” he said.
“Relieving loneliness makes women happiest”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan offered suggestions for establishing positive relationships in male-female interactions; “Instead of saying 'Why did you turn on the TV when you came home? Why are you doing this?', even if you don't like it, you should enter their areas of interest, build a relationship on that, and discuss what's wrong and right there. For example, this is a very important opportunity for people who avoid closeness. Relieving loneliness makes women happiest. For men, the most important thing is to feel valued. If this happens, men will connect more easily with their spouses. If a woman criticizes her spouse in front of others, she pushes the man away. If she focuses on her spouse's good qualities in front of others, this increases the man's sense of belonging to the family. Similarly, when a man shows his spouse's good qualities in front of others, for example, saying 'my wife cooks very well', they increase their feelings of attachment to each other. In this way, both sides begin to use the positive reinforcement method.” he stated.
“The 5S rule ensures attachment in close relationships and experiences”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan explained the necessary steps for the foundation of a strong relationship through the 5S Rule; “It is very important to build a good, transparent, honest relationship. If there is an open, transparent, honest relationship, a trust crisis does not arise on the other side. When it cannot be built this way, conflict arises in the relationship. At wedding ceremonies, they ask me, 'What are your recommendations for these young people?' I have the 5S rule. It is the 5S rule that ensures attachment in close relationships and experiences. If you apply the 5S rule to build a healthy relationship in marriage, you will prevent many crises from occurring. The first S of the 5S rule is the foundation of love. That is, you will never forget to express your love. Love is a feeling that should fundamentally exist. The second S is respect. Love alone is not enough. If love is like water, respect is like a bowl. It defines the boundaries of love. It does not interfere with the other person's privacy but also does not leave them uncontrolled. The third S of the 5S rule is patience. We are all human; we can make mistakes from time to time. When we make mistakes, we need time for them to be corrected. Some things need time to mature. One of the biggest enemies of experiences in close relationships is haste, impatience. When you look at relationships, everyone's temperament and problem-solving style are not the same. Therefore, one of the reasons for conflicts is often haste and impatience. Being tolerant and patient, resilience training, we call this psychological robustness. The fourth S is loyalty. Loyalty has two meanings. One is attachment, and the other comes from the Arabic root 'sıdk'. Sıdk means truthfulness. For a secure and loyal relationship to exist, there must first be truthfulness. You will not lie. Then you will achieve secure attachment. Secure attachment and truthfulness are together. But secure attachment is not possible where there is lying. The fifth S is sincerity. Open, transparent relationship and heartfeltness.” he stated.
“Empathy deficiency is the most important evil virus of this century”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that an individual can be a leader in many areas if they manage their individual self; “In positive psychotherapies and positive psychology, the most important thing is pre-consciousness. The second is self-management. A person who cannot be their own leader cannot be the leader of a family, a class, or a company. For these, a person must first be their own leader. They must be impartial in their desires and impulses. Being impartial is very important for this. Then they will manage themselves. The third most important thing in positive psychotherapies and positive psychology is to be able to empathize. If you were to gather all the evils in the world here now, rest assured that empathy deficiency opens their door. Even behind this Ukraine conflict, there is a lack of empathy. Rest assured that empathy deficiency is the most important evil virus of this century. The best work to correct empathy is cooperation-building efforts.” he said.
“The method of building relationships with stubborn people is to use 'I-language' instead of 'you-language'”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan drew attention to the underlying reasons for stubbornness; “A stubborn personality is the worst enemy of cooperation. Behind stubbornness lies ego inflation, narcissism. From behind, it says, 'I know everything, I won't change, let them change.' Narcissistic individuals have high egos. Because the ego is high, they see themselves as superior. Their sense of right and interest is self-oriented. They think, 'Everyone should comply with me.' They cannot empathize. If we build a relationship on negativity, we push their ego into defense. The method of building relationships with stubborn people is to use 'I-language' instead of 'you-language'. We are in an era where egoism is glorified. Because egocentrism is so glorified, the most important thing in this era is how we can build a relationship with a person who is egocentric. If you try to correct that person, both sides will wear out. Therefore, a win-win relationship should be established with these people. We call this the 'golden mean rule in relationships'. One person will take a step, another person will take a step, and they will meet in the middle. When they meet at that point, people gain cooperation skills.” he stated.