Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, was the guest of the Thought Academy organized by Başakşehir Municipality. In the program, which attracted great interest, Tarhan, who spoke under the title “Why is the Family the Last Refuge?”, defined the family as an inner fortress protecting society and drew attention to the importance of children growing up in a safe environment. Emphasizing the increasing importance of family in the digital world, Tarhan underlined the digital gambling addiction that is spreading day by day. Tarhan stated, “We are currently hospitalizing patients due to digital gambling. Families are ruined, businessmen, companies are going bankrupt. There is a very serious silent epidemic right now. This is spreading like a cancer virus.”
Onur Kesepara moderated the interview held at Başakşehir Municipality City Art Conference Hall.
“A very unsafe opening is being created within the safe environment of the home”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating that the family is the inner fortress protecting society, said; “There are mandatory legal norms that protect society, individuals, children, and people. Legal norms should protect the family with legal rules; people need to be protected. It is essential to have legal norms against negative external influences and cultural shifts, but our norms are weak. They have also weakened globally. Secondly, there are social norms, such as customs and traditions... These were somewhat devalued by being called 'neighborhood pressure,' and social norms also weakened. Anti-tradition movements emerged. Thirdly, the institution that protects people is the family. The family is like an inner fortress. When outer fortresses fall, people take refuge in the inner fortress. We called the outer fortresses legal norms and social norms. The inner fortress is the home. However, currently, in this inner fortress, within the safe area of the home, there is an open door. These are tablets and digital platforms. A very unsafe opening is being created within the safe environment of the home. We think our children are right in front of us, but in reality, they are not,” he began his words.
The family will protect against voluntary imperialism!
Tarhan, speaking about the spread of voluntary imperialism, said; “Cultural transmission used to be done by the family. Mother, father, maternal grandmother, paternal grandmother... Cultural transmission would happen through them. 'Son, behave like this, daughter, behave like that. Pay attention to this, dress like that. Don't lie, be compassionate, be conscientious. Respect the rights of others...' All these are learned at a young age because they are learned through stories, by accumulating memories, by living. They are not learned from books. A child experiences something within the family, an event happens, observes a behavior, and that becomes a memory in the brain. It is written as a life script. Those written life scripts remain like a core in later ages, and they develop as the person grows. Actors change, but the basic scripts remain the same. These are acquired at a young age. When a child goes online, they remain within popular culture and Hollywood culture. And now there is voluntary imperialism. In the past, they exploited Africa and other places through forced imperialism. Now, it's voluntary imperialism... They create a game, an entertainment industry. Within that industry, a piece of clothing emerges, and everyone wears it within a few months, even though they already have many clothes. There is an application that functions in this voluntary imperialism style. The institution that will protect against this is the family,” he stated.
“Humility opens the door to all good deeds”
Tarhan, stating that the opposite of the feeling of arrogance is humility, said; “Imam Ghazali has a very beautiful observation in Kimya-yi Saadet. He says, 'If you fill a room with all evils, arrogance opens its door.' Arrogance is the feeling of superiority. Indeed, arrogance opens the door to all evils. Its opposite is humility. Humility also opens the door to all good deeds. This does not mean constantly seeing yourself as inferior to the other party, or always being a giver. You will neither crush nor be crushed. In relationships, you will not belittle anyone. You will not even despise a person with an IQ of 50–60. Because every human being is original, unique. You might find a superior quality in someone you least expect. Also, people currently have a success-oriented life philosophy. However, success is total success; it becomes clear at the end of life. You cannot say 'I am a successful person' right now. Because it's not clear what will happen in five years…” he stated.
“California syndrome has now become a global civilization syndrome”
Tarhan, stating that happiness has decreased despite the increase in gross national product, said; “California syndrome has now become a global civilization syndrome. It has some symptoms. One of these is a pleasure-oriented life. An understanding that glorifies the pursuit of pleasure as the purpose of life. Eating, drinking, having fun... He works five days a week, will have fun for two days. An average American gets depressed when they don't have fun. Ten people compete, seven lose, three win. Those seven people become unhappy. A system that makes 70-80 percent unhappy is not a correct system. Currently, in the 1950s in America, per capita gross national product was 20 thousand dollars. Now it is around 70 thousand dollars per capita. Despite everything, happiness is declining,” he said.
“Humans have more than one role”
Tarhan, emphasizing roles in the family, said; “In our culture, patriarchal culture prevails. It is said that 'the female bird builds the nest.' However, humans have more than one role. If a woman works, she is also a business person, and a man can also be a business person. At the same time, there is the role of father, the role of spouse. And there is the role of businessman, business person. Now, once he has fulfilled the role of a business person, it's as if the role of father is not important, the role of spouse is not important... He disregards these roles. He only adopts the role of a business person. He says, 'I bring bread to the house, what more do you want?' Whereas, what a woman actually wants is a loving glance, a smile, a few kind words, a warm touch... These are not very difficult or very expensive things,” he stated.
“In our culture, the dose of criticism goes astray”
Tarhan, stating that efforts should be made to make the home a safe space, said; “How do we make the home a safe space in the family? We need to focus on this. If a child comes home running, lovingly, and loves the home, then there is a good atmosphere, a good climate in that home. There may be problems, but every problem experienced is a learning opportunity, an opportunity for education. A crisis occurs, there's a fight, an argument, and then things are learned. Everyone learns from it. In such a situation, one can say to the child, 'Look, what did this teach us, my child?' For example, in our culture, the dose of criticism goes astray. Parents sometimes act not like parents, but like someone giving a sermon or a lecture. You look at a morning breakfast, and suddenly it turns into a sermon. The child says, 'Mom, are you going to teach another lesson again, or ask questions again?'” he said.
“The most beautiful gift is the time dedicated to them”
Tarhan, stating that a horizontal relationship should be established with the child, said; “Some children defy their mothers, and some become introverted. These are very common situations we encounter. The greatest gift a parent can give a child is the quality companionship, the quality time dedicated to them. This is the greatest gift. Giving a gift is not buying a smartphone. The most beautiful gift is the time dedicated to them. This time spent together should be quality time, but in the form of a dialogue, not a monologue. That is, the mother sits and talks, and the child just listens, that's not it. There should be mutual, empathetic listening. The mother will listen to her child, show that she is listening, and take notes if necessary. She will ask, 'How will we solve this problem?' She will dedicate time to the child and establish a horizontal relationship together. Not a vertical relationship. As a family, we establish a vertical relationship with our child. An authoritative, dominating relationship... Establishing a horizontal relationship with a child does not mean spoiling them. Some overprotective mothers act in place of the child. However, there are two types of captaincy. One is helmsman captaincy, and the other is pilot captaincy. Motherhood is not taking the child's place and doing what they should do. The mother should be a pilot captain,” he said.
If you enter the institution of marriage, you will not consider divorce as an option!
Tarhan, stating that children pay the price of divorce, said; “Currently, one of the things we struggle with the most is broken families. The issue of child-rearing is important here. That is, there is divorce from being husband and wife, but there is no divorce from motherhood and fatherhood. Therefore, when parents divorce for the sake of the child's well-being, it is a different matter. In marriage, divorce is not an option, but a consequence. If you say, 'If it doesn't work out, we'll get a divorce,' there is no maturity in that marriage. Can a surgeon, in the middle of an operation, say, 'Ugh, I'm bored, I'm quitting'? No, he cannot. Can an airplane pilot, while flying the plane, say, 'I'm bored, I'm quitting'? No, he cannot. Marriage is such an institution. If you enter the institution of marriage, you will not consider divorce as an option. Consequently, if you have done everything in your power for the continuation of the marriage despite everything, and there is no other remedy left, then separation is a consequence. In this situation, parents should be able to talk for the well-being of the children. Those who separate maturely, shaking hands, can do this. Otherwise, the child goes to the mother, and the mother badmouths the father. The child goes to the father, and the father badmouths the mother. In such situations, children pay the highest price,” he stated.
“The closer the gap between self-perception and self-level, the more maturity there is”
Tarhan, drawing attention to the concepts of self-level and self-perception, said; “Anxious children usually have a high sense of responsibility. Perfectionist, high sense of responsibility... They strive 'not to make mistakes.' We see such children in exams too. This is actually a good thing. The child has a high sense of responsibility and doesn't want to make mistakes. Most of the time, it's a child raised with plenty of love from parents. They put excessive pressure on themselves so as not to disappoint them. A person has a self-level and also a self-perception. In these children, self-perception is lower. They see themselves as lower than they are; they worry, 'I'm going to make a mistake, something will happen.' In some children, on the contrary, those who defy their parents have a higher self-perception. They object to and defy their parents. The closer the gap between self-perception and self-level, the more maturity there is. People normally reach this maturity around 21–22 years old. Adolescents learn this by living and making mistakes,” he said.
“There is a serious silent epidemic”
Tarhan, stating that addiction is a serious brain disease, said; “Gambling addiction is also included in this. Especially now, something very wrong has been done. Gambling and betting have been legalized. From mobile phones… We are currently hospitalizing patients due to digital gambling. Families are ruined, businessmen, companies are going bankrupt. There is a very serious silent epidemic right now. It is ruining the economy, ruining families. This is spreading like a cancer virus. It is spreading. Such cases are coming in. In brain imaging performed on addicts, there is a condition called behavioral addiction. Such as gambling, digital addiction. Normally, the reward pathways in the human brain are like reward paths. In addicts, however, these reward pathways become like a highway. They are not satisfied, they are not satisfied with the reward. They play, they are not satisfied. Most start by saying, 'I will win more.' They get into a lot of debt, and play, saying, 'I will save my debt.' They play frantically, saying, 'Let me try one more time.' They lose everything they won. In gambling, the house always wins. The individual does not win. This needs to be known. In gambling, the winner is always the house. Two people play, one thinks they won, but ultimately, no one wins,” he concluded his words.
At the end of the interview, a certificate was presented to Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan.
The program ended with a group photo session.