Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, participated in a talk titled “Positive Discipline in the Family,” organized in collaboration with Yüksel İlhan Alanyalı Science High School and Üsküdar University. In the online talk, Tarhan emphasized that methods of pressure, intimidation, and suppression are not valid in this era, stating that persuasion and conviction methods should be used. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan expressed that discipline with love within is positive discipline, and highlighted the great importance of balancing love and discipline. Tarhan also underscored that the critical concept in positive leadership is for parents to be fair, and mentioned that children should be shown digital tools as a means, not an end.
The online talk was moderated by Üsküdar University Education Institutions and Guidance Services Assistant, Psychologist Hatice Ada.
Regardless of which of these, problems related to discipline arise…
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that humans are born neurologically premature; “First, we need to know what we understand by discipline. Rules can be very strict, very lax, or very inconsistent. Regardless of which of these, problems related to discipline arise. Humans are born neurologically early. That is, when a human baby is born, it can stand up at one year old and distinguish good from bad at 15. A duck can swim immediately after hatching. An animal gets up as soon as it's born, wobbles a bit, but can walk. Humans are not like that. Humans are born mentally early. They learn this later. A guide, a mentor is needed later. That’s why the child's first teacher is their mother. The 0-3 age period is very important. The child makes their first learnings in life during this period.” he began his words.
“We need to teach the values we taught 100 years ago, even now”
Tarhan explained the difference between genetics and epigenetics; “Genetics are transmitted through our genes. Gender, eyebrow, eye color are genetic. Epigenetics, on the other hand, is our character, personality, and morality. These are learned; genetic polymorphisms occur in our genes. If they continue to be taught, we maintain them in our lives, doing them automatically. If we pass them on to our children, they also learn easily. If not continued, they disappear after one or two generations. This means that the morality, discipline, and values we taught 100 years ago need to be taught even now. Morality is not genetic; it can be taught and needs to be taught. Discipline is the same. Discipline is about knowing the boundaries of our behavior, where to stop, and how to act in different situations.” he stated.
The world has become like an electronic village…
Tarhan expressed that methods of pressure, intimidation, and suppression are not valid in this era; “Children are very intertwined with social media. Because they cannot learn social, moral, and disciplinary norms, they act as they please, leading to inconsistent discipline and inappropriate behaviors. When we say discipline, military discipline is often understood. Discipline based on pressure, threat, fear, and intimidation. But can discipline be achieved through positive means? Very easily. There are three types of norms: moral, social, and legal norms. We learn these three norms later. Positive discipline is approaching with methods of persuasion, conviction, and making it enjoyable. Negative discipline is approaching with fear. There are two types of management. The first is fear-based management. This is power-focused management. It worked in ancient times. Undeveloped people used this method. Humanity entered the age of communication in the 21st century. The world has become like an electronic village. In such a world, classical methods of frightening, intimidating, and disgusting do not work. When this happens, children take on reverse roles, developing reverse identities. If the mother says A, the child becomes B. This time there is both anger and hatred towards the parents. Therefore, it is important to establish a good balance between love and discipline here. That is, when we speak of discipline, a set of rules emerges. Rules have standards. It is not enough for these rules to have standards. They must be firm, consistent, and continuous. We can even liken positive discipline to snowfall. If snowfall is slow and continuous, it will accumulate. Discipline is like snowfall; if it falls slowly, continuously, and consistently, it will stick.” he said.
“Discipline with love within is positive discipline”
Tarhan spoke of two types of discipline; “School exams are a child's first test in life. This relates to a person's sense of accountability. They will be accountable for their work. Nobody likes exams. Because the psychological nature of humans does not like accountability. The egoistic emotions we speak of in humans feel restricted when it comes to accountability. They are uncomfortable with this, but this discomfort is actually a beneficial situation. If they manage this discomfort well, they will have managed exam stress. In other words, an exam is a stressor. We try to instill the ability to remain calm under stress during an exam. Discipline is of two types. One is internal discipline, the other is external discipline. Internal discipline is related to internal motivation. Internal motivation is like a steamship. It doesn't need external support, but external discipline is like a sailboat. It always needs wind. It creates a person who cannot manage themselves. That's why internal discipline is essential. One who cannot manage themselves cannot manage others. Emotional leadership in the classroom should be with the teacher. Leadership cannot be achieved through fear or threats. In emotional leadership, children love their mother, teacher, and father so much that they adhere to their discipline so as not to hurt them. If you have done this, it means you have applied positive discipline. In other words, we achieve a balance of love and discipline. Discipline with love within is positive discipline. Discipline with fear within is negative discipline.” he said.
“In exam stress, one should think process-oriented, not result-oriented”
Tarhan pointed out that one should think process-oriented, not result-oriented; “The meaning attributed to an exam increases exam stress. If an exam is seen as a matter of life and death, worries and stress increase. An exam is one of the steps in life. People who think result-oriented experience increased exam anxiety. People who think process-oriented improve their anxiety. The outcome is something a person cannot control. You may take an exam but not get into the place you want. Because the outcome cannot be controlled, but there are things that can be controlled. Like studying and solving tests. If you don't focus on things you can't control, there is no anxiety. In exam stress, one should think process-oriented, not result-oriented. Let's not see exams as threats. Let's see them as a step to develop ourselves. That is, let's consider the opportunity dimension, not the threat dimension. When a person thinks this way, they do not lose the feeling of hope. People who think goal-oriented can achieve this.” he stated.
“There is corruption in a society where lies prevail”
Tarhan emphasized the importance of the balance between love and discipline; “We need to teach our children the balance of love and discipline. First, we will be generous with love. Children discipline themselves for fear of losing their mother's, father's, or teacher's love. But if you follow a fear-based path, they will deceive you. The new generation is very smart. They will deceive their parents. If this happens, you teach the child to lie. Authoritarian disciplines produce defensive lies. They tell defensive lies and gain benefits. When they gain benefits, they accept it as normal. That's why cultures of pressure are cultures of fear. In cultures of pressure, lying is natural. Our ancestors became authoritarian to protect the system. As they became more authoritarian, it became a repressive, fear-based education style. Look at developed countries. In liberal countries, in high-trust societies, there is no need to lie. Honesty pays off. There is corruption in a society where lies prevail. If honesty pays off, that society is a developed society. This is the measure of development. Positive discipline provides this.” he continued.
They should see digital as a tool, not an end…
Addressing digitalization, Tarhan said; “Digitalization has increased globally. Generations born after 1990 are digital natives. That is, natives of the digital world. Those born before 1990 are immigrants to the digital world. In such a situation, since they are natives, they know everything better. Because they learned from a young age, they apply things quickly and easily. The first characteristic of the digital generation is that they can access information easily. On the other hand, they become egocentric and easygoing. Young people in this digital generation like convenience, they want things to happen immediately. They are incredibly intelligent, their digital intelligence is very high. I do not see the digital generation as a lost generation. They were born in this era. These are their truths. The important thing is for them to have a purpose that they will work hard for, get tired for, and endure hardship for. In other words, they should see digital as a tool, not an end. The digital world should not manage them; they should manage the digital world. We will see digitalization as a wild horse. If we direct this wild horse towards our goal, it will take us to our destination. Like nuclear energy. If we direct it to a good purpose, it illuminates our home, makes our work easier, but if we leave it to itself, we go wherever it takes us. We will be ruined in cliffs, forests, mountains. Therefore, we will see digitalization as a wild horse and tame it.” he stated.
“The most beautiful discipline is through actions”
Tarhan stated that parents should act as pilot guides for their children; “Children do not listen to their parents' words, they follow their footsteps. That is, they look at their parents' behaviors, not their words. The most beautiful discipline is through actions, through the language of behavior. Our ancestors called it education through the language of state (lisan-ı hâl). The child takes the mother, the father, and the relationship between the mother and father as examples. If the parents and their relationship are a good role model, the child is also affected. Adolescence is a stormy period. In fact, some schools of psychology call adolescence a normal schizophrenic period. That is, an adolescent acting unusually, like a schizophrenic, is actually a requirement of adolescence. During adolescence, identity confusion is experienced. The adolescent asks, ‘Who am I? Where should I turn?’ Personal identity, sexual identity, all are learned during adolescence. The foundations of adolescence are laid at a young age. If the parents and their relationship are healthy during the developmental stages, if the home is a safe area, the child goes through adolescence with fewer problems, but if the parents did not make the home a disciplined environment, if they did not teach the child the boundaries of life, they will experience problems. Parents should not be captains to their children, but pilot guides. The pilot guide will speak, but the responsibility rests with the ship's first captain. We will not take the steering wheel from the children's hands. Being a pilot guide means being a fellow traveler. Being a fellow traveler does not mean being overly familiar. It means teaching them the path of life.” he said.
“The greatest product of a home is its children”
Tarhan emphasized the importance of a warm and safe environment in the family; “If there is too much love and too little discipline, the child becomes spoiled. They do not learn the balance of freedom and responsibility. If there is too little love and too much discipline, the child becomes a psychopath. They become antisocial because, being loveless, they do everything out of fear. In inconsistent discipline, they don't know when to show love and when to discipline. There is lax discipline in one, strict in another, inconsistent in another. All three are harmful. Discipline must be consistent and continuous. Raising such a child is no less important than setting up a factory. The roles of motherhood and fatherhood are more important than the role of a business person. One should not say, ‘It's enough if I bring bread home.’ One should think, ‘How do I raise healthy children?’ The greatest product of a home is its children, the output is the child. As our family is, so is our product. If an adolescent's sense of belonging to the family is high, do not fear those adolescents. They may make mistakes, quarrel, but if the home is a safe area, they will return and find their way home. A warm and safe home environment is a critical concept here.” he said.
“The critical concept in positive leadership is the parents' ability to be fair”
Tarhan emphasized the importance of being fair in the distribution of rights, opportunities, and benefits; “Positive communication, positive parenting, and positive leadership are very important within the family. The critical concept in positive leadership is the parents' ability to be fair. To be fair among children. There should be plenty of love, but there must be fair discipline. One must be fair in the distribution of rights, opportunities, and benefits. Loving more is one thing, being equal in the distribution of rights, opportunities, and benefits is another. When you buy a gift for one child, you will buy one for the other too. You will not favor, you will not discriminate. Generation Z adolescents have a wonderful quality. They value innocence and justice greatly. If there are no lies in the family, if there are honest parents, if there is honest management at school, those children choose role models there. Parents become the child's hero. For the child to become a hero, the home must be safe. For the home to be safe, there must certainly be fair sharing at home. In business life, in management, in administration, there will be fair sharing in everything. Let's create a justice-oriented philosophy of life. Peace comes from there.” he concluded.