Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, received great interest in Ankara. Meeting first with educators and parents at Ankara Dost College, Tarhan made striking remarks in his talk titled “Child Education in the Digital World and Happiness in the Family”. Underlining that digitalization should be viewed as an opportunity, not a threat, Tarhan stated that children should be taught conscious digital media use. Tarhan’s second stop in Ankara was ABC Schools. Speaking under the title “Strong Family, Strong Society: The Role of Values”, Tarhan noted that being part of a meaning is humanity's greatest source of motivation. Tarhan also emphasized that individuals should have goals and meanings that transcend themselves.
Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan's first stop in Ankara was Dost College.
First we will learn, then we will teach our children!
In the talk titled “Child Education in the Digital World and Happiness in the Family”, moderated by Muhammed Alpkent, Tarhan stated that digitalization should be viewed as an opportunity, not a threat. Tarhan said; “First we will learn, and then we will teach our children conscious digital media use.”
“If there is love and good intention, there are no unsolvable problems”
In the highly attended program, Tarhan touched upon problems caused by communication deficiency in marriage. Tarhan said; “One of the most common problems in marriages is lack of communication. When spouses do not listen to each other, do not understand each other, or constantly criticize and blame each other, the bond between them weakens over time. This leads to divorces. If there is good intention and love in marriage, problems are solved more easily. The parties can approach each other with understanding and solve problems before they escalate. Talking about problems instead of ignoring them strengthens the marriage. Communication problems affect not only the couple but also the children at home. If there are constant arguments between the mother and father, the child does not feel safe at home. They come home scared and struggle to concentrate at school. Because children emulate not only their parents but also the relationship between them. Love and rules should be balanced at home. Both excessive pressure and excessive freedom are harmful to children. Children raised in a healthy environment feel safe and learn to take responsibility. In other words, communication is very important in marriage. If there is love and good intention, there are no unsolvable problems. If every problem is noticed and solved in time, the family becomes stronger.”
“If the intention is bad, the outcome is also bad”
Explaining the importance of right intention in the digital age, Tarhan said; “Today, we are right in the middle of the digital age. Every generation encountered technology with a different tool. Generation X grew up with radio, Generation Y with television, and Generation Z with the internet. New generations get to know, learn, and make sense of the world through the internet. Technology itself is neutral. It is shaped by how we use it. When used correctly, it provides benefits; when used incorrectly, it causes harm. Therefore, let's view digitalization as an opportunity, not a threat. Today, accessing information is very easy. With AI-powered tools, we can answer a question in seconds. When these systems are fed with accurate and quality information, they can offer useful content to people. Today, many people discover the truth by reading the Quran online. Because when approached with a sincere quest, the truth reveals itself. If the intention is bad, the outcome is also bad. In the digital age, if we act with the right intention and the right tools, we can make great contributions to both ourselves and humanity.”
“Every bullying incident is also an educational opportunity”
Answering questions from participants, Tarhan stated that peer bullying is also an educational opportunity. Tarhan said; “Peer bullying is a significant problem we frequently encounter today. At its root generally lie differences in communication and expression skills among children. Some children can express themselves easily, while others are more emotionally and socially withdrawn. These children may even experience social communication difficulties. For example, a child who is very intelligent in mathematics might not understand jokes in class, which can lead to their exclusion. This child, who doesn't laugh when they don't understand, eventually becomes the target of mockery from other children. This then turns into peer bullying. Children most subjected to peer bullying are often individuals who are different, exceptionally talented, or struggle to adapt to teamwork. There are even children who refuse to go to school because of this. When these cases are examined in detail, peer bullying is often found behind them. However, every bullying incident is also an educational opportunity. Because children are prepared for life not only with academic success but also with social skills. It is possible to encounter bullying in different forms in all areas of life. The important thing is to teach children how to cope with this situation, produce solutions, and protect themselves.”
Tarhan’s second stop in Ankara was ABC Schools. In the talk titled “Strong Family, Strong Society, The Role of Values”, Tarhan stated that being part of a meaning is humanity's greatest source of motivation.
“It is necessary not to be anachronistic in this era”
Emphasizing the importance of contemporary parenting practices, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said; “The truths of this era have changed. If we try to raise children and young people with the parenting understanding we learned from our mothers, fathers, or elders, or with old educational models, we will lose them. Therefore, it is necessary not to be anachronistic in this era. Anachronistic means trying to understand today with a thought and lifestyle belonging to a past era. We cannot act by ignoring the concept of time. This situation applies not only to social structures but also to human nature. Today, there are universal values. For example, in 1993, the Global Ethic Manifesto was announced in Chicago. When we look at the values there, we see universal principles that we can all accept. For instance, 'Do not do to others what you would not want done to yourself.' However, in this age, we have forgotten these values. We have forgotten them, and they are not in practice. Of course, there will be a price for this, but currently, the most important thing that sustains a person is being a part of a meaning.”
“Values are learned through value-based education”
Stating that it is important to pursue meaning instead of pleasure, Tarhan said; “Humans need to have goals that transcend themselves. When there are no such high value-based goals, the meaning of life is questioned. Currently, hedonism has begun to be idealized globally. There are two main hormones in the human brain related to happiness: dopamine and serotonin. Dopamine, for example, is released when you eat chocolate. However, the characteristic of dopamine is its short-term effect. It immediately desires the next dose, leading to addiction. Serotonin, on the other hand, is the brain's happiness chemical related to meaning. This is not actually new information. 2,500 years ago, Aristotle spoke of two types of happiness: one being hedonistic happiness and the other eudaimonic happiness. This is about how you want to be remembered at the end of your life. If a person learns to be happy through meaning and teaches their children to pursue meaning, that child will build a more solid life and will not easily go astray. Because they have a purpose and meaning. If a person has meaning and purpose in their life, values are like road signs in traffic for them. Our value judgments guide us. We should teach values especially in primary school. Values are not taught through conferences or sermons. Values are learned through value-based education.”
“We cannot expect a social transformation without a mental transformation”
Explaining how role sharing should be in the family, Tarhan said; “Just as there are boundaries, doors, and walls in a building, apartment, or neighborhood relationships, there are also social and emotional boundaries. However, these boundaries are not concrete; they are invisible, abstract, and mental. We cannot expect a social transformation without a mental transformation. To raise a good child in the family, we must first correct the models in our minds. The role of motherhood, fatherhood, spouse role in our minds... We must perform all this role sharing correctly. Because role sharing means defining boundaries. Just as job descriptions exist in a workplace and clarify boundaries, it is the same in a family. That's why, when we solve a problem, we start by putting the problem in writing. In Turkey, writing down a problem actually means solving fifty percent of it. If everyone proceeds by writing, boundaries also become clear. To learn about family boundaries, I recommend that families hold a family session once a week.”
“We find it harder to set boundaries in the world of technology”
Speaking about the difficulties of setting rules for digitalization, Tarhan said; “We find it harder to set boundaries in the world of technology. Because it is easier to break rules in this area. Between 0-6 years of age, if a mother says yes one day and no the next, or if the mother and father say different things, the child does not take rules seriously. They look for an open door to bend the rules. In this situation, the parents lose their leadership at home, the child becomes the leader of the house, and an undisciplined environment emerges. Digitalization seriously sabotages rule-setting. I even saw a baby who had just started walking make a screen-swiping motion with their finger in their sleep. So, still a baby, but a digital habit has already formed. Sometimes children come to psychiatry with speech delay. We see that they never put down their tablet at home or the television is constantly on. The mother gives the child a screen to deal with housework. Since the child's brain area for word production is not working, the child listens, understands, but cannot speak. We immediately turn off the screen and start speech therapy. They usually learn quickly, but if they pass the age of 4, this process becomes very difficult. Because the brain's areas for word production and understanding gradually close after the age of 4. Sometimes we mistake a child's actions for mischief. However, the child is developing their muscles against gravity. This is the natural behavior for that age. Especially between 0-6 years of age, children learn everything from their mother and father. Here they learn not through words, but through behaviors and attitudes. Because a child follows the footsteps, not the words, of their parents.”
“Those who make the same mistake repeatedly can never learn a lesson”
Answering questions from participants, Tarhan stated that when mental flexibility is acquired, social and emotional flexibility will develop. Tarhan said; “The events, behavioral patterns, thought structures, and social learnings that children acquire are all life scenarios. This scenario continues to develop throughout a person's life. When a child starts school, new actors enter their life; when they start work, other actors; and when they marry, entirely different roles come into play. In other words, a person must learn to update their scenario according to the changing actors on the stage of life. However, some people never change their life scenario. These are individuals who struggle to learn and cannot show flexibility. There are three basic forms of learning. First is learning by trial and error. Trying to learn everything through experience, but this is a slow and arduous process. Second is smart learning. Learning by benefiting from the experiences of others is the most effective method. Those who make the same mistake repeatedly can never learn a lesson. This causes major problems in social relationships. People who cannot maintain deep relationships like marriage are generally in this group. Such people are mostly stubborn and selfish. When they gain mental flexibility, social and emotional flexibility also begins to develop.”
“Teaching social-emotional skills in the 4-6 age range is of great importance”
Stating that the 4-6 age range is a critical period for learning values, Tarhan said; “At these ages, the child has not yet started school and tries to make sense of the world by observing their surroundings. In this period, which is also important for brain development, the child cannot distinguish between abstract and concrete concepts. Generally, children begin to learn this difference between 6-7 years of age. For example, if a video is shown to a child younger than 4, they might think the monsters there are real. This is because the distinction between abstract and concrete has not yet developed in their brain. This situation is related to the child's developing cognitive structure. Mirror neurons also play an important role in this process. Mirror neurons are cells in our brain that can reflect another person's movement or emotion like a mirror. When someone raises their hand, we unconsciously visualize that movement in our minds. Similarly, if the person opposite us feels a strong emotion, we also feel it. This provides a radio-like communication between brains. However, in autistic individuals, these mirror neurons do not function properly. Therefore, they may have difficulty empathizing. Animals also do not have these neurons; only humans do. Empathy is a skill learned over time. Over time, the child learns to notice another's pain and help them. This is only possible through experience transfer, that is, through lived experience. Therefore, teaching values and social-emotional skills in the 4-6 age range is of great importance. Because the child has a concrete thought system during this period, and everything they learn at this age becomes very valuable tools they will use throughout their lives.”
“Empathy is one of the first values a person should learn”
Drawing attention to the importance of empathy, Tarhan said; “When we look at the literature on evil, we most often encounter a lack of empathy. If you gathered all evils into one room, a lack of empathy would open its door. Empathy is such a decisive issue. Empathy is one of the first values a person should learn. Because humans are social beings, and these social skills are closely related to brain development. The areas in our brain related to empathy have innate tendencies, but we need to learn how to use these tendencies. A confusion here also arises in the difference between empathy and sympathy. For example, if someone is crying and you sit and cry with them, this is not empathy, but sympathy. Empathy is understanding the emotion of the other person and being able to react appropriately; it is not experiencing the emotion exactly. Only 20% of communication is verbal, that is, transfer made with words; while 80% is non-verbal, consisting of elements such as tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures, and subliminal emotions. All these elements are also parts of empathy. True empathy requires noticing and processing all these elements correctly.”
“It is necessary to keep both the feeling of freedom and responsibility in balance”
Emphasizing the importance of the balance between love and discipline, Tarhan said; “Currently, family structures have transformed into child-centric family structures. In other words, the child has become the little boss of the house. Parents have given up authority, and rules are determined in a child-centered manner. While this situation may seem charming when the child is young, things change when they enter adolescence. The child wants to continue their old reign at home. When boundaries are set, conflicts begin. In families that cannot control this situation, cases amounting to physical violence can occur. However, the problem stems not from lack of love but from lack of rules and discipline. No matter how much love is given to a child, if there are no boundaries and parents do not act consistently, healthy development will not occur. Especially if the mother says one thing and the father says another, the child takes advantage of this contradiction and does not take the rules seriously. In families where discipline is lacking alongside love, irresponsible and unrestrained children grow up. In families where there is discipline but a lack of love, the child grows up under pressure. This leads to the emergence of antisocial or crime-prone personalities. If there is neither love nor discipline, the child grows up on the streets and feels a lack of belonging. At this point, the balance of love and discipline is the most important education a family can give a child. The balance of mercy and justice in the universe corresponds to love and discipline in the family structure. If mercy is not in moderation, justice suffers. Excessive justice, on the other hand, destroys freedom. Just like this, it is necessary to keep both the feeling of freedom and responsibility in balance for children.”
“Cybernetics is a science related to order, balance, and management”
Answering a question about cybernetics, Tarhan said that the universe has a perfect order. Tarhan said; “Although cybernetics was defined in the 1970s, its true meaning is only now beginning to be understood. In essence, cybernetics is a science related to order, balance, and management. Just like a captain who changes a ship's course with a small rudder movement, small realizations in life can cause major changes in direction. This shows us how important it is to understand the functioning of systems. The universe has a perfect order. Even things that seem like chaos are actually meaningful within a larger system. The first law of the universe begins with information. In addition to the gas, liquid, and solid states of matter, there is another state: the state of information. First, information forms, then mathematics comes into play, then design takes shape with geometry. Energy, chemistry, and matter form in sequence. Finally, the biological structure emerges. In this sense, the universe is built upon a six-step system. These stages could even be an interpretation of the expression 'creation in six days' in the Quran. These system theories tell us this: The universe is an order, but this order is not self-sustaining. Just as weeds cover an uncultivated garden, the universe also needs constant attention. Today, it is predicted that the universe is gradually cooling, and it may reach an end called 'heat death' in the future. All these physical realities also apply to human behavior. Just as darkness is the absence of light, cold is the absence of heat, evil is the absence of goodness. If we want to prevent evil from taking root in a child's inner world, it is not enough to just tell them 'Evil is bad.' Goodness and beauty must be multiplied in their world. Because as good increases, evil naturally diminishes.”
