Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar University, participated in the “International Family Symposium” organized by the Istanbul Family Foundation. Tarhan, who made evaluations on “Family in the Digital Age”, pointed out that the open door of the family is digital media, smartphones, and social media. Stating ‘We are in an unsafe environment within the safe space of the home’, Tarhan expressed that the model of motherhood and fatherhood needs to change. Noting that they have seen the negative consequences of global morality reflecting on the family, Tarhan added that cultural transmission is currently done by social media, not the family.
Numan Kurtulmuş, Deputy Chairman of AK Party, Prof. Dr. Ergün Yıldırım, Chairman of the Organizing Committee, and Sami Yılmaz, Chairman of the Board of Directors of Istanbul Family Foundation, attended the symposium held at the Haliç Congress Center.
“True captaincy is being able to avoid getting caught in the storm”
Speaking at the opening session of the symposium moderated by Prof. Dr. Ergün Yıldırım, Chairman of the Organizing Committee, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar University, said; “In previous programs, very beautiful expressions were used, but the truths were not told. Self-criticism was not made. Since this is a scientific meeting, what is there in scientific meetings? The positive and negative aspects of the event are discussed. Then the truth is revealed. If we do not have an effort to seek the truth, and if it's just you and I talking, this meeting has no meaning. That's why I want to put the needle in ourselves a bit. Once, when the Ministry of Family and Social Policies was established, I was very happy and excited. It was 2010-2011, I guess, but right now I look at its operation, I don't know if anyone from the ministry is here, but it only functions as a social aid ministry. Family and social policies are very limited. They carry out all their staff through social aid. We cannot implement family policies in this way. We also see the negative consequences of global morality reflecting on the family. With these results, it is not possible for us to determine family policy and find solutions to future dangers related to the family. In scientific methodology, there is predictability. There is foresight. You can predict based on precursors and conduct a risk analysis against it; according to the risk analysis, a risk map is drawn. You manage the crisis very well before it comes. In our culture, we are focused on crisis management. However, true captaincy is not the ability to get out of the storm, but to succeed in not getting caught in the storm. When a crisis arises in the family, solving it is the most expensive and most difficult method. It is important to prevent crises from occurring.” he said.
“There is no more effective weapon than powerful ideas”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the family carries out cultural transmission from generation to generation, and mentioned that this is why we have been able to withstand cultural crises. Tarhan said; “We routinely conduct a survey at our university. We survey which values, such as faith and family values, are important. According to our findings among students, family values are in first place, and faith values are in second place. Despite everything, we know that family values are preserved, but what is the reason? The family used to carry out cultural transmission from generation to generation. That is why we endured cultural crises. But now, it's not the family, it's social media. In this symposium, ‘Family in the Digital Age’ is a very striking keyword. Social media or digital platforms are performing cultural transmission. While protecting the family, let's also use the truths of the digital age. I have always said this for years; ‘It is humanity's greatest discovery.’ When it was said that all roads lead to Rome in the late Roman period, Rome had stone roads for economic, monetary, and social mobility, for everything. The trick was to govern with oppression by building stone roads. And Jesus, who emerged in Palestine, became the religion of the entire empire 200-300 years later. How did he do it? He did it with ten apostles. He did it because he used those roads, because there is no more effective weapon than powerful ideas. Of those whose time has come. Today, the roads are the internet, a powerful opportunity exists.”
“The biggest danger awaiting the family right now is capitalist morality”
Tarhan, evaluating feminism as a very beneficial movement for the liberation of women and in the context of strengthening women's role in the family and society, stated; “The biggest danger awaiting the family right now is capitalist morality. It has two main characteristics. The first is worldliness. Living as if there is no death or afterlife, sacralizing the world, this is secularism. When I said this once, it was misunderstood, whereas I was not talking about secularism in a political sense, I was saying it in a philosophical sense. The second is egocentrism. It is the sacralization of the ego. When some Western-educated psychologists come to us for couples therapy, when there is a crisis in the family, they tell the spouses that the family is not sacred, the individual is sacred. Conservative-looking religious therapists also do this. One day when I said this, a veiled doctor friend objected. I said, ‘You are a green feminist, excuse me.’ The women’s liberation movement started in the 1960s, but it started as a rightful movement. Is there no male oppression? There is a lot, but it developed the wrong methodology. It started to focus on male-female competition. What happens when you define a relationship focused on competition? When there is male-female competition, ego wars like 'what you said, what I said, my mother, your money, my money' occur. Power and dominance in the family are over each other. What happens to a family model like this, a relationship that turns into male-female wars? This is a relationship that buys into the error of feminism. If you see it this way, it is not enough for someone's clothes to be religious. But philosophically, this type of feminist approach that leads to a competitive male-female relationship. Feminism, as a women’s liberation movement, is a very beneficial movement. It strengthens women’s role in the family and society. It is the role of motherhood, the role of spouse, and the role of a working woman. A relationship network that can balance all three emerges. In these roles, there is no ‘either this or that’. It is necessary to describe a woman who can successfully carry out the roles of mother, spouse, and working woman all together.” he said.
The last refuge: family…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, mentioning that the family is now called a haven of trust, said; “When I researched how the family model was in the life of the Prophet, I found three types of relationships between the Prophet and the opposite sex. One is Khadijah. She had a nurturing nature. She was 15 years older than him, but she was supportive, protective, and their relationship was very valuable and high quality. The second is his daughter Fatima. As Ali's wife and the Prophet's daughter, she preferred to remain somewhat in her husband's shadow. This is also a correct approach. There is not just one correct path in the Prophet’s life. The third is the Aisha model. In this era, one will choose one of the three. All three are correct, and one can choose any of them, but if someone in this age wants to be in social life, to live themselves in social roles, they will make one of these choices regarding it. There is no single truth. Since our reference is the Age of Bliss, then we need to test ourselves with the information here and produce solutions to the problems brought by modernism. Modernism offers us these two diseases. First, the disease of worldliness. It destroys a person's accountability. It is important for it to be a safe zone. We used to always say this about the family; ‘The family is a nest of love.’ But now it is understood that ‘the family is a haven of trust.’ It is the essential safe space. When someone comes home, there should be an environment where they can comfortably turn their back, where there are no lies, but open, transparent, honest relationships. When we say ‘the last refuge is family,’ we mean this.” he said.
“We need to change the terms 'shameful', 'forbidden', 'sinful'”
Tarhan, making evaluations regarding the rapid change in social norms, said; “There are rules, traditions, and customs. Currently, social norms are rapidly changing globally. The social walls, which were like outer fortresses, have been shrunk under the name of neighborhood pressure, and group pressures have disappeared. In society, there is massive urbanization, and the world is like an electronic village. This has rapidly changed social norms. What is the last remaining norm? Our family norms remain. The family also has an open door: Digital media, smartphones, social media. We are in an unsafe environment within the safe space of the home. In an unsafe world, our child is engaged in relationships with the digital world. In such a situation, the model of motherhood and fatherhood needs to change. Recently, a conservative family brought me a 15-year-old girl. The child was a hafiz. Later, the child was sent to an Imam Hatip school. The child says, ‘I have decided to be an atheist, I want to live my own life.’ The family is panicked; they ask, ‘What should we do? Why did this happen?’ The traditional family is related to our attitude in this family. There is a model that says; ‘Shameful, forbidden, sinful.’ They raised the child with these three concepts. The child says, ‘What do I care about shame? I want to live my own life.’ The child has adopted modernism information from the market and accepts it as their own value. The second is forbidden. The child says, ‘If it's forbidden, it's your prohibition. I don't have to obey this prohibition.’ Then they say; ‘It's a sin, my child, God has forbidden this, it's a sin.’ The child then goes and asks a scholar. They go with the parents by force. They ask the scholar, ‘Can we force a child to pray, to wear certain clothes?’ The scholar says; ‘There is no compulsion in our religion, but there is no compulsion for non-Muslims, but you can compel a Muslim.’ What the scholar says is a traditional perspective. That's why the child also says; ‘I don't want to be a Muslim either.’ Therefore, we need to change the terms 'shameful', 'forbidden', 'sinful' that we used before, with new methods. This doesn't happen in some families. In the family I mentioned, the home is like a courtroom. The child feels as if they are being judged, interrogated when they come home. The lack of a warm atmosphere at home was an important, influential factor here.”
“Motherhood, fatherhood means walking alongside the child”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that if we can teach the truths we hold not by frightening, threatening, and pressuring, but by explaining them with their justifications, there is a solution to this. Tarhan said; “They always approach the child with criticism. ‘Don't do that, don't wear this,’ they always approach critically. However, the model of motherhood and fatherhood is not about taking the child aside and correcting them, but about walking alongside the child. Sitting down and talking about life with them. The child should learn such beautiful stories at a young age. If there is a warm and loving atmosphere, if the child loves the family, loves the mother and father, and comes home warmly running, that child, even if they see wrongs, will eventually see that that world is fake. They can come back and find the truths. The other method the family used was the authoritarian method. Persistent, suppressive. Such children either go into an opposite role. They object like the child who came to me. Because their sense of autonomy is high. Or some children commit suicide. Here, we need to change our motherhood and fatherhood practices. We need to change our partner methods. We will proceed with methods of persuasion and conviction. Not by frightening, threatening, and pressuring the truths we hold. If we teach by explaining them with their justifications, there is a solution to this.”
“The most important discovery of humanity is the family”
Tarhan, making evaluations on the concept of family being a cultural concept, said; “There is a Chinese proverb; ‘If you want a yield for one year, plant wheat; if you want a yield for five to ten years, plant trees; if you want a yield for fifty to one hundred years, cultivate people.’ The most important area for cultivating people is the family. Genetic matching, for example, is biological, but marriage is cultural. The most important discovery of humanity is the family. We are losing this discovery. The family is not genetic. Matching is genetic. That's why it's in our genes, family is in our nature. Let's not say 'nothing will happen to the family', the family is deteriorating. For this, biologically, what is innate is matching. In that case, in matching, as in Western culture today, the fragility of single-person households has increased. They developed this; in fact, there are now single mothers. The egg is from her, and the sperm is from a sperm bank, so her own child exists this way. Therefore, in such a situation, the concept of family is cultural. If it is not taught through social learning, we will lose it. For this reason, let's not deceive ourselves by saying 'family is innate, nothing will happen to the family'.”
After the opening session concluded, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan was presented with a gift for his participation, and commemorative photos were taken.