Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan: “Comparing Siblings is Like Pouring Gasoline on Fire”

Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar University, met with educators and parents at Private Dragos Esa College. In the online meeting, Tarhan drew attention to the importance of a healthy and balanced approach in relationships with children under the title 'Family Communication with Children'. Tarhan stated that making comparisons in sibling rivalry within the family is like pouring gasoline on fire and would further fuel jealousy.  

“Children who have attended kindergarten can be a step ahead in terms of socialization”

Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating the importance of preschool education for socialization, began his words by saying; “One of the most challenging and demanding areas of education is preschool education. Especially the kindergarten and pre-primary periods require more attention. Because when a child first comes to school, they might feel like they've arrived on an alien planet. They are coming from the safe environment of home, away from their mother or father. During this process, especially children who have previously attended kindergarten can be a step ahead in terms of socialization. Their social and emotional skills are a bit more developed. At this point, it is necessary to look at which aspects of the child come to the fore in preschool and kindergarten practices. The child comes having written their own life script up to this age. Mother, father, elder brother, sister, if any, uncle, aunt, maternal uncle, maternal aunt… There are different roles according to the family's spirit. Now, new people enter their lives: teachers, elder sisters, elder brothers, siblings, friends in the classroom… Brand new actors appear on stage. The child needs to learn to rewrite their life script with these new actors.” 

“The Brain is Like a Bridge Between Our Soul and the Material World”

Tarhan, stating that the brain acts as a bridge between the soul and the material world, said; “In the frontal region of the brain, there is a structure called the medial prefrontal cortex. This region functions like the brain's watchtower. Especially in children, this region is very active. That is, the child observes and monitors everything. First, they observe their family, then when they come to school, they start observing there too. With all these observations, they grow by attaching meaning to their surroundings. We say every child is a world, don't we? I especially want to emphasize this. Because this is no longer abstract knowledge but a reality with concrete implications. Our soul structure manifests itself in this world through the brain. The brain is like a bridge between our soul and the material world. That is, our brain is the organ that makes our soul visible. Therefore, when we are dealing with a child in the preschool period, we should act knowing that we are actually building the foundation of a human being. The stronger the foundation, the more durable the building will be. In an earthquake, a building with strong foundations shakes but does not collapse. If the foundation is rotten, no matter how strong the upper part is, the building will easily collapse. It is exactly the same in life.”

“Democracy Begins in the Family”

Tarhan, drawing attention to the recent increase in child-centric families, said; “We generally encounter three different family types. The first is the authoritarian or autocratic family type. In these families, obedience is glorified. If told to 'sit,' they sit; if told to 'stand,' they stand. The ideal of a well-behaved child is taught. There is even a famous saying, 'The elder speaks, the younger stays silent.' Children raised with this understanding learn not to speak against their elders. Another type is the liberal family type, which allows everything, where the child is at the center. Recently, the number of children raised in these types of families has significantly increased. These children are raised like the little leaders of the house. However, these children are the ones who struggle the most, especially in kindergarten and daycare environments. Because not everyone acts as they wish anymore. At the same time, this environment offers a great opportunity for learning about life. The third family type is families with a democratic functioning. That's why we always say that democracy begins in the family. If a child has not been raised in a democratic environment within the family, they will struggle to apply democracy in their future marriage, business life, and social relationships.” 

“Preschool Education Should Be Focused on Raising Virtuous Individuals”

Tarhan, explaining the importance of providing values education between the ages of 4-6, said; “There's a very good practice in the education systems of China and Japan. We haven't been able to implement it yet. We still see school as a place where information is loaded onto the child. However, the preschool period, especially between ages 4-6, requires a much different approach. In these countries, children in this age range are given values education. Instead of teaching academic knowledge like reading and writing, the focus is on behavioral education. That is, playing together, sharing, helping, assembling and disassembling things together, going out to the field, being active… They instill fundamental values in children through teamwork and active applications. They have created a special education module for this age. The fruits of such an education are not reaped immediately. There is a proverb about this: 'If you want a one-year yield, plant wheat; if you want a ten-year yield, plant trees; but if you want a fifty-year, hundred-year yield, raise people.' This is a long-term investment. The result of investing in a child is seen at least 15-20 years later. This understanding needs to be established in our kindergartens as well. Preschool education should be focused on raising virtuous individuals. Because children learn virtues at this age. They learn not to lie, to be honest, to help, to understand others' feelings, not to be selfish, but also not to let themselves be pushed around at these ages. Afterwards, they reinforce these values through experience. Therefore, this critical period is the starting point for values education.”

“Comparing Siblings is Like Pouring Gasoline on Fire”

Tarhan, stating that unfairness among siblings would cause problems, said; “The biggest trigger for sibling rivalry is comparison. There is already a natural jealousy among siblings. Comparing siblings is like pouring gasoline on fire. Jealousy intensifies, disturbing the children's peace and generally creating unease in the home. If unfairness is added to this, jealousy increases even more. For example, when a new baby is born, the child is told, 'Look, your sibling is born, you've been replaced.' Such expressions provoke the older sibling. Then they go and pinch the sleeping sibling, making them cry out. This becomes a situation that exceeds the natural dimension of jealousy. Of course, there is also natural jealousy, which should not be forgotten. This is a kind of 'boatman's quarrel.' That is, siblings fight, and an hour later they continue playing together as if nothing happened. Such situations should not be exaggerated. However, what is important here is how the parents approach this situation. If the ages are close, boys might try to bully their sisters. In such situations, the first thing to do is not to compare. Not just not comparing is not enough. If the mother favors one child and the father favors the other, then a vertical coalition forms in the family. That is, the mother is on one side, the father on the other, and the children take sides accordingly. This leads to polarization within the home. Instead, a horizontal coalition should be established. That is, the mother and father should adopt a common stance. They should use a common language. Also, parents should tell their children, 'Having a sibling is a chance. This is a great advantage for you in learning about life.' Because there will inevitably be conflicts of interest and boundary violations among siblings, but as the child experiences these, they learn to resolve them. These are things learned through experience. When a child grows with these experiences, they know their boundaries, develop empathy. Even if conflicts of interest occur, they can easily find solutions.” 

“A Child Who Cannot Learn Life's Boundaries Can Harm Both Themselves and Their Surroundings”

Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of the family being a safe environment, said; “One of the fundamental functions of a family is to be a haven of trust. The key concept here is trust. It is important for a child to love their home, but this love is meaningful only if accompanied by trust. If there is no trust, love alone is not enough; in this case, a spoiled, insatiable, and irresponsible child can grow up. A child who cannot learn life's boundaries can harm both themselves and their surroundings, but if they learn boundaries, they know where to stop, realize their own abilities, and develop emotional awareness. This greatly contributes to their development as a healthy individual. Therefore, a child's ability to learn boundaries is a very valuable investment for their psychological development. These are the seeds sown in the child's developing soul. These seeds are first sown in the family, then in kindergarten. Over time, these seeds become trees and bear fruit. This is how many good people are raised.”

“Playing Ensures Social Development, Loving Ensures Emotional Development”

Tarhan, stating that children learn their social boundaries through play, said; “There is a concept called the silent education method. This method involves educating silently, through behaviors and as a role model, instead of lecturing the child face-to-face. The main point in silent education is for the child to learn by observing. If the child is in a leadership position at home, danger begins, especially for only children. However, if the child is not a leader, they can learn to distinguish life's boundaries and social boundaries among siblings. This difference is not very large, but it is learned through experience. Especially in 'apartment children,' meaning children who do not grow up with neighborhood children or cousins, this learning can be deficient. After a child starts walking, the socialization process already begins. The most serious learning tool during this period is play. Play is the child's most important work. Through play, they learn social boundaries, sharing, and waiting. Giving a tablet to a child between 0-3 years old and leaving them alone with a screen causes great harm. During this period, parents should play with their child. Play is the child's profession. Whatever the adults' job is, the child's job is play. Child mental health can be summed up in two words: one is playing, the other is loving. Playing ensures social development, loving ensures emotional development. It is important to teach these social boundaries to the child at home. Parents will not say 'yes' or 'no' to everything the child says. They will teach them where to stop and where not to stop.” 

“Let's Fear Not Realizing It, Not the Trauma Itself”

Tarhan, explaining the steps of psychological resilience, said; “Let's fear not realizing it, not the trauma itself. We can all have traumatic experiences in our lives. A life with zero problems is not possible. Life is a table where good and bad, bitter and sweet, are together. What is important is to accept this reality and live by focusing on the positive. If we overreact to every situation, there might be a suppressed or unrecognized trauma. A person with emotional awareness can manage this situation. Accepting our mistakes is a sign of maturity. A person who can confront themselves matures their ego. Therefore, if a parent wants to correct their child, or a teacher their student, they should start with themselves. We must start changing the world with ourselves. If we know our own weaknesses and strengths, we also become aware of our emotions. Thus, we better understand the emotions of others. If we are not aware of our emotions, we suppress and project them. We label children with phrases like 'This one is naughty, won't amount to anything.' In reality, this is a reflection of our own lack of self-confidence and also damages the child's self-confidence. The first step of psychological resilience is self-knowledge, or self-awareness. The second step is self-management, being able to control impulses and emotions. The third step is emotional awareness, meaning being able to understand others' feelings, to empathize. The fourth is to be able to manage relationships. Without developing these three fundamental skills, we cannot manage our relationships healthily.” 

“The Happiest Are Those With Strong Social Bonds”

Tarhan, stating that family ties and neighborhood relationships have weakened in recent years, concluded his words by saying; “The human brain works relationally. It does not work in isolation. For its development, it needs to form relationships and socialize. In short, humans are social beings. These relationships are of great importance for both psychological and mental development. There is a notable study on this subject: Harvard University's 70-year happiness study. In the research, people with different backgrounds are followed for many years. The result is very clear: the happiest people in life are those with strong social bonds. This shows that a person is happy not as much as their money, job, or education, but as much as their relationships with the people around them. We are actually a lucky society in this regard. Our family structure, neighborhood relationships, and friendships are strong, but in recent years, there has been a weakening in these bonds. Last year, the phrase 'crowded loneliness' was chosen as the word of the year. This indicates that many people feel lonely even in crowds. This situation is a serious warning from both individual and societal perspectives. We need to teach children socialization, sharing, and acting together at an early age. Because sharing and forming relationships are among the most important skills a person will use throughout life. The path to raising happy, healthy individuals also passes through here.”