Experts state that unhappiness-inducing loneliness has increased with the establishment of virtual relationships, and that people sometimes choose loneliness. Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasizes that humans are born relational by biological nature and that the brain develops through social contact and relationships. Tarhan points out that a person left alone cannot develop, stating, “Humans are social beings, but imposed loneliness and chosen loneliness are distinct concepts. Knowledgeable individuals choose loneliness. Chosen loneliness is the disease of CEOs and leaders. They actually embark on their first journey of inner discovery through loneliness.” He emphasizes that to overcome loneliness, we need to recognize and manage our fears. Tarhan states that loneliness is a method depending on the purpose for which it is used.
Üsküdar University Founding Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan made assessments on loneliness and addressed the differences between chosen loneliness and imposed loneliness.
Humans are born psychologically premature
Starting his remarks by stating that loneliness appears to be a problem that needs a solution, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “In fact, loneliness has a solution. It is necessary to establish a good relationship between human biological and psychological nature and loneliness. Humans are born relational by biological nature. Humans are relational beings in terms of brain and personality development structure. A child can stand after 1 year of birth, and can perform profit-loss analysis after 15 years. This means that humans are born psychologically premature. It's a kind of premature birth. This is the design of human creation. This means that humans develop socially.”
Humankind learns sociality later
Stating that humans are born dependent on others, Tarhan mentioned cases of wild children lost in the forest that entered the literature. Recalling Oxana Malaya, who grew up with dogs from the age of 3 to 10 in Ukraine, Tarhan said, “She barks like a dog, walks like a dog, tries to eat with her mouth, doesn't use her hands, moves on all fours. When found, she is immediately taken into protection. However, towards the age of 20, she can start walking on two feet and speak a few things. This means that fine motor, gross motor, language development, social, emotional, and sensory skills develop as she observed from her environment. This shows that humankind learns sociality later.”
The brain develops through social contact
Noting that humans are born with the capacity and inclination to be human, but can only learn humanity when among people, Tarhan said, “Pygmies who had never left the forest were found in Africa. A relationship was established with them, and they became friends. One day, they took them out to an open plain. There, they saw herds of buffalo and started chasing them with their hands. Yet, the animals were far away. When asked why they behaved this way, they said, ‘flies are coming towards us.’ In other words, they hadn't even learned the concept of distance. They perceived the distant animal stampedes as flies coming towards them. The brain develops through social contact, through relationships. This is the characteristic of the human brain.”
Knowledgeable individuals choose loneliness
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that a person left alone cannot develop and becomes mentally dull, stating, “Humans are social beings, but chosen loneliness is something different. That is, imposed loneliness or chosen loneliness are distinct concepts. Humans have three skills: one is stress management, the second is communicating with people, and the third is thought habits. When a person learns these three skills, they can teach themselves. So, loneliness and happiness can coexist, but only if it is chosen.”
Tarhan continued his words by saying that knowledgeable people choose loneliness:
“They are not bothered by loneliness; in fact, they embark on their first journey of inner discovery through loneliness. They educate themselves, their desires, their impulses. Tolstoy has a beautiful story about this. They ask a hermit, ‘Aren't you bored with loneliness? Why do you stay alone?’ And he says, ‘No, I'm not bored. I am not alone.’ He states, with examples, that he trained the wild emotions within him by staying alone. As a person progresses on the path of wisdom, it is very important for them to be able to train the wild and primitive emotions within themselves by staying alone. This is chosen loneliness. Not continuously, but from time to time, a person will be alone for a certain period of their life to connect with themselves. In our relationships, we already establish family, social, and professional connections. We also connect with the Creator.”
People who combine their loneliness with inner peace through meditation are at peace with themselves
Tarhan, giving examples from studies on Sufi meditation and Buddhist meditations, said, “When a person enters meditation, electrodes record brain signals. When they capture the emotion, the brain releases happiness hormones. Relevant areas are activated. When a person feels integrated with the universe, with all their desires met and needs fulfilled, there is a tremendous sense of comfort, a feeling of flying. In fact, to overcome loneliness, a person loses their personality boundaries and integrates with the universe. For example, when performing worship, if emotions are fully involved, it becomes a meditative prayer. For this, there must be both mental focus and emotional intensity in reverence. If there is mental focus, emotional intensity follows.” He added the following about meditation: “A person's ability to choose loneliness, succeed in being alone, and do so while pursuing their goal actually indicates their level of mental development. People who combine their loneliness with inner peace through meditation are strong, at peace with themselves, and do not give up on their goals. Gandhi is a good example of this. They called him a 'one-man army'. In his memoirs, Gandhi says, ‘A person with God by their side is not alone, but a majority of one. Those who fought for truth in history faced difficulties in the short term but won in the long term.”
Modernism makes us forget loneliness
Tarhan added that loneliness also enables a person to see certain things, stating, “A person can question themselves, engage in self-criticism, and 'Stop, think, restart.' This is a kind of moratorium. With a moratorium, a person takes a break to restructure themselves. During this break, they re-evaluate. In entrepreneurship, this is even called the '15 percent rule.' The 15 percent rule says that if you are working, you should also think about the work you are doing for 1.5 hours. When a person does this, they see their mistakes, develop themselves, and learn from mistakes. They gain different perspectives, find new options, and expand their vision. Visionary people are usually like this. Working people get engrossed in their work. You go to work, come back, and then sit in front of the television. People never make time for themselves. Modernism makes us forget loneliness.”
They take refuge in the armor of loneliness…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that unhappiness-inducing loneliness has increased significantly, saying, “With the establishment of virtual connections, people do not form real connections. Virtual connections are weaker than real ones. Since virtual relationships are weak, they are not healthy relationships. They turn a person into a kind of addict. Virtual relationships can be established to get emotional support, to avoid facing some realities, or as a stress reduction technique.”
Tarhan continued by saying that loneliness also feeds selfishness:
“You don't have to account to anyone; you can make your own decisions independently. You don't need to consult anyone. They say, ‘I don't have time for a relationship. I don't want to bear someone else's responsibility.’ Self-admiration is fostered under the guise of self-confidence. Narcissism, or egocentrism (satisfying one's own ego, putting oneself first), is amplified. Such people also end up alone even though they don't want to. Because there is the loneliness of an avoidant personality. They stay alone against their will. These are people with high egos. They generally cannot initiate communication or conversation. In human relationships, they cannot say 'this is my opinion.' They take refuge in the armor of loneliness.”
Schizoid individuals are also lonely but happy
Tarhan pointed out that schizoid individuals are also lonely but happy, saying, “However, these individuals are close to schizophrenia. That is, they contribute nothing to family or society. They only work for themselves. Schizoids live in their own worlds. They do some basic tasks. Beyond that, they are not social, and they don't speak properly. I know such a person. His wife was forcing him to talk. Finally, the man says, ‘Accept me as deaf and mute.’ That's all he says. This is not a disease; it's a personality trait. These individuals are not psychiatric or clinical cases. But they live alone. They have no complaints about it. Some are also very talented. They know several languages, but they are of no benefit to others.”
Loneliness is a method, depending on the purpose for which it is used…
Tarhan also stated that shy people remain alone, saying, “They are afraid of making mistakes and have social anxieties. They fear being embarrassed in front of everyone, which is common in our culture because embarrassment and shyness are encouraged. Shyness also pushes one towards loneliness. When we cannot manage our fears, we take refuge in the armor of loneliness. Loneliness that leads to internal conflict truly makes a person ill. If it does not lead to internal conflict, and if it is a chosen loneliness, a person can develop themselves in such situations. Therefore, loneliness itself is not inherently bad. Loneliness is a method depending on the purpose for which it is used.”
The female brain finds relief by alleviating loneliness under stress, while the male brain finds relief by taking refuge in loneliness
Tarhan stated that women, especially, feel very lonely and unloved, and are unhappy, saying, “They cannot treat their children well, and they cannot do motherhood and their jobs well. As a result, they are criticized by their environment, and the situation worsens. This is where the difference between the female and male brain lies. The female brain finds relief by alleviating loneliness under stress. The male brain also tries to find solutions by taking refuge in its mental sanctuary, meaning loneliness, under stress. If there is tension at home, and no conversation or sharing, women feel bad.”
Tarhan also noted that some people need much more appreciation, praise, and approval than usual, saying, “These people also feel lonely when they don't receive these. They don't come to us saying 'I am lonely,' but we see that loneliness is in the background. They avoid intimacy, but they cause this unconsciously. By revealing these, by seeing the situation they caused, developing certain thought strategies or relationship strategies, both the biological and psychological aspects can be treated.”
To overcome loneliness, we need to recognize and manage our fears
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that these are called modern freedoms because modernism has increased some chosen lonelinesses, saying, “Chosen loneliness is the disease of CEOs and leaders. In fact, people's lives become like a modern prison. No one can talk to them as if they are living in a prison; they don't want to talk, they are afraid. They are, in a way, condemned to loneliness. It can also be a situation we call imposed loneliness. They cause it themselves, and society and their environment are forced to leave them alone. They also immediately reject anyone who wants to alleviate loneliness.” He concluded his words as follows:
“Also, paranoid individuals often remain very lonely. They choose loneliness because they trust no one. They view everyone who approaches as a suspicious threat. They are driven to loneliness, but unconsciously, they invite it themselves. To overcome loneliness, we need to recognize and manage our fears. We may not be able to eliminate our fears because, at a certain point, fears protect people from danger. When the dose is exceeded, fears become our weakness.”