Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, made remarkable assessments on the program 'What You Don't Know,' broadcast on TGRT Haber. Underlining that values and cultures are no longer taught by families but by social media, Tarhan emphasized that children have lost their compasses. Tarhan emphasized that abstract values should be taught to children; 'Being a good person, keeping one's word, respecting the rights of others. These were previously learned automatically culturally; families taught them. Now that families don't teach them, children are completely left without a compass.'
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, made evaluations regarding contemporary parent-child relationships.
We have evolved from a patriarchal family to a child-centric family…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating on TGRT Haber's live broadcast that social norms acted as an inner fortress for the family, pointed out that these norms have weakened with the use of smartphones. Tarhan said; 'With the 21st century, many truths and rules have changed. Families who cannot adapt to this new situation, who try to give old answers to old questions, cannot adapt. Old parenting practices and current parenting practices do not align much. In the past, a house, a family, had rules. There were social norms, societal norms. These protected the family, and there were also various values related to the family. These protected the family. Now these values and social norms have changed. Social norms protected the family like an inner fortress. These were traditions, customs, habits, and various cultural values in society. This has also weakened now. Media has a very serious impact here. Previously, culture was transmitted by parents. Now, media transmits culture. While we used to see the family as an inner fortress, we can no longer see it as such; the walls have fallen. Smartphones are the open door of the family. Due to this, children are exposed to many things. They are exposed to very different ideas, truths that are not appropriate for their age. Parents struggle to manage this, and culturally, past generations matured amidst difficulties. New generations must mature amidst abundance. They acquire things more easily, have more possessions, and more opportunities. Maturing within abundance and managing it is more difficult. Parents, with good intentions, give children two or three times the love. This is the most common situation we encounter. When given two or three times the love, children imagine themselves at the center of the world. We have now evolved from a patriarchal, matriarchal family towards a child-centric family. In such a situation, the child becomes the boss of the house, the leader of the house. That is, it operates child-focused.'
We are raising our children without purpose!
Tarhan stated that families prioritize teaching concrete values when raising their children, but emphasized that what is truly necessary is to teach abstract values. Tarhan said; 'Parenthood does not mean making the child happy. It is thought of as the child's momentary happiness. However, we need to set a goal for the child's happiness three, five, or ten years later—a goal that the child will exert effort, sweat, and work for in the future. We are raising our children without purpose. We are not teaching children an ego ideal. This concrete ego ideal is not about having a house, a car, or children. We need to give them an ego ideal, asking what kind of person they want to be in life. We need to teach abstract values. Being a good person, keeping one's word, respecting the rights of others. Just as apartments in a building have boundaries, there are also boundaries in social human relationships. For example, sacrifice, sharing, helpfulness—these were automatically learned culturally. Families taught them; now that families don't teach them, children are completely left without a compass. Therefore, blaming all of this on young people is wrong.'
Is social media a threat?
Tarhan stated that the upbringing environment is healthier in families with common values and goals, and noted that social media is both an opportunity and a threat. Tarhan said; 'There are authoritarian families who exert pressure and excessively oppress the child. The child goes to the opposite extreme. They become the complete opposite of their parents. Or, due to parenting practices that allow everything, parents view social media as a threat, but they shouldn't. Social media has both a threat dimension and an opportunity dimension. Social media, technology is neutral. There is a study conducted by the University of Nebraska in the USA. In this study, three common characteristics were identified in peaceful families who raise good children. First, families who love spending time with their children. Second, families where husband and wife are said to be gracious to each other, speaking with compliments. Third, families who go to church together were observed. So, what does this actually show? Children grow up healthier in families with common values and common goals. If there is conflict between parents, in such situations, the child manipulates that conflict, sometimes using the mother, sometimes the father, according to their own interests. They manipulate very easily.'
A child is naturally prone to narcissism…
Tarhan stated that narcissism is inherent in children's nature and emphasized the importance of teaching children to share. Tarhan said; 'In single-parent families, the mother is self-sacrificing. She tries to be both mother and father, and that self-sacrifice makes the child egocentric. Childhood narcissism develops. That is, the child is naturally prone to being narcissistic. He calls it primary narcissism for babies. The world revolves around them, transforms. As the child grows, they invest their love in their family, their mother, society, and learn to share. If we don't teach sharing, the child will want to take everything from a young age. At a young age, they want a toy car. As they grow up, they want a small car, then a big car. For this, the child sees the parents like a fruit tree and shakes them. To prevent this, education starts at a young age. If the home is a peaceful, warm environment, social media does no harm.'
It is necessary to be a companion to the child…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that when parents explain their children's mistakes, they should do so with reasons, and mentioned that self-confidence is an important factor in children. Tarhan said; 'If the tone of voice rises at home, if there is violence, if parents struggle to come home, or if there are single-parent families, in such situations, what parents often do, often unknowingly and with good intentions, is to take the child aside and try to correct them. However, as a principle, we should take our child by our side and walk together… That is, when we try to shape them like dough or a statue, children nowadays have a strong sense of autonomy. Because with the influence of social media, children easily say no to their parents from a young age. In such situations, it is necessary to explain the wrongs to the child with reasons. When we approach the child with pressure, threats, intimidation, or coercion, the child perceives this as an unjust attack and resists. If a child has high self-confidence, they resort to violence against parents, hitting, throwing, breaking the TV, breaking the remote control. If their self-confidence is low, they withdraw. During adolescence, they start running away from home. If there's something very important that the parents love, the child does the exact opposite. For example, if they are achievement-oriented, the child becomes lazy. That is, if the family is meticulous, the child becomes messy. They seek a kind of revenge on their parents. To prevent this, instead of taking the child aside and correcting them, it is necessary to walk alongside them, to be like a companion. What is there in companionship? Two people try to complement each other. They do not try to correct each other. The mother corrects the child, the child corrects the mother. That is, mother-child, father-child wars begin.'
The child acts according to the parents' attitude…
Tarhan, discussing the reasons why families with children aged 12-19 apply to psychiatrists; 'They don't want to go to school, coming with school refusal. Another complaint is, they say, 'He runs away from home.' They say he plays betting games. He turns to gambling, goes online. He gets lost for hours in various games. He doesn't come home with friends. In fact, he shapes himself according to the parents' attitude. He makes the parents very angry, makes them shout. Then he blames the mother, blames the father, saying 'You always shout like this anyway.' He provokes, gets on their nerves, makes them shout. The child engages in serious emotional exploitation. He does this unknowingly. The mother loses leadership over the child, and the child becomes the leader. Let's say the mother or father has done everything the child wanted until that age, up to 12 years old. At 12 years old, we tell the child, 'You've grown up, don't act like that anymore, act like this.' No, it's too late now. You can't suddenly drop a car going 150 to 70-80. In that situation, you will now try to convince them with reasons. If you can't, then you will get help.'
The child feels like a separate individual
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that children begin to individualize after the age of 10; 'We love the child by saying 'my dear child,' which is wrong. Because they are a separate person. If the child is younger than 10, they like it, at 7-8 years old. But after that, the child feels, 'I am a separate human being,' individualization begins after 10 years old. The child feels the need to say, 'I am a separate individual,' not 'my dear child.' When they say 'I am a separate individual,' and when parents say 'my dear child,' they are implying 'you are like my limb,' 'you are like my arm.' How does one treat their limb? They say 'lie down, lie down, get up, get up.' The child does not want to be like that. They are a separate individual. That is, the child is our child, but not ours to own. They are a separate individual. When we don't grant them that individuality, the child begins to polarize with the mother. To prevent polarization, it is necessary to leave them their own free space. Unless they make big mistakes like lying, using drugs, or running away from home, whether they tidied their room or not, did this or didn't do that. A child learns some things by experiencing them. Therefore, we need to allow them the right to make mistakes so they can learn about life. We have a duty to warn. We will perform our duty to warn, but they will experience the consequences, pay a price, and learn. As a mother, we want to constantly be by their side. There, we should be like a pilot guide. That is, you are captaining, we are trying to manage the child's life. Before the age of 10, the child likes this, but after the age of 10, because the child enters adolescence, they ask questions like 'Who am I, where should I direct myself?' and begin to individualize.'
Let's see the negativity but not fall into despair
Tarhan stated that family problems exist worldwide and mentioned that one should see the negativity but not fall into despair. Tarhan said; 'There is a serious fire in families. It exists in Turkey, and it exists worldwide. Divorce rates in marriage are over 50%. Therefore, anti-marriage movements have multiplied very rapidly, saying that one should not invest in an institution that is unsuccessful in the world. Currently, over 50% of children born out of wedlock in Europe. In our country, this is 2.9%. In Europe, it's 56-59%, in Iceland, 69%. There are such figures. Therefore, in Turkey, there is a situation that transcends these families. That is, building roads, factories, bridges is very good, but raising families, raising people is not unimportant. There is a Chinese proverb; 'If you want a one-year harvest, sow wheat. If you want a ten-year harvest, plant trees. If you want a hundred-year harvest, cultivate people.' That is, raising a good person is not less important than being a good industrialist. For this, investment needs to be made. Policies also need to be regulated accordingly. Therefore, let's see the negativity but not fall into despair. Let this not be accepting the wrong, learned helplessness; there are solutions. Because we see that many families who come like this later recover. Therefore, let's never be pessimistic. Life events and crises can sometimes lead to new births, new developments.'