Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, addressed the importance of “The Father’s Role in the Family” in the program “Akla Kapı with Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan” broadcast on Dost TV and Dost FM. Stating that love and honesty create trust in the family, Tarhan emphasized that love and discipline parameters should be used in a balanced way in the family. Noting that the trust relationship creates attachment and that parenthood is not about establishing a top-down relationship, Tarhan added that motherhood and fatherhood mean being life companions. Tarhan, who said that children get trust from their fathers and love from their mothers, also stated that love and trust are intertwined.
“Dishonest love is not sustainable…”
Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, emphasizing that trust is born from the combination of love and honesty, pointed out that dishonest love is not sustainable. Prof. Dr. Tarhan said; “The father’s role is to protect the mother, to create a safe space for the mother, and to make the mother feel secure. There is a cycle where the mother’s well-being depends on the father, and the child’s well-being depends on the mother. If a father says, ‘I just bring home bread, I don’t get involved in anything else,’ then the mother feels lonely, unloved, and unhappy because if there is love, fear decreases and trust increases; if there is no love, fear increases and trust decreases. If there is love and honesty, that love creates trust. In dishonest love, one loves, but if the person lies and doesn’t inspire trust, that love is not sustainable. In such a case, since that feeling of trust and safe space is not formed, it negatively affects the child and the mother,” he stated.
“Children Express What They Cannot Verbalize Through Drawings”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, speaking about the importance of parents spending time with their children, said; “During play therapy, children are asked, ‘What do you think about your father?’ The child says, ‘I don’t want my father to yell at me.’ For example, when drawing a picture, the child draws the father very far away or draws the father without arms. When asked, ‘Why did you draw him like that?’ they reply, ‘So he can’t hit me.’ In play therapy, children express things they cannot verbalize through drawings. For example, they draw a house but without a chimney, meaning they don’t have a perception of a warm home. Or they draw their mother without a mouth. When asked ‘Why?’ it turns out the mother scolds the child frequently. In such situations, the child thinks, ‘My mother doesn’t like me, my mother doesn’t love me,’ ” he said.
“Raising a Child with Fear in This Era Means Losing That Child”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, emphasizing that children should not be raised with fear, said; “If you choose to teach the rules of life to children of this era by frightening them, that child will start lying the moment they move away from their parents. The moment they distance themselves, they go in the opposite direction, adopting a rebellious identity. With adolescence, they start doing the exact opposite of what their mother says. Therefore, raising a child with fear in this era means losing that child. It is important to be a role model for them instead of acting authoritatively. Children observe behaviors because they learn not from words, but from actions and and experiences. That is, a life event, an experience that a mother, father, and child share together, is written as a life script in the child’s brain. In later years, when conditions arise, they unconsciously play out that script,” he stated.
“There is no Greater Virtue Than Self-Observation”
Tarhan, speaking about the importance of self-observation, emphasized that people should act in line with their observations. Tarhan said; “Some people are one way outside and another way at home. Talkative outside, like a commander at home. There’s a saying in Anatolia; ‘Good to outsiders, a bear at home…’ Some people are like that, having a dual personality, which is a kind of double standard. Such behavior is not a personality disorder; sometimes these are unconscious actions. There is no greater virtue than for a person to observe themselves. One should observe themselves, their emotions, their behaviors, analyze them, and act accordingly. Then, one should observe the emotions of the other party, observe relationships, and act accordingly. This is a skill that needs to be learned. Our current father model is, ‘I brought bread home, that’s enough.’ This is a businessman’s role, not a father’s role or a spouse’s role. Role sharing needs to be healthy. The professional role is separate, the fatherhood role is separate, the spouse’s role is separate… All these roles must be acted upon appropriately,” he said.
“Love and Discipline Parameters Must Be Used in Balance”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of the balance between love and discipline, said; “A child observes both the mother and the father and identifies with them. They will emulate whoever they identify with more, whoever they spend better, quality time with. There is a belief that girls are fond of their fathers and boys are fond of their mothers. What is primary here is spending time together. Parents are the child’s heroes until the age of 10. The child copies and emulates their every move. Love and discipline parameters must be used in balance. If there is a lot of discipline and little love in a home, the child learns the exact opposite. If there are very strict rules, the child becomes prone to crime and skillful in it. If there is a lot of love but no discipline, the child becomes insatiable. If both love and discipline are excessive, the child becomes passive and lacks self-confidence. If there is neither love nor discipline, the child becomes a crime machine. The home must be a rule-based environment; the mother should not send one message and the father another. Parents should establish a common horizontal relationship. If the mother forms a coalition with one child and the father with another, there will be no peace but polarization in that home. Therefore, if parents discuss educational issues together at home and display common behavior, children will emulate both the mother and the father,” he stated.
“The Trust Relationship Creates Attachment”
Tarhan, stating that the most important psychological need for humans is the need for attachment, said; “The father is the child’s hero until the age of 10. The father lays the foundation for the child’s basic personality. This hero is sometimes a grandfather, maternal uncle, or paternal uncle. The child identifies with people with whom they form close and warm relationships, and these form the framework of their personality. If a father’s words don’t match his actions, if the mother is different and the father is different, there is no bond of trust. If a bond of trust is formed, the child models it, which is why the trust relationship is very important here. The trust relationship between mother and child, and father and child, creates attachment. The most important psychological need for humans is the need for attachment. If a child doesn’t bond with their parents, and if there is no object to bond with in childhood and no model for it, they will bond with substances, television, or social media,” he stated.
“Love and Trust Are Intertwined…”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, speaking about the importance of emotional stabilization in parents, emphasized that if wrong seeds are sown in a child’s developing soul, the wrong character will develop. Tarhan said; “Children get trust from their fathers and love from their mothers. Love and trust are intertwined. If there is discipline with love, trust is formed. If the father has emotional stabilization, meaning he is sad when he should be sad, angry when he should be angry, happy when he should be happy, peaceful when he should be peaceful – if he is a balanced person, the child learns a balanced relationship. If both the mother and father are unstable, insensitivity and imbalance develop in the child. If a child is behaving wrongly towards you, question your past, because children are born completely innocent. They are born with tremendous talent and inclinations. While they can acquire many skills, if we sow wrong seeds in their souls, the wrong character develops. If a child has emotional instability, there is certainly emotional instability in that family’s past,” he stated.
“Parenthood Does Not Mean Establishing a Top-Down Relationship”
Tarhan, stating that every event in life should be turned into an opportunity to teach the child, said; “One should think about how to turn every event in life into an opportunity to raise my child well. A newspaper event, a television event, daily events, everything should be considered how to turn it into an opportunity for my child to learn well, correctly, and beautifully. It is best to analyze together without turning it into a lecture or a sermon… Parenthood does not mean establishing a top-down relationship. Motherhood and fatherhood mean being life companions. When you are life companions, you journey together, share together, grieve together, rejoice together…” he said.
“Children Are Like Bees, They Roam Everywhere and Create Their Own Honey”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating that raising a child is similar to teaching swimming, said that children should be given the right to make mistakes during adolescence. Tarhan said; “Adolescents, during adolescence, ask questions like, ‘Who am I? Where should I go?’ It is the period when they learn their cultural identity, social identity, religious identity, ethnic identity, sexual identity, everything. During adolescence, a child wants to be with their friends more than with their family or parents. They are more open to external influences. If the child’s family bonds are strong, they will go out, compare with the family, and gladly return to that peaceful home. In a warm environment, they see their mistakes and find their truths. Children are like bees; they roam everywhere and create their own honey. This opportunity needs to be given to them. Actually, raising a child is somewhat likened to teaching swimming. While teaching swimming, one is careful not to let them drown, but also gives them some freedom. If you always hold them, they cannot learn to swim; if you never stand by them, they will drown. We will give them some freedom and allow them the right to make mistakes. Let’s grant them the right to make mistakes during adolescence. Because adolescence is a stormy period. They will make mistakes, but they should be able to come and discuss these mistakes, these wrongs. But if the father is unapproachable, a frightening father, meaning everyone runs away when the father comes home, then he is not a good father. The father must sow his image correctly into the child’s imagination,” he stated.