Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan was the guest of the “Physician Talks” meetings organized monthly by Turkey Hospital. In the meeting, attended by physicians on duty as well as administrative managers and employees, Tarhan made remarkable statements. Emphasizing the importance of the balance of purpose, need, desire, and action in success, Tarhan touched upon the recent increase in divorces. Stating that single-person households are increasing like rockets today, Tarhan noted that the biggest enemies of marriage are stubbornness, the egoism and selfishness behind stubbornness, and people who cannot change themselves and have rigid thinking. Underlining the importance of childhood, Tarhan added that a person's homeland is childhood.
“Suleiman the Magnificent’s most important work was to do everything procedurally”
In the meeting moderated by Internal Medicine Specialist Prof. Dr. Mesut Başak at Turkey Hospital Conference Hall, Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, upon a question, talked about how he turned his family tree into a book. Tarhan; “At that time, there was a 9-meter family tree on the roof. I took it and wondered if it was a memento or if there was proof, if there was a connection to the family tree. There were some rumors, but they needed to be proven. To prove this, I preserved it. There are a few people in Turkey specialized in this family tree. We researched, and had it translated. In its time, a ministry called Nakîbü'l-eşrâf was established. That ministry was established, and at that time, family trees were renewed, and all their official records were taken. I learned there why Suleiman the Magnificent was called Kanuni (the Lawgiver). It's similar to how we call things quality standards now. Kanuni's most important work was to make everything procedural and to base everything on laws and rules for the continuation of the empire. He put everything under quality. The Ottoman archives are amazing for that. I had the family tree examined. Topkapı Palace took it, examined it, and provided a written report as a cultural asset. As a cultural asset, its export was banned, and it was placed under protection. The Istanbul Mufti's Office has Nakîbü'l-eşrâf registers there. Connections were found from those registers. The records in the register are definitive records. Even land registry records were checked many times, connections were established, and when it was proven in that way, I turned it into a book.” he stated.
The balance of purpose, need, desire, and action in success…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, who also answered questions from the participants, emphasized that for a person to have motivation, they must have a purpose. Tarhan; “In our time, the characteristic of older generations was to try to survive in scarcity. Current generations are trying to exist amidst abundance. This is the hardest part; why should they work when they have everything? For a person to have motivation, they must have a purpose. If they have a purpose, they feel a need; if they feel a need, desire awakens; if desire awakens, they motivate themselves to act.” he said.
She was a helicopter mom, became a drone mom…
In the program with high participation, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan underlined that excessive control has been added to the trauma meter with the new revision, stating, “We use a childhood trauma meter, which we apply in almost 90 out of 100 psychiatry cases. Is there neglect, abuse in the child, is there physical neglect, emotional neglect, and also sexual abuse? We look at that. There were five parameters. In the new revision, excessive control has also been added as neglect and abuse towards the child. There are excessively controlling, interfering families; we used to call them helicopter parents, now we call them drone parents. An invasive mother, meaning the child enters the toilet, she knocks on the door and asks, 'What are you doing in there?'… The current new version of mothers who approach the child with such a controlling attitude is considered a traumatic experience for the child. It's like interfering with every minute of the child's life.” he said.
“A person's homeland is childhood”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, emphasizing the crucial importance of family attitude and personality during childhood; “A person's homeland is childhood. Experiences during childhood are also the homeland of our personality. If that period in our brain passed happily, it remains with such beautiful memories. The opposite happens for those who had a bad childhood. The most fundamental first building block for a good childhood is the family. In an environment where the family disintegrates, neither culture, nor homeland, nor humanity remains. If you want to break up a society, don't confront that society; for example, if you have a sack of apples and you can't carry it, it's enough to put one rotten apple into that sack. After a while, the owner of that apple will discard it because it starts to rot. Those who want to make the world a single Hollywood culture by destroying and dissolving family and education are doing this as a project. It is useful to know this. Therefore, family is very important during childhood. The attitude and personality of the mother and father are very important.” he said.
“Single-person households are increasing like rockets”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, drawing attention to household fragility studies; “In household fragility studies, five-person households are considered strong households because the number of single-person households is increasing. In Turkey, parallel to the world, household fragility between the 2000s and 2020s shows that while the marriage rate increases by 1-2 percent, the divorce rate increases by 53 percent, single-person households are increasing like rockets, and five-person households are decreasing. So, statistically, it is like this. If you want to predict the future, you need to make statistics and calculations related to the past. Statistics related to the past shed light on the future. According to current probability calculations, if the marriage and divorce rates in Turkey continue at the same pace, in 20-30 years, Turkey will be like Sweden and Norway in terms of family life. The out-of-wedlock birth rate in Turkey is currently 2.9 percent. It is 56 percent in Sweden and Norway, 59 percent in France, 69 percent in Iceland, and 54 percent in England. This means one out of every two children born is born out of wedlock. When you look at the current statistics in Turkey, divorces in marriages will be like this in 20-30 years. When this happens, we will become a disintegrating society,” he stated.
“If love is water, respect is its container”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, drawing attention to the 5S rule that keeps the family together; “First is love, but love alone is not enough; there is a greater form of love: unconditional love, compassion… If love is water, respect is its container. If there is no container, the water flows away. Second is respect, and there is something higher than that: courtesy. Sometimes people show respect out of fear, but that's not it; courtesy is respect shown not to hurt or upset the other person. In one, you show respect because you are afraid, in the other, you show it not to hurt or upset. A child would be sad if they saw their mother or father's face fall. This is not out of fear but out of love. It is the fear of losing their love. The fear of God is similar. It is the fear of losing God's love. After love and respect in the family, the third is loyalty. So, loyalty also has an etymological equivalent in our culture. One is 'sıdk', meaning truthfulness, and the second is commitment to loyalty. There is no commitment without truthfulness. Therefore, “marriage + good cooperation = trust” is formed. For good cooperation to form, there must be love plus honesty. If there is love plus honesty, it becomes an open, transparent, and accountable relationship. We used to call homes "nests of love"; now we call them "nests of trust." The family should be a refuge. Fourth is patience. This is what young people need most right now. Patience is not withdrawing and waiting, or enduring. Patience is conforming to the speed and rhythm of nature; that is, patience is not sitting and waiting or saying "ya sabır" (Oh, patience) but actively being patient. What causes intelligent people to make mistakes right now is their haste and impatience. The fifth S is sincerity. The 5S are very important in a family. Being open and sincere. It is absolutely necessary to establish an open, sincere, and honest relationship with the person you marry. This cannot happen without a foundation of honesty. For trust to form in the family, there must absolutely be no lies.” he stated.
“The biggest enemies of marriage are people who cannot change themselves, who have rigid thinking”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, stating that life events experienced in childhood are what develop a person; “Even in our personality, there are clichés, mottos that guide us, thrown into our brains like a plaque. Therefore, our experiences in childhood are very important. Children do not understand from lectures or advice; they learn through experiences, through life events. We all have life scripts learned in childhood, and there are actors in your life script. Mother, father, elder sister, aunt, all are actors... A person marries with those life scripts, and after marriage, other people enter their life. That person can no longer continue with the life script learned in childhood; they need to rewrite their life script because new actors have entered their life. If you say, "I continue my same life script by ignoring my own actors," you cannot sustain the marriage. The biggest enemies of marriage are people who cannot change themselves, who have rigid thinking. The biggest enemy of marriage is stubbornness; behind stubbornness are egoism and selfishness. The biggest reason for the increasing separation in marriage is people being self-centered. Especially the new generations do not want to make any sacrifices; they always want the world to revolve around them; such a generation is coming. In such a world, such a generation is coming, and this is a sign of social collapse. Here, the culture that protects its own domain will survive; global culture teaches this. If we protect our own culture, we will survive.” he said.