Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, was the guest of the “Doctor Talks” meetings organized monthly by Türkiye Hospital. At the meeting, which was attended by doctors on duty at the hospital, as well as administrative managers and employees, Tarhan made striking remarks. Emphasizing the importance of the balance between purpose, need, desire, and action in success, Tarhan touched upon the increasing divorce rates in recent times. Stating that single-person households are increasing like rockets today, Tarhan noted that the biggest enemies of marriage are stubbornness, the egoism and selfishness behind stubbornness, and individuals who cannot change themselves and have rigid thinking. Underlining the importance of childhood, Tarhan added that a person's homeland is childhood.
“Suleiman the Magnificent's most important task was to do everything procedurally”
At the meeting held in the Türkiye Hospital Conference Hall, moderated by Internal Medicine Specialist Prof. Dr. Mesut Başak, Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, upon a question, spoke about how he compiled his family tree into a book. Tarhan said; “At that time, there was a 9-meter family tree on the roof. I took it and wondered if it was a memento or if there was proof, if there was a connection to the family tree. There were some rumors, but they needed to be proven. To prove this, I preserved it. There are a few people in Turkey specialized in this family tree matter. We researched and had it translated. In its time, a ministry called Nakîbü'l - eşrâf was established. That ministry was established, and at that date, the family trees were renewed, and all of them were officially recorded. I learned there why Suleiman the Magnificent was called Kanuni (the Lawgiver). Just as we talk about quality standards today, it was like that. Suleiman the Magnificent’s most important work was to make everything procedural and to base everything on laws and rules for the continuation of the empire. He put everything under quality. The Ottoman archives are tremendous for this reason. I had the family tree examined. Topkapi Palace took it, examined it, and gave a written report as a cultural asset. Its export abroad was forbidden as a cultural asset, and it was put under protection. The Istanbul Mufti's Office has Nakîbü'l - eşrâf registers. Connections were found from those registers. The records in the register are definitive records. Even land registry records were consulted many times, connections were established, and once it was proven that way, I turned it into a book.”
Balance of purpose, need, desire, and action in success…
Answering participants' questions, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that for a person to be motivated, they must have a purpose. Tarhan said; “In our time, the characteristic of older generations was to try to survive in scarcity. Current generations are trying to exist in abundance. This is the hardest part; why would they work when they have everything? For a person to be motivated, they must have a purpose. If they have a purpose, they feel a need; if they feel a need, a desire awakens; if a desire awakens, they motivate themselves to act.”
She was a helicopter mom, became a drone mom…
In the program with high participation, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan underlined that with the new revision in the trauma scale, over-control has been added, stating, “In almost 90 out of 100 psychiatry cases, we apply a childhood trauma scale. We check if there is neglect, abuse, physical neglect/abuse, emotional neglect/abuse, and sexual abuse in the child. There were five parameters. In the new revision, over-control has also been added as neglect and abuse towards the child. You know there are overly controlling, intrusive families; we used to call them helicopter moms, now we call them drone moms. An invasive mom, meaning the child goes to the toilet, she knocks on the door and asks what are you doing in there… The current new version of mothers who approach the child with such a degree of control is considered a traumatic experience for the child. It's like interfering with every minute of the child's life.”
“A person's homeland is childhood”
Emphasizing that the family's attitude and personality are very important during childhood, Prof. Dr. Tarhan said; “A person's homeland is childhood. Experiences during childhood are also the homeland of our personality. If that period in our brain passed happily, it remains with such beautiful memories. The opposite happens for those who had a bad childhood. The most fundamental building block for a good childhood is the family. In an environment where the family disintegrates, neither culture, nor homeland, nor human beings remain. If you want to break up a society, don't confront it; for example, if you have a sack of apples and can't carry it, it's enough to put one rotten apple inside. After a while, the owner of that apple will discard it because it starts to rot. Those who want to turn the world into a single culture as Hollywood culture by disrupting and dismantling family and education are doing this as a project. It is useful to know this. That's why family is very important during childhood. The attitude and personality of the mother and father are very important.”
“Single-person households are increasing like rockets”
Drawing attention to household fragility studies, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said; “In household fragility studies, five-person households are considered strong households because the number of single-person households is increasing. In Turkey, parallel to the world, in the difference between the 2000s and 2020s, while the marriage rate increases by 1-2 percent, the divorce rate increases by 53 percent, and single-person households are increasing like rockets, while five-person households are decreasing. So, statistically, it's like this. If you want to predict the future, you need to make statistics and calculations related to the past. Statistics related to the past shed light on the future. According to current probability calculations, if the marriage and divorce rates in Turkey continue at the same pace, in 20-30 years, Turkey will be like Sweden and Norway in terms of family life. The out-of-wedlock birth rate in Turkey is currently 2.9 percent. In Sweden and Norway, it is 56 percent, in France 59 percent, in Iceland 69 percent, and in England 54 percent. This means one out of every two children born is born out of wedlock. If you look at the current statistics in Turkey, divorce rates in marriages will be like this in 20-30 years. When this happens, we will become a disintegrating society.”
“If love is water, respect is like its container”
Drawing attention to the 5S rule that keeps families together, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said; “The first is love, but love alone is not enough; there is something greater than love: unconditional love, compassion… If love is water, respect is like its container. If there is no container, the water flows away. The second is respect, and above that is courtesy. Sometimes people show respect out of fear, but that's not it; courtesy is respect shown not to hurt or upset the other person. In one, you show respect because you are afraid; in the other, you show respect not to hurt or upset. A child would be sad if they saw their parents' faces fall. This is not out of fear, but out of love. It is the fear of losing their love. The fear of God is similar. It is the fear of losing God’s love. After love and respect in the family, the third is loyalty. So, loyalty also has an etymological equivalent in our culture. One is ‘sıdk’, which means truthfulness, and the second is commitment to loyalty. There is no commitment without truthfulness. That’s why “marriage + good cooperation = trust” is formed. For good cooperation to form, there must certainly be love plus honesty. If there is love plus honesty, it becomes an open, transparent, accountable relationship. We used to call homes ‘nests of love’; now we call them ‘nests of trust’. The family must be a sanctuary. The fourth is patience. This is what today's youth need most. Patience is not withdrawing and waiting, or enduring. Patience is conforming to the speed and rhythm of nature; that is, patience is not sitting and waiting or merely saying 'ya sabır', but actively being patient. What makes intelligent people make mistakes today is being hasty and impatient. The fifth S is sincerity. The 5S is very important in the family. Being open and sincere. It is necessary to be able to establish an open, sincere, honest relationship with the person you marry. This cannot happen without a foundation of honesty. For trust to form in the family, there must certainly be no lies.”
“The biggest enemies of marriage are individuals who cannot change themselves and have rigid thinking”
Stating that life events experienced in childhood are things that develop a person, Prof. Dr. Tarhan said; “Even in our personality, there are clichés, mottos that guide us, thrown into our brain like a plaque. That’s why our experiences during childhood are very important. Children don't learn from conferences or advice; they learn through experiences, through life events. We all have life scripts learned in our childhood, and there are actors in our life script. Mother, father, sister, aunt, all are actors... A person gets married with those life scripts, and after marriage, other people also enter their life. That person can no longer continue with the life script learned in childhood; they need to rewrite their life script because new actors have entered their life. If you say I will continue my same life script by disregarding your own actors, you cannot sustain the marriage. The biggest enemies of marriage are individuals who cannot change themselves and have rigid thinking. The biggest enemy of marriage is stubbornness, and behind stubbornness are egoism and selfishness. The biggest reason for the increase in separations in marriage is people being self-centered. Especially the new generations do not want to make any sacrifices; they always want the world to revolve around them; such a generation is coming. In such a world, such a generation is coming, and this is a sign of social collapse. Here, the culture that protects its own space will survive; global culture teaches this. If we protect our own culture, we will survive.”
