Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, was the guest of the 'Being a Conscious Family' event, organized under the leadership of Antalya ENVAR schools with the support of 5 other schools from different cities. Tarhan stated that the primary educational environment for children is the home and family, reminding of the importance of providing love and discipline in a balanced way. Tarhan also pointed out the necessity for children to feel both a part of the family and free when they reach adolescence.
Participants showed great interest in the online event moderated by Nurbanu Coşkun.
“The primary educational environment that can raise a child well is home and family”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated in the interview program, which saw intensive participation, that babies are born neuropsychologically premature; “For example, a duck can swim as soon as it hatches from an egg. A foal can walk as soon as it is born, but humans walk at 1 year old and start distinguishing between good and bad at 15, there is such a process. If a person cannot be a family, does not have parents, or cannot receive good care, that person can become someone who deviates from humanity. They can turn into a criminal. Therefore, there are no bad people, only people pushed into evil. There are no guilty children, only children pushed into crime. For adults too, one should think that there are no bad people, only people pushed into badness. That's why the child's first school here is their home and family. Building a factory is very beneficial, building a bridge, making roads is very important, but raising a human being is even more important. There is a beautiful Chinese proverb that says, 'If you want a one-year crop, plant wheat; if you want a ten-year crop, plant trees; if you want a hundred-year crop, raise people.' The greatest capital is human capital; if not raised well, other efforts lose their meaning. For this reason, the primary educational environment that can raise a child well is the home and family. In such situations, if the family is healthy, the child can grow up healthy.” he said.
“Love and discipline must be given in a balanced way...”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan pointed out that for a child growing up in an environment with rules, dreams, sweet discipline, and love, that home becomes a sanctuary; “A safe and warm home environment makes the child feel that life is safe. The child begins to explore in life. They explore their surroundings, themselves, and in this way, they start to progress rapidly in life. If it's a safe environment, they learn about life. Here, love and discipline should be given to the child in a balanced way. This only happens in a family environment. If you want to enter a child's mind, you must first enter their heart. As an educator and a teacher, if you want a child to love and study a subject, a teacher should first think about how to make the child love the subject. This is the biggest formula for all educators. If the child loves the subject, they study it well. When a child loves the teacher, they also love the subject. The teacher also needs to love the student. The relationship here succeeds if it is stable, consistent, and continuous. Just as snow settles if it falls slowly and continuously, so does discipline... And advice too… It settles if it falls slowly and regularly. Therefore, for a child growing up in an environment with rules, dreams, sweet discipline, and love, that home becomes a sanctuary.” he explained.
“Many cultures will disappear in the world in 50 years”
In the program where questions were also taken from participants, Prof. Dr. Tarhan emphasized the necessity of protecting the family, which is currently the last refuge for the salvation of society; “There were social norms protecting society. There were neighborhoods, friendships... Now there is a very fast life, a fast pace of living. In such an environment, social norms protecting society have deteriorated. Think of a city, the outer fortress has been destroyed, there is an inner fortress, the place of resistance protecting it is the inner fortress, and that inner fortress is the family. That is why we call the family the last refuge. Currently, to save society, we must protect the family, the last refuge. If we do not protect the family, when the family disintegrates, many cultures will disappear in the world in 50 years. Currently, Hollywood culture is influencing the world with voluntary imperialism. Hollywood culture itself has started to see the damage of this.” he said.
“True freedom is being free against oneself”
Tarhan stated that true freedom is being able to say no to wrong emotions within oneself; “True freedom is being free against oneself. The first victory a young person will achieve is the victory against tempting emotions directed at themselves. Here, a life guide is needed, both in the family and in school... Our social norms previously protected the family, and our traditions and family carried out cultural transmission, but nowadays, especially after the 2000s, the family has stopped doing cultural transmission. Media currently handles cultural rights.” he expressed.
“Our culture is very skillful in protecting the family”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, stating that modernism has transformed marriage into a competitive relationship; “Our culture is a very skillful culture in protecting the family. Because we don't call the relationship between a man and a woman a 'couple,' we don't say 'spouse.' Couple therapy, spouse therapy came later. They are called 'refik' and 'refika.' Refik means male travel companion, and refika means female travel companion. In other words, it sees marriage as a journey through life. People who embark on a life journey do not compete with each other, do not trip each other up, they support each other and try to reach the goal more easily. Modernism has transformed marriage, a complementary relationship, into a competitive one. That's why the philosophy of life has deteriorated, and our family is currently our last refuge. If we don't invest in this, it will become difficult to fix most things after 10 or 20 years. Therefore, we really need to stand firm on this issue.” he said.
“If love is water, respect is its vessel”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating that respect, wisdom, is kindness; “If love is water, respect is its vessel. If there is no respect, you cannot control love. There is a concept greater than respect, which is the wisdom of respect. That is called kindness. Because a person can show respect out of fear, but when there is kindness, you show respect out of the feeling of not wanting to hurt them. You show compassion because you don't want to hurt them, just like with compassion. I was very impressed when I read a Hadith, it says, if you want your children to obey you, be just towards them. If parents say their children do not obey them, there is undoubtedly an inequality of justice among the children.” he stated.
“A child should feel both free and part of the family”
Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of raising children with character as examples; “Behavior development should not just be about everyone getting full marks on report cards. It should truly be taught. The school should seriously use this as an educational outcome. It should aim for behavior change. For our children, raising children with character, raising moral children, raising children who are captains of their own ships, is no less important than feeding, watering, and clothing them. When a child reaches adolescence, they should feel both a part of the family and free.” he said.
“Good and evil, whichever part we feed, that one wins”
Tarhan reminded that parents are the ones who sow seeds in a child's developing soul; “If you sow good and beautiful seeds in their developing soul, the child will bear good and beautiful fruits in the future, but if we sow the seeds of bad, harmful, and thorny things, they will bear those fruits later. That's why the 0-6 age period is important, but also the seeds sown in a child's soul during early adolescence up to 10-12 years old become trees later. It's the same within us; there's a good part and a bad part, if we feed the good part within us, it wins; if we feed the bad part, it wins. This is also true in our family and our social relationships, so we need to know what we value and what we sanctify.” he said.
“A child takes their mother and father as role models while developing their identity”
Tarhan noted that adolescence is the period of a child's identity development and self-improvement; “While a child develops themselves and their identity, they take their mother and father as examples. They take things from all sides... They form their own identity. They choose information, examples, role models related to what they like most, and they adopt them accordingly. Social media currently has a very important priority in all cultural transmission. Technology is very important; completely banning it from a young age backfires on the child. If parents use it wisely and in a balanced way, the child also learns to use it in a balanced way.” he expressed.
“What high-ego people lose most is missing many learning opportunities”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, speaking about the importance of the slogan 'Love, value, and share' in relationships with children; “When you do this, a secure relationship is formed. When you have a secure relationship, they take you as a role model and question you if necessary. Some things are reciprocal. People should always be open to learning. Believe me, learning never ends until the last breath in life. What high-ego people lose most is missing many learning opportunities. For example, some people's lives are governed by fears, not facts. What people who act with fear lose most are opportunities. They miss many opportunities because of fear. That's why we need to know ourselves, learn our strengths and weaknesses, and be open to change so that we can fulfill our roles as mothers and fathers.” he stated.
“Children take three things as examples: Mother, father, and the mother-father relationship”
Continuing his speech with an example from Ibn Khaldun, Tarhan said, “They asked Ibn Khaldun, ‘What should we do to educate our children well?’ and he replied, ‘You don't need to do anything special to educate your children well. If you set a good example, your children will also be good.’ Therefore, there is something more important than being a good businessman: being a good father. There is something more important than being a good businesswoman: being a good mother and a good spouse. Children take three things as examples: The mother, the father, and the mother-father relationship... If this relationship is good, children do not have fears about marriage in life, nor fears about the future. There can be problems at home, arguments, and sometimes voices may rise, of course, that will happen, but after it happens, they will show that it passed and resolved, and they will learn about life. Because the realities of life are different. Being a good parent does not mean making the child happy, it means preparing the child for life. Life has a rule that it gives its rewards to those who endure. Therefore, one of the most important family values is perseverance, meaning resilience training. The concept of patience, but active patience, not withdrawing and waiting. Patience that involves action, goal-oriented patience. When this happens, the child also learns the skill of delaying gratification. They receive resilience training and gain psychological robustness. A resilient child, one who seeks challenges and creates solutions to reach their desired goal, emerges.” he said.