Noting that some men, despite appearing educated, career-driven, and successful externally, can still perpetrate violence against their wives, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “This situation should not only be evaluated as ‘male violence’ but also, in a general sense, as ‘the powerful oppressing the weak.’”
Referring to the situation dubbed the “Nordic paradox,” Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated, “This concept refers to the fact that violence against women is still observed at high rates in countries leading the world in gender equality, such as the Scandinavian countries. These countries have made great progress by implementing legal regulations on gender equality, especially since the 1960s. However, in Sweden today, 2-3 women still die each month due to partner violence.”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan expressed that this situation indicates that violence against women cannot be explained solely by gender equality. He added that according to research conducted in European Union countries, the rate of women experiencing partner violence at least once in their lifetime is around 22 percent as the European average, 28 percent in Scandinavian countries, and 33 percent in Turkey.
Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, evaluated the increasing violence against women and women's psychology, on the occasion of November 25, International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.
Women and men are not biologically equal
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that understanding the biological and psychological differences between women and men is crucial for a healthy comprehension of this issue. He said, “First and foremost, women and men are not biologically equal. However, in a social sense, they must be equal in terms of rights and opportunities. Making this distinction clear is important. The claim of biological equality is not scientifically realistic. While an average of 4 liters of blood circulates in a woman’s body, this amount is approximately 6 liters in men. Even this difference alone shows that there is no equality in terms of physical strength and performance. Therefore, the concept of ‘equality’ can lead to wrong expectations here. Women and men also differ in terms of brain functions. The female brain is stronger in terms of empathy skills compared to the male brain. This difference can be observed even at a young age. When a child falls in kindergarten, boys continue to play, while girls tend to help. So, this is an important example showing that the inclination to empathy is innate.”
Female and male brains also work differently in terms of problem-solving styles
“Female and male brains also work differently in terms of problem-solving styles. While men withdraw and seek solutions alone when under stress, women feel the need to relieve themselves by sharing and talking,” said Prof. Dr. Tarhan, continuing:
“This situation sometimes leads to misunderstandings. Men may remain silent ‘while trying to solve the problem within themselves.’ Women, on the other hand, may be thought to talk too much because they are ‘seeking solutions by communicating.’ However, this is the result of different stress management styles. If individuals are mature and sensitive to each other’s approach, a balance can be established between these differences. The left hemisphere of the brain is more concerned with functions such as logic, reasoning, analysis, calculation, and speech; while the right hemisphere is associated with areas such as emotions, intuition, art, and aesthetics. The left brain is more masculine; the right brain has more feminine characteristics. The prefrontal cortex, however, provides a balance between these two hemispheres. If an individual cannot establish this balance, they may remain either excessively rational or excessively emotional. Therefore, for a healthy decision-making process, the frontal region of the brain must function well.”
There are also significant differences between women and men in terms of sexuality
Prof. Dr. Tarhan noted that biological differences are not limited to the brain. He said, “There are also significant differences between women and men in terms of emotional orientations and sexuality. The male brain works more focused on eroticism, while the female brain is focused on romance. This difference manifests itself, for example, in short-term relationships. While a man can continue his life without establishing an emotional bond after a relationship, a woman – even if she knows there are no expectations – may expect an emotional response, may expect a phone call. This situation is also supported by research.”
The women’s liberation movement turned into a women-men struggle
Explaining that patriarchy, or patriarchal culture, dominated human history for a long time, Prof. Dr. Tarhan said, “In the 1960s, especially after World War II, the women’s liberation movement rose worldwide. At the beginning of this movement, very important gains were made towards eliminating gender inequalities. However, after a while, this movement lost its direction in some areas and turned into a women-men struggle. This negatively affected the institution of marriage and the social structure on a global scale.”
Women should be a ‘wise woman,’ not a ‘sad princess’
Recalling that a feminist activist writer said, “A woman’s comfort is in a woman who has a loyal husband and her own bank account,” Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated:
“A woman should have both economic independence and a husband she can trust. Social roles have also been shaped based on biological and environmental foundations. However, social conditions have largely changed in the 20th and 21st centuries. These old roles have now lost their function. Today, there is a new social reality. In this new era, women must exist not only with their ‘femininity’ but also with their ‘personality.’ Women should be a ‘wise woman,’ not a ‘sad princess.’ When women realize their own strength in this way, women-men relationships can proceed in a healthier manner.”
We must build a new social understanding
Prof. Dr. Tarhan also pointed out that the roles of “manhood,” “womanhood,” “motherhood,” “fatherhood,” and “spouse,” shaped by the patriarchal order, must now be rewritten according to the truths of this new era. He said, “We must build a new tradition, a new social understanding. Old patterns and discourses that legitimize violence and male dominance, such as ‘I saw it this way from my father’ or ‘if I hit, I’ll put them in their place,’ must now lose their validity. Likewise, sayings like ‘he who doesn’t beat his daughter will beat his knee’ are a reflection of sexist and violence-oriented cultural codes. The still prevalent understanding in society that ‘men do not obey women, but women must obey men’ is also wrong. Obedience applies to both sides, and loyalty applies to both sides.”
Where there is no trust, marriage breaks at its weakest point
Prof. Dr. Tarhan noted that marriage used to be called a “nest of love,” but now the correct definition is a “nest of trust.” He said, “Because where there is no trust, marriage breaks at its weakest point. The female brain, being stronger in empathy, also has a high tendency for self-sacrifice. This makes her the side that tries harder in relationships. Generally, after having children, the woman turns to the child, and the man to work. This weakens the emotional bond between them. Marriage is like a fire: if you get too close, it burns you; if you get too far, it goes out. Therefore, it is necessary to keep the distance balanced and constantly nourish the relationship. Couples should focus not on an ‘ego war’ but on ways to be ‘us.’ ‘Being ‘us’ while remaining ‘me’’ is the healthiest form of relationship. Because true commitment is possible by building a common life without losing one’s individuality. Thus, the relationship does not turn into a master-slave model.”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan also stated that leaving child education solely to the mother creates a problem. He explained that both mother and father should bear equal responsibility in child development, and women, whether working or not, are usually held responsible for housework and childcare, which increases their burden.
Not male violence, but the powerful oppressing the weak is at play…
Prof. Dr. Tarhan noted that some men, despite appearing educated, career-driven, and successful externally, can still perpetrate violence against their wives. He said, “This situation should not only be evaluated as ‘male violence’ but also, in a general sense, as ‘the powerful oppressing the weak.’ Because these individuals are usually raised in childhood with an egocentric approach, with the idea of ‘standing on their own two feet.’ Even if this upbringing is given with good intentions, it reinforces the child’s belief that ‘everything must be as I want it.’ This is an important factor that increases the tendency for violence in marriage. Violent behavior is often reduced to merely alcohol or anger control disorder. However, the real root lies in personality structure. In individuals prone to violence, especially narcissistic or antisocial personality traits come to the forefront. These individuals define themselves as ‘good, right, perfect’ and perceive criticism as a direct attack. Particularly a ‘no’ or opposition from their partners threatens their ego. In this case, the relationship ceases to be an equal partnership and turns into a ‘slave-master’ dynamic.”
What lies at the root of violence?
Prof. Dr. Tarhan also explained that some people use anger as a problem-solving method, and even as a means of gaining status. He said, “These individuals, because they see themselves as powerful, consider it legitimate to oppress the weak. This is literally a ‘law of the jungle’ mentality. In the jungle, the strong wins; the lion is king. An individual acting with this mentality within the home imposes their own power. When a woman tries to retaliate in such an environment — by shouting or throwing things in the same way — she becomes the harmed party because she is not physically equal. Because in the law of the jungle, the weak are destined to be oppressed. Therefore, responding to violence with the same method can put the woman in an even weaker position. For this reason, the root of violence lies not only in individual pathologies but also in learned behaviors, cultural codes, and wrong parenting styles.”
What does the “Nordic paradox” tell us?
Prof. Dr. Tarhan also referred to the situation called the “Nordic paradox.” He said, “This concept refers to the fact that violence against women is still observed at high rates in countries leading the world in gender equality, such as the Scandinavian countries. These countries have made great progress by implementing legal regulations on gender equality, especially since the 1960s. However, in Sweden today, 2-3 women still die each month due to partner violence. In Turkey, this number is around 30-40 murders per month. Yet, 20 years ago, this rate was 1-2 women per month. That is, according to 2023 statistics, femicides in Turkey have increased approximately 10-fold. When we look at it proportionally to the population, considering that Sweden has 10 million and Turkey approximately 80 million, the numbers are at similar levels. This shows that violence against women cannot be explained solely by gender equality.”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that according to research conducted in European Union countries, the rate of women experiencing partner violence at least once in their lifetime is around 22 percent as the European average, 28 percent in Scandinavian countries, and 33 percent in Turkey.
If a man has physical strength, a woman’s strength is her ability to think and strategize
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that if a man has physical strength, a woman’s powerful tool is her ability to think and strategize. He said, “However, this strategy should not be in the form of crying or emotional manipulation. Because when a woman cries, a violence-prone man may be inclined to further oppress this weakness. Therefore, instead of crying, a strategic and thoughtful approach should be preferred. In such a situation, the woman should say, ‘You are very angry right now. I do not see you as your true self at the moment. I am making a note of this behavior, but I will not respond to you right now. Because what you are doing is not right.’ This approach engages the other party’s thinking brain. So, it is necessary to act strategically here. It is important to recognize and effectively use one’s strengths. If a man feels that his anger affects the other person and controls them, he will continue to use that power. For this reason, a woman should carefully observe what aspects affect her partner.”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that lack of empathy is the biggest enemy of relationships today and said that if both sides take a step back in case of conflict in marriage, they can meet halfway.
Violence should not be internalized as a problem-solving, right-seeking, or communication method
Prof. Dr. Tarhan noted that when looking at victims of violence, most are seen to have witnessed or been subjected to violence in childhood. He said, “In the families where these individuals grew up, violence was internalized as a problem-solving, right-seeking, and even a communication method. Therefore, violence seems normal and familiar to them. Girls who grow up in these conditions usually go in two different directions. Those with a strong sense of autonomy do not want to marry, get an education to protect themselves, and want to have a profession. Those encouraged by their families are motivated with phrases like, ‘You should have a profession, a bracelet [meaning financial security/skill]. If you make a bad marriage, you should be able to stand on your own two feet.’”
Regret is also common in violent relationships
Prof. Dr. Tarhan also stated that violence can become learned helplessness. He said, “The person accepts violence as fate, perceives it as helplessness or even a sign of love. However, this is a sign of deep weakness and fragility. For this learned helplessness to be overcome, the individual must have developed a sense of autonomy. Especially young girls, at the beginning of marriage, express their sensitivity to these issues and state that they will definitely not tolerate violence. Regret is also common in violent relationships. Especially in incidents of violence occurring under the influence of alcohol, the individual may experience intense regret after the effects of alcohol wear off. However, this regret often has no healing effect, because once violence becomes a method, the relationship can no longer continue in a healthy way from that point.”
Boundaries must be clearly drawn at the first instance of violence
Prof. Dr. Tarhan explained that tolerating and forgiving violence in a relationship can happen once, but after that, it becomes unforgivable. He said, “Because at this point, adopting the role of a victim means paving the way for violence. Therefore, a marriage intention agreement to be made at the beginning of the marriage, or a marriage maturity scale that couples will evaluate together, is important for openly discussing such issues beforehand. If someone sees violence as a problem-solving method in marriage, this person does not already possess marriage maturity. One should either not marry such a person, or if married, boundaries should be clearly drawn at the first instance of violence.”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan emphasized that healthy marriages are possible through mutual respect and the protection of individual boundaries. He said, “This balance cannot be established in superficial relationships. Because in such relationships, the cement of the bond quickly runs out. However, long-term bonds can be established in deep, qualitative relationships.”
The biggest investment in marriage is the time spent together
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that the most important need in marriages is “spending quality time together,” adding, “If there is a quality relationship, trust is formed, people do not exaggerate small things. Problems are resolved in their natural flow. The biggest investment is the time allocated to each other.”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan said that women and men undertaking the same roles simultaneously causes “role confusion.” He said, “At home, both women and men should establish shared leadership by balancing their roles. A woman’s biological tendency is towards self-expression. A man’s response to visual stimuli is greater. A balanced system should be established in the institution of marriage, taking these differences into account.”
Approaches that destroy female and male identity are dangerous
Prof. Dr. Tarhan noted that the increasing gender equality and single-gender approaches in recent years harm the structure of marriage and identity. He said, “Gender equality should be in rights and opportunities; approaches that destroy female and male identity are dangerous. This is a social gamble. Genderlessness movements have reduced marriage to sexuality. This weakens marriage as an institution.”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan concluded his words by stating that the social order should define female and male roles as complementary. He said, “Female and male roles should be built on complementarity, not conflict. The balance of feminine and masculine energy is vital for both individual and societal health.”