The Psychology Club, operating under the Üsküdar University Department of Health, Culture and Sports (SKS), organized a symposium titled 'Love 101'. The symposium addressed the new generation dimensions of love, its physiological effects, interpersonal attraction mechanisms, and deep psychological truths related to love. Prof. Dr. Deniz Ülke Arıboğan, Specialist Dr. Mert Sinan Bingöl, Expert Clinical Psychologist Zehra Erol, and Assoc. Prof. Dr. Ömer Osmanoğlu, a faculty member of the Philosophy Department, participated in the symposium.
The symposium, held at Üsküdar University's South Campus Socrates Hall, attracted great interest from students.
Prof. Dr. Deniz Ülke Arıboğan: “We live in a world where romance has ended”
Prof. Dr. Deniz Ülke Arıboğan, Dean of the Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences at Üsküdar University, stating that in today's world, the magic within love has turned into a product; “The depth of each love and what each love will transform into is different. Therefore, these are not things that can be generalized, but love affects each of us because it is a product. A product of our minds. A need, just as we need a Creator, a belief. As they always say; ‘Love, loneliness, belong only to Allah.’ love is something that ends that loneliness. It is also a blessing given by Allah. The new spirit of capitalism, however, does not allow much of this. Just as we put everything into the format of a consumer society, it brings love to this point as well. Quickly consumed, experienced plurally, without limits, but without material limits, and very limited emotionally. Because from an emotional perspective, love is limitless. You cannot know how deep it will go, or how much it will transform. We think with different perspectives. It's something we've increasingly lowered below the waist with capitalism. It's actually a system where we confuse love with relationships that we started to define through sexuality, which we lowered to a more basic level. Ghosting, love bombing, there are all sorts of new things, aren't there? They introduce concept after concept into our lives, packaging them. They package love, just like everything else. We live in a world where romance has ended. They extract the magic from romance. The transition period from Homo sapiens to robot-sapiens, achieving perfection by purifying humans from certain inhuman emotions, this new philosophy of pain, you start this from childhood, for example, it erodes our values,” she said.
“We will long for natural foolishness”
Arıboğan emphasized that just as capitalism artificializes everything, the feeling of love also becomes artificial; “It makes this the new normal, the new value, and you cannot fight it. All of these, such as the obligation for people to stay thin, to stay young, are imposed as aesthetic values, and if you cannot achieve them, it makes you unhappy. Why should our noses be small? Why should they be like an inkwell? Valentine's Day advertisements, roses, rings compressed into a single day… Capitalism actually doesn't want relationships to age. It doesn't want anything to age. Throw away the excess, throw away what's broken, get a new one immediately. Getting a new one is already cheaper. Use and throw away, you'll use it until you lose it. When it breaks, throw it away, it's over; if you turn love into this, you've used it, the excitement is gone. Throw it away, we move on to the next. How immoral it is, etc., is not very important; we go for more prestige. We go for more fame. We go for what provides more opportunities for us. We go for the younger one. We go for the more sexually attractive one. We go for the more fashionable one, the one that aesthetically shapes capitalism. It's no different from the bag we use. With the post-industrial society, what is produced is humanity itself, human beings. Therefore, everything related to humans is artificially produced. It is not left in its natural state. That's why I unfortunately have to say that we are entering a period where we will long for natural foolishness instead of artificial intelligence,” she said.
Specialist Dr. Mert Sinan Bingöl: “Love is a relationship built over the long term”
Specialist Dr. Mert Sinan Bingöl, drawing attention to the fact that passionate love and affection are two different emotions; “This early-stage emotion we are talking about is fundamentally about ourselves. If we feel love in those first moments we meet someone, and the stronger we feel it, this indicates that we have equally strong needs. If it weren't so, no one would sacrifice themselves for someone they met an hour ago. You know the event in the movie Titanic, it's like this in many films too. They just met, they entered each other's lives an hour ago, and two hours later we see them perhaps in a great love, but actually there isn't a day's time frame there. The relationship dynamics they bring from their past cause them to feel such strong emotions in such a short time. In this context, if we compare it with affection, affection is a relationship built over the long term. As you get to know the person, if there is compatibility, it turns into affection; otherwise, it turns into hatred. Passionate love arises from our own needs, and therefore, in passionate love, the object is not very specific; you can feel an attraction to anyone. In this sense, however, for affection, the object is definitely defined. You know, you understand; if there is potential for affection, that's how you love. In this sense, we know that affection is sustainable. Affection is fundamentally the sustainer in relationships, while passionate love is the initiator. That is, it brings two people together, establishes the connection between them, completes its task; if the relationship proceeds, it turns into affection and continues. If it does not transform, it turns into emptiness and ends. In this sense, we see that affection is a more lasting and trusting emotion, a relationship. Passionate love is more partially under our control; fundamentally, what we need to do is this: start like the love of Psyche and Eros, and continue like Adile Naşit and Münir Özkul. The most fundamental thing here is not a passionate bond with constant 'my love, my dear' words, but a very lasting and strong trust, affection, sincerity towards each other, which is what we all seek in the long term. Our primary goal in relationship processes should be this,” he said.
“The first feature that attracts people's attention is physical appearance”
Bingöl, speaking about how men and women can attract each other with their outward appearance, said that the first feature that attracts people's attention is physical appearance. Bingöl; “The first thing that attracts our attention is physical appearance. Here, body symmetry and the concept of beauty are particularly important because, genetically, it leads the future of the species towards betterment, so it is very important in this initial stage. Furthermore, it has been observed that beauty and symmetry influence decisions in recruitments and court rulings. This also provides status to the individual; that is, thanks to this beauty, one gains a certain status. It elevates one's self-worth. For example, an average person elevates themselves when next to a beautiful and high-status person. According to scientific studies, what women look for in men is tall stature and, along with that, the waist-to-hip ratio. A waist-to-hip ratio of mostly 0.9 is said to be more ideal. Additionally, having an athletic and sharp face is among the most striking factors for women's attraction to men. What men pay attention to in women is a small waist-to-hip ratio, especially a ratio of 0.7; this data has been obtained independently of weight, meaning even if a woman is overweight, if she maintains this ratio, she can be attractive according to studies. Along with this comes a baby-like face; actually, a baby-like face is important in both genders as it symbolizes innocence in children, thus bringing attention further to the forefront in both men and women. Having a childlike face attracts both sexes. Men attach more importance to physical attraction,” he said.
Expert Clinical Psychologist Zehra Erol: “At first, we see the positive sides of the person in front of us”
Expert Clinical Psychologist Zehra Erol, stating that people in love idealize their partners and view every action of their partners positively; “The word 'love' is actually derived from the word 'desire'. Of course, in sessions, we mostly encounter its impulsive, emotional side. The feeling of love is both an instantaneous emotion and a long-term state of mind. Of course, it involves being conscious of the object of affection, which actually means excessive focus on that object of affection. When we talk about love, we are mostly referring to the early times of romantic love. We are talking about those enthusiastic times, but it is not just an emotion but a psychological package encompassing impulses, actions, thoughts, expectations, beliefs, and values. In fact, it is not possible to speak of a single dimension, and everyone's perception of love differs according to their own experiences and personal story. In daily life and in therapy, it always appears as a situation where the existence of the other is glorified. At first, we actually always see the positive sides, and because we see the positive sides, we don't dwell much on the object of our affection, that is, the person we are in love with, even if there are some things that bother us during that period. We find some reasons. For example, in sessions, people talking about the person they are in love with might say they are very caring, very friendly, they call me every day, but actually, when you don't ask and don't delve into it in detail, you realize there are some things they forgot to mention. Some of these are topics they don't want to dwell on because they focus on the positive during that period. For example, yes, they are very caring, very friendly, they meet with me sometimes, because it's new, but in the background, for example, they are still seeing their ex-partner; they know this but don't say it. In these early enthusiastic periods, even if the person sees positive things, they don't dwell on them. When this process continues, after a while, if the problems persist, they say, 'Why am I tolerating these?'” she said.
“Myths and cultures affect love”
Erol, addressing how every culture affects love differently; “I will talk about myths related to love. These frequently come up in our sessions. The first, and of course, the myth of happily ever after: we believe that if we put enough effort into looking valuable and being liked, even if we cannot achieve love ourselves, we can be liked by the person we like or are in love with. In fact, culture has a great share in this. Especially when raising girls, they are brought up with values like being the prettiest, being well-groomed, and doing everything they can, and you see this in most sessions. People raised with this perception, when they encounter problems, try to do their best, and even beyond, in a relationship, and they have an attitude of believing that a point will come when problems will decrease. This is a very common attitude in this culture. This used to be seen a lot in female partners, but now it is also seen in men in a different way. In recent times, men have a perception that if they are physically attractive enough and fun, they can be liked by a high-status woman. Another myth related to love is that love should happen spontaneously. The belief that two people should constantly be together from the very beginning. Of course, there are certain reasons for falling in love at first glance. We don't need to walk around like twins with the person we are in love with at all times. Everyone has their personal space, and in fact, when those boundaries exist at the beginning of a relationship, it gives us an idea of how that relationship will progress. There are some cultures where the concept of love, where spontaneous will does not come into play. Especially in Eastern cultures, love. It is considered a process where an individual dedicates themselves to the relationship. Pain becomes natural within love; this exists in our culture, but there is also a very rapid change. Over time, the perspective also changes, but the change between logical evolution, rational and reasonable aspects, and an emotional satellite does not run very parallel. In our emotional culture, we predominantly have a slightly higher awareness in the logical interpretation part of events, but I can say that our emotional and behavioral awareness is low,” she said.
Assoc. Prof. Dr. Ömer Osmanoğlu: “Attempting to approach love from a philosophical perspective contains a paradox within ourselves”
Assoc. Prof. Dr. Ömer Osmanoğlu, a faculty member of the Philosophy Department at Üsküdar University's Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences, drawing attention to the failure of philosophers regarding love, mentioned that philosophers mostly encountered the destructive aspects of love in their lives. Osmanoğlu; “Now I will try to take a philosophical look at love. That is, from a philosophical perspective, one must first look at love. It is necessary to address the different meanings and manifestations of love; indeed, the instructors before me tried to address the different dimensions of love. Perhaps mine will be a kind of return to the origin, a return to concepts and terms. Little seems to have remained from ancient times to the present about love, that is, in novels, TV series, songs, movies, fairy tales. We can find traces of love. However, we regrettably condone this magical word slipping away from our words and daily lives. Here, there are oppositions and contrasts between old loves and new loves. I don't want to be too disheartening by delving into this. I want to say something a bit more hopeful and within a philosophical framework concerning the origin. Attempting to approach love from a philosophical perspective contains a paradox within ourselves. What kind of paradox is this? As far as we can see, philosophers have been unsuccessful regarding love. That is, love has a very positive, productive, liberating, empowering dimension. And it also has a burning, destructive, wearing side. Philosophers in their lives have mostly encountered the destructive aspects of love. Some examples that come to mind are Socrates and his wife Xanthippe; Socrates' wife suffered greatly from him being a philosopher, from him wandering the streets and talking to people, meaning he didn't care much about his home. He constantly conducted inquiries into virtue and wisdom with people outside. In this sense, there are some stories told to us. Socrates says; 'Marry; if your wife is good, you will be happy, and if she is bad, you will become a philosopher,'” he said.
“At the core of our existence is to love or be loved”
Osmanoğlu, speaking about how people are born with an essence of love within them; “Love exists in our nature. We are all born with an essence of love. That is, at the core of our existence is to love or be loved. This is a universal value, and this value draws us towards other people, another object, or a supreme being. Therefore, love is an intense affection, an intense state of affection, but there are very serious differences between love and affection. We inevitably define it through affection when describing it, but to love and to be in love are very different things. Love is more complex; in love, there is sexual attraction, allure, lust, passion, ambition, the erasure of one's own self, isn't it sacrifice? In love, our eyes become blind. Love blinds the eyes, deafens the ears. Therefore, in love, there is an uncalculated, spontaneous leap. There is a turning towards the other, a merging, a becoming one. Therefore, love has a crazy side. Loving passionately, turning, turning so that my eyes see nothing else, the state of having too much affection; they define love like this, but love is not like that. That is, we cannot understand love by saying it is an intense state of affection. Love is a kind of addiction, a kind of infatuation. To disappear, to be addicted, to be infatuated. Meaning, you cannot leave it, you cannot give it up even if you want to. Love makes us feel a kind of eternity. We feel a sense of infinity. When we are in love, our childhood comes to mind, our experiences. We want someone to see this, but on the other hand, lovers talk a lot about death. The thought of death is in their minds, and there is also a feeling of reaching a kind of eternity together. That is, you feel infinity. When you are in love, when you breathe, you feel as if you have breathed infinity. Therefore, the mention of love and death side by side should not surprise us. Love is a perpetual inclination in the heart. That is, an uncalculated, fearless devotion,” he said.
The symposium, where books were also presented to students, ended with a group photo session.