Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar University, participated in a talk titled “New Truths in the Family” organized by ASFA Educational Institutions. Emphasizing the importance of families being honest and positive in children's learning, Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that children need discipline imbued with love. Pointing out that the greatest inheritance from the family is psychological and social capital, Tarhan stated that children should be raised according to the current era. Tarhan also stated that there should be new answers to old questions; “We are raising children according to the past era, not the present one. This creates a gap between us and the child.”
Educators and parents showed great interest in the meeting organized by ASFA Educational Institutions at Bağlarbaşı Cultural Center.
“Humans learn everything through social interaction”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar University, highlighted that the social environment is the best place for learning; “Family essentially means the upbringing of a human being. It requires an ecosystem. Just as bees are an ecosystem, everything in nature is an ecosystem. If one part is missing, the balance is disturbed. For example, if bees disappeared, the world would become a desert in fifty years. When there are no bees, the wind is not enough after fifty years, and the world becomes a desert. But what happens if humans disappear from the world? After fifty years, the world becomes greener. Because humans do not belong to this world. As a philosopher said; ‘Man is thrown, abandoned into the world.’ Man came from outside, is not a product of the world. The existence of man cannot even be explained by evolution. A human child is born differently from an animal child. A human child is born psychologically premature, but an animal child, for example, a duck, emerges from the egg and immediately swims, while a human child can only stand up after about a year. Humans learn everything through social interaction. They learn within a social environment. The social environment is the best place for learning, and the smallest ecosystem is the family.” he said.
“Investment in the family is a medium to long-term investment”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that the family should be a safe space for the child, underlining that leaving a child without a family constitutes child neglect. Tarhan said; “A child grows in a safe environment. A family exists in a safe environment. The family must be a safe space. A child imitates three things in their family: the mother, the father, and the relationship between the mother and father. Fundamental learning begins with the mother, and other learning occurs when they go to kindergarten and start socializing. Can you imagine that over 50% of the cell development in children's brains happens between 0-3 years old? A child takes and pours water; we say, ‘What a naughty child.’ In reality, that child is exercising the development of their muscles against gravity. A child learns everything later. In this situation, leaving a child without a family, without a mother or father, is child neglect, child abuse. It is physical abuse, physical neglect... Therefore, investment in the family is a medium to long-term investment.”
“Children need to learn the balance of freedom and responsibility”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the goal of raising a good child is not to make them happy, but to prepare them for life. Tarhan said; “The era of ‘Silence, silence, children listen to elders, you are a child, don't speak, don't answer to adults’ is over. After the age of 10, it’s very difficult; before 10, it’s easy because up to 10, the child is dependent on their parents. If, in such a situation, the parents have lost leadership of the home, and the child has become the little ruler, the little princess of the home, that child will manipulate you in such a way. For example, sometimes there are sick, autistic children. The mother has given up her leadership to the child, and the child has become the boss at home... The mother says; ‘We did everything he said because he was sick.’ If you want to raise a good child, the goal is not to make the child happy, but to prepare the child for life. Life gives its rewards to those who persevere. Therefore, children need to be taught resilience training and the skill of delayed gratification for the development of a sense of responsibility. The child needs to learn the balance of freedom and responsibility. The child will be both free and belong. To achieve this balance, the child needs the guidance of their parents.”
“A child needs discipline with love”
Tarhan mentioned that teaching children their responsibilities happens through opportune education; “A child learns through the reward system in the brain. If it activates the reward system, the brain writes it into chemical permanent memory. Information that the child doesn't believe or dislike disappears quickly as if written on sand, but information they believe in becomes permanent because it is written with chemical letters in the brain. Through fun series, films, or in other words, by experiencing during play with the mother during childhood, the child learns. We cannot correct a child by preaching for an hour, giving conferences, life lessons, or turning every breakfast into a conference. The child does the opposite to annoy the mother. He pretends to read a book but takes his mobile phone inside, and the mother thinks he is studying. On the contrary, he goes into an opposite identity. That’s why a child needs discipline with love, and if you hold them too tightly, they will run away. If you leave them too loose like soap, they will also run away. So, we will do it with sweet discipline. How will we give responsibility? Responsibility is taught to a child starting from the preschool period, as soon as they begin to walk. Let’s say the child needs to make their bed. The child grumbles, saying, ‘I’m fed up with you,’ and grumbles while making the bed. I’m saying this for children under ten. Instead of saying that, if the mother says, ‘My child, look, I need you. I can’t manage alone, let’s make this bed,’ it activates two situations in the brain’s reward system. The first is being with the mother and feeling like a part of the home. These two rewards activate the child's brain's reward system, and they start making their bed themselves. After a while, they say, ‘Mom, I made my bed.’ There, you have responsibility. Teaching children responsibility happens through opportune education.”
How do we turn the home into a nest, a sanctuary?
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized the importance of being positive in interpersonal communication, stating that to combat evil and correct children, good, right, and beautiful behaviors must be increased. Tarhan said; “Parents must be a learning organization within the family. In a patriarchal family, the father knows everything. Everyone obeys him, but a child raised in such a family will try to break away from home at the first opportunity and want to marry the first person they fall in love with. They fall in love with whoever shows them interest. Then daughters make wrong marriages. Boys insist on studying outside Istanbul. We actually see it as running away from home, not just outside Istanbul. How does a smart parent create a warm atmosphere at home? We need to focus on ‘How do we turn the home into a nest, a sanctuary?’ When you do something negative, the way to correct the negative is to increase the positive. The way to fight darkness is to light a candle. Similarly, in the family, if we want to fight evil and correct our children, we will increase our good, right, and beautiful behaviors. When we increase these, the child grows and develops in the warm atmosphere created at home. That's why we say here: Do not interfere with three things of the child: their privacy, their excuses, and their sacred things. You cannot communicate if you start from their sacred things, privacy, and excuses. Therefore, in communication, we will respect their privacy and establish positive communication.”
“You cannot approach adolescents confrontationaly”
Tarhan pointed out that a positive relationship should be established with adolescents, stating that teenagers engage in ego battles with their parents. Tarhan said; “You will not approach an adolescent negatively; you will establish a positive relationship with them. When they embark on such a life journey, especially adolescents today engage in ego battles with their parents when you try to correct their mistakes and flaws. ‘My way vs. your way, my power vs. your power’... The adolescent is asserting their identity. After the age of 10-12, parents take a secondary role, and friends become primary because that's the hormonal balance in the body. The child needs to develop a sense of autonomy to be the captain of their own ship. Parents need to give them that opportunity. Parents need to teach them how to captain the ship of life. When parents don't teach this, if the child has a sense of autonomy, they become like an adolescent. If the mother says A, the child says B. There's a corresponding condition in books called ‘Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)’... A child who opposes everything emerges. Whatever the mother says, they do the exact opposite. When this child grows up, they turn into a crime machine. These children are monitored; they become antisocial, they get involved in crime... They are smart children, capable children, but they are exactly opposite to society, that's why they are called antisocial. They enjoy doing anti-social actions. They enjoy killing someone, beating someone… They have childhood traumas. They are children raised with childhood abuse, physical, emotional abuse. These are children raised without love, with discipline and fear, and after a while, when they enter adolescence, they enjoy tormenting others. For example, just as they enjoy tying a tin can to a cat's tail at a young age, now they take a plastic pellet gun, shoot it, record it on camera, make a lady scream, and enjoy watching it. Such a child emerges. Therefore, you cannot approach adolescents confrontationaly.”
It is necessary to teach the reward-punishment system to work…
Tarhan noted that the reward system operates with internal and external motivation; “Some working mothers always come with gifts. After a while, the child doesn't look at their mother, but at her hand. What is meant by reward here is to directly activate the reward center. Sometimes a smile, a nod, a high-five. These are approval behaviors. We need to accustom children to these, such as words of appreciation, approval, and praise. As for punishment, a parent's face falling or suddenly changing is enough as a punishment. If you have raised a child well, seeing their parents upset will evoke a feeling of guilt in the child. Nothing else will be needed. It is necessary to teach the reward-punishment system in the brain to work. Saying, ‘If you do this, I will give you that; if you do that, I will give you this,’ are things to be used exceptionally. If you constantly do this, what you say will happen exactly. What happens to the child then? They will do everything in exchange for something. In other words, they will become a child raised for self-interest. The reward system works in two ways: with internal motivation and external motivation. Gifts received are external motivation. Internal motivation activates the reward system in the brain. What is internal motivation? For example, the mother and child made the bed. The child said, ‘I succeeded,’ and was happy, along with the joy of spending time with the mother. The happiness of achievement, the child's feeling of reward for achievement, is more valuable than money.”
“Instead of an authoritarian approach, offering choices is necessary”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, speaking about peer bullying, reminded that families should protect their children from afar without letting them feel it. Tarhan said; “Peer bullying usually occurs above the age of fifteen. Most bullying happens due to friendships with the opposite sex. Therefore, let's allow it, unless they make a big mistake; unless they make mistakes like drugs, lying, or running away from home, they shouldn't wear that pair of pants, they should wear this one. Parents, do your duty to warn. If it continues, let them pay a price and learn. They will learn by experience, but we will protect them from afar without letting them feel it. If this happens, the child will think they did it themselves. In fact, a child might insist on a t-shirt, saying, ‘I want this.’ If the mother says yes or no, the child learns to be stubborn. However, if the mother pulls out five or six t-shirts and makes one of them more attractive, the child chooses, saying, ‘I chose it.’ The child satisfies their sense of autonomy. The parents also don't lose control. Therefore, instead of an authoritarian approach, it is necessary to offer them choices. Instead of giving orders, it is necessary to be a role model. When we do this, the child learns about life, and the parents also learn. Social media negatively affects pre-adolescent children. Therefore, if the child is peaceful in the family, they learn to manage social media. If the parents are a peaceful family, we will say no with reasons, and praise with reasons.”
“It is necessary to set abstract goals, not material ones”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan underlined the significant importance of raising a child with life goals; “When defining success, there are three paradigms here. We want our child to be intelligent and successful. The current education system aims to raise intelligent and successful children, but the third thing, besides intelligent and successful, is for your child to be a good person. To be of good character and moral. Here we will carry these three parameters together. If we implement three parameters, children will never detach. Parents raise children with two parameters. Can the child manage themselves when they embark on the journey of life? Can they manage life? When faced with good and evil, can they choose good? What kind of person should they be when they reach the end of life? We need to set abstract goals for them, not material ones. ‘What kind of person do you want to be when you reach the end of your life? What do you want written on your tombstone? What kind of marks do you want to leave in life? How do you want to be remembered?’ Being able to make the child say this and raising a child with life goals is very important.”
“We are raising children according to the past era”
Tarhan emphasized that raising an educated child is the greatest legacy a mother and father can leave to their child; “The Arabic word ‘Iktisat’ (economy) apparently comes from the root ‘maksat’ (purpose/intention). So, if you are going to manage money, first determine your purpose. Managing a child, psychological capital, ourselves, and finances are all related to the basic rules of resource management. You enlarge the pool, increase inputs, and manage outputs wisely. Life is the same. We will accumulate, increase, and enlarge the good things in our lives in a pool, and then spend it appropriately. If you have taught this to your child, if you have raised a good child, with good psychological capital and social character capital, you don't need to keep an eye on that child. You left a great inheritance to the child, and if the child consumed the inheritance, there is nothing to do. Therefore, raising an educated child is the greatest legacy a mother and father can leave to their child. Do not raise the child to satisfy your own ego. Hz. Ali said, ‘Raise the child not according to the era you live in, but according to the era they will live in.’ What a farsighted thought. We need to raise the child according to this era, but we are raising the child according to the past era, not this one. This creates a gap between us and the child.”
“Divorce is not an option in marriage, but a consequence…”
In the talk where audience questions were also answered, Tarhan also drew attention to the issue of divorce. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that even if couples divorce each other, they cannot divorce parenthood; “Men experience narcissism and depression in an angry manner. Women, on the other hand, experience their depression by crying. In fact, most angry men have depression. Because they are depressed, their emotional expression takes the form of anger. Women express their emotions more directly by crying, and they are considered narcissistic due to that difference. It should not be confused. For children's sake, marriage should not be ended without expert help. Parents may divorce each other, but they cannot divorce parenthood. Therefore, parents must end it by shaking hands for the sake of their children. If it is to end, the focus must be on the children. Divorce is not an option in marriage, but a consequence. If it were an option, you would say, 'I'll leave this marriage,' but if you leave, that marriage will not work. Because marriage is like embarking on a long journey in the ocean. There are storms, there are adversities. You cannot say, 'I'll get off the ship in the middle of the ocean,' or a surgeon cannot say, 'I'm quitting the operation,' once it has started. If you have entered marriage, you will do your best to improve the marriage. If all paths are closed, then the outcome will emerge. Therefore, divorce is not an option in marriage, but a consequence.”
At the end of the event, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan signed his book “Being a Conscious Young Person” for his readers.