Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, penned an article on marriage and divorce this week in his Hürriyet Aile column.
‘Marriage’ does not mean ‘confrontation’; marriage means ‘togetherness, walking together’. If you conduct a marriage through confrontation, they throw a plate at you, and you throw a plate back. There is no such meaning in marriage. If there is good will, conflicts in marriage are easily resolved.
Divorces are rapidly increasing globally. Of course, there are various reasons for this rapid increase. Currently, the most notable factor is the changing meaning attributed to family.
In the last 50 years, especially after 1960, the meaning attributed to family changed. After these dates, the women's liberation movement began. It was a rightful movement; however, the movement suddenly experienced an overdose. The women's liberation movement eventually turned into a war between women and men within the family. This occurred in a destructive feminist style. As a result, violence against women increased, especially in societies where male culture was not fully ready, which brought about increasing divorces.
Divorce rates are increasing in our country
Globally, the divorce rate in the first five years of marriage exceeds 50% in Northern European and North American countries. In Turkey, this rate is 39%. This is a much higher rate compared to the past. Previously, one in 10 cases ended in divorce; now it has risen from 10% to 40%... In other words, we are approaching the global average. There is also a 2019 report on domestic violence. Unfortunately, we rank first in the world for violence against women. The United States is second, and New Zealand is third.
All of these are signs of family disintegration and a fragile family structure. There are statistics from studies on fragile family structures. Five-person households are rapidly decreasing. Two-member households are decreasing. There is an increase in three-member households. There is an increase in two-member households. This means the graph for single living is rising significantly. This has become even more pronounced in the last 10-15 years.
All of this indicates that we seem to be facing the same family-related problems that European countries, especially the Nordic countries, are currently experiencing, in 10-20 years. What are the family problems there? The rate of out-of-wedlock births is around 59% in Sweden and 69% in Iceland. In Turkey, this rate, the out-of-wedlock birth rate, is currently 2.5%.
There is a crisis in the family…
All of this indicates a crisis related to the family. As a result, there is an increase in the divorce rate. The highest increase in divorce rates worldwide is in the USA. People there are getting richer, their material well-being is high, but their psychological well-being and spiritual well-being do not show a corresponding increase. They remain stable, or even decline.
We concretely see the result of this in the form of family disintegration. These are global consequences, consequences brought by time. Everyone is exposed to such consequences, but some families are more fragile, while others are more resilient. When we look at these, which families are fragile?
If spouses are egocentric, divorce appears very quickly. When a problem arises, the parties engage in a struggle for rights, power, and dominance against each other. In such situations, both sides lose. In other words, there is no winner. However, family relationships should be complementary, not competitive. For close relationships and experiences, meaning for the home to be a safe space, a person must feel safe when they come home, regardless of whether it's a woman or a man who is their rival or undermines them. If they cannot feel secure, they cannot be happy.
The formula for lifelong love
In previous studies, we called home a nest of love; now we call it a nest of trust. Because love is useful only if it provides trust; if it doesn't, love is also useless. Therefore, love + cooperation = trust emerges. And then, lifelong love emerges.
The reason for divorces in marriage is the lack of knowledge about problem-solving styles in marriage. One of the most important reasons is ego wars.
There are three periods in marriage
There are 3 periods in marriage. The first is the period of romantic feelings. It lasts a maximum of 2 years; after 2 years, it evaporates. In some marriages, this period ends during the honeymoon. The second is the period of power struggle, personality clash. The third is the period of commitment… If the parties can resolve problems during this crisis period of power struggle, the marriage survives.
The period of positivity in marriages is important. During this period, you see people in advanced age looking into each other's eyes, holding hands. These couples are individuals who have achieved this commitment and secure attachment. Everyone is peaceful and happy. For this reason, the ability to establish cooperation in marriage is very important.
If couples have marital maturity, divorces are fewer
If individuals have marital maturity, divorce is less common. If there is no marital maturity, a crisis is bound to emerge from somewhere in these individuals. In the past, there were extended families. Grandmothers were present. When parents fought at home, the grandmother, who didn't even know how to use the TV remote, would go say something to the mother, say something to the father. Suddenly, you'd see the fight was over. Everyone is laughing. This is called emotional intelligence.
Extended families and social support systems act as insurance for marriage. In extended families, grandmothers would come and help. With the nuclear family model, they consequently became distant. Today, young people start making mistakes. When they make a small mistake and fail to correct it, the mistake grows, and grows, and starts to harm the relationship.
Low emotional intelligence in marriage can lead to unhappiness, and sometimes even to divorce. If there is unhappiness in a home, couples tend towards divorce. Therefore, it is necessary to create a warm atmosphere and a safe space at home. Family members should rush home when returning. There is a difference between happiness and peace. In happiness, a person takes alcohol or drugs and is happy, but not peaceful.
Narcissism is the greatest enemy of marriage. Some individuals, if they have power and money, want to enslave their spouse. When there's a problem in marriage, it's necessary to be able to talk and achieve an equal, horizontal relationship. In male-female relationships, no one is solely the head of the household.
Happy families have three characteristics
For this, we look at the second period in marriage. The woman devotes herself to the children, the man to his work. A study was conducted. In this study, three characteristics were identified in happy families. First, spending time together; second, frequent use of words of appreciation, approval, and praise; and third, these were families that built relationships together. What does this mean? Their philosophies of life are common. These families also have empathy.
Marriage is walking together
Marriage does not mean confrontation; marriage means togetherness, walking together. If you conduct a marriage through confrontation, they throw a plate at you, and you throw a plate back. There is no such meaning in marriage. If there is good will, conflicts in marriage are easily resolved.
Individuals with resilience skills can make medium and long-term plans. We teach this in positive psychology. It used to be learned, but society cannot teach it now. Education for this needs to be provided. This also applies to marriage.