Market Competition Also Reflected in Marriages!

President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan participated in an online discussion organized by the Presidency of Religious Affairs, Directorate General of Religious Services, Department of Family and Religious Guidance. Tarhan, who held a discussion titled “Scientific Foundations of Complementary Differences Between Woman and Man,” drew attention to the biological, psychological, and cultural foundations of marriage and the family institution. Addressing many topics from the role of parents in child development to the complementary characteristics of women and men, Tarhan stated that the competitive understanding of the modern world has also been carried into marital relationships, negatively affecting the family structure. Tarhan emphasized that love, respect, patience, sincerity, and loyalty are fundamental elements for a healthy and sustainable marriage, and drew attention to the importance of preserving cultural values and strengthening trust-based relationships.  

Betül Altınsoy Erinçik, Head of the Department of Family and Religious Guidance, undertook the moderation of the online discussion. 

Tarhan met with 300 engaged couples on the verge of marriage. 

“Parents write life scenarios into the developing mind of the child”

Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that parents have important roles in a child's developing psyche; “The word 'fitra' is referred to as our biological nature in scientific literature. Biologically, we are born with the innate disposition to be human. If we learn humanity, if we acquire human values from childhood through genetic and epigenetic mechanisms, we become good people or bad people. Until the age of fifteen, parents write life scenarios into the developing mind of the child, accumulating memories. Parents have very important roles in a child's developing world. After the age of fifteen, as the child gains consciousness and reaches self-awareness, they begin to distinguish between good and bad and take on responsibility. They become responsible for distinguishing good from bad, and for questioning and correcting their past mistakes. Therefore, childhood traumas are not destiny. Genetics is not destiny. Epigenetics is not destiny either. These are learned, but after the age of fifteen, a person can change the traumas originating from childhood and the effects accumulated by their parents,” he stated. 

“Neurogenetically, we are born with various predispositions”

Tarhan, addressing the effect of the mirror neuron system; “In psychology and psychiatry, genetic endowment is separate from biological predispositions. Neurogenetically, we are born with various predispositions. For example, there is a mirror neuron system. While emotional mirror neurons are found only in humans, motor mirror neurons are found in both humans and animals. When the person in front of you raises their hand, if you are looking at them, the same region in your brain is activated. If you feel an emotional intensity towards someone, a mirroring occurs between your brain and theirs. Even if you hate someone and pass by them thinking of their name, some mirror areas in the other person's brain can become active. The brain constantly mirrors. Mirror neurons exist for this. For example, this system does not work sufficiently in autistic children. Therefore, difficulties with empathy and social interaction are observed, especially in advanced cases of autism. The capacity for empathy exists in humans. The need to believe exists in humans. Furthermore, there are characteristics that distinguish humans from other living beings, such as the search for meaning, which stems from innate disposition/nature,” he said. 

“The two sides complement each other”

Tarhan stated that marriage is in accordance with biological nature; “The male brain thinks result-oriented. The female brain, on the other hand, thinks process-oriented. For this reason, women and men naturally provide complementarity to each other. In fact, here the two sides complete each other. The ancients have a beautiful saying on this matter. For women, bachelorhood is not seen as much of a problem, but for men, it is said, ‘Bachelorhood is the profit of the idle.’ This is a saying meaning that if a man is single, he is at a loss, incomplete. They even say, ‘One-third is idle.’ Meaning, if a man is not married, he is one-third incomplete. Because the woman completes the man's missing aspects. The man also completes the woman's missing aspects. The two sides complement each other. Here, innate nature is to act in accordance with our biological nature. Marriage is in accordance with our biological nature. Therefore, pairing is biological, but if we learn marriage later, then marriage is epigenetic. That is, we learn marriage later. When we act in accordance with our biological nature, a happy and peaceful marriage emerges,” he said.

“The competitive understanding in the market has also been carried into marriage”

Tarhan, addressing the rise in divorce rates; “Modernism presents the husband-wife relationship as a competitive relationship. They have also carried capitalism's competitive understanding from the market into marriage. When the husband-wife relationship turns into a competitive one, the understanding emerges, ‘If they throw a fork, you throw one too; if they throw a plate, you throw one too.’ Then we ask, ‘Why have divorces increased?’ Of course, they would increase. Because marriage turns into ego wars. Modernism's ideology did this. Hollywood did this. Unfortunately, our society also bought into it. Currently, statistics on rising divorce rates and household fragility show this. In Turkey, in the last ten years, a serious fragility has emerged in household structure compared to the previous ten years. Households of five people are considered healthy households. Households of three, two, and single persons, on the other hand, are considered fragile households. In statistics, we see that one and two-person households are rapidly increasing, while five-person households are decreasing. TURKSTAT data shows this. This means there is a serious crisis in the family institution. Population growth has already stalled. This is also one of the important reasons for holding meetings and studies related to the family,” he stated. 

“We have come under the influence of cultural imperialism”

Tarhan, underlining the necessity of preserving cultural values; “Our country was not occupied, but our minds were occupied. Currently, there is a phenomenon called cultural imperialism and voluntary imperialism. We are not aware, but we have come under the influence of cultural imperialism. A generation is growing up that thinks with a Western mentality and makes sense of the world with Western concepts. Unfortunately, our education system also supported this for many years. During our student years, for example, we didn't read Rumi much, but we read almost all of the Western classics. Later, in a reactive way, we questioned ‘Why don't we have our own cultural resources?’ and researched and found them. The understanding of modernization by abandoning one's own culture is not suitable for our social structure. Today, we still see its effects. However, recently we see that the awareness of the National Education system and the Ministry of Family on this issue has increased. Even if late, this is an important and positive development. Therefore, we should not mentally buy into global imperialism. It is of great importance for us to act by preserving our own cultural values, especially in our homes and within our families,” he said. 

“If there is trust, marriage becomes a sanctuary”

Tarhan, speaking about the 5S rule in marriage; “The first S is love. For example, a mother loves her child but says, ‘I will love you if you do your homework; if you don't, I won't.’ This is what we call conditional love, and it damages the relationship between mother and child. It instills fear in the child towards the mother and lowers their self-confidence. Therefore, this is not true love, but conditional love. The name for unconditional love is compassion/tenderness. It is greater than love. Feelings of compassion and mercy form love that contains empathy. This is love that takes into account the rights, feelings, and needs of the other party. This is true love. The second S is respect. Respect can stem from fear, but true respect is respect that contains empathy. True respect is also courtesy. Courtesy is the feeling of not wanting to hurt the other person. Therefore, love and respect that contain empathy are also called courtesy. The third S is patience. What is most lacking in today's youth is patience. There is a hastiness, an impatience brought by digitalization, modern fast-paced living, and a pleasure-oriented life. The fourth S is sincerity. Sincerity is very important here. If there is sincerity and genuineness in husband-wife relationships, it has a captivating effect on marriage. If there is sincerity, the mirror neurons in the other person's brain are activated. Studies in the neuroscience of persuasion also show that a sincere person persuades the other party. The fifth S is loyalty/fidelity. Loyalty has two meanings. One is 'sıdk', meaning truthfulness. This is an approach of speaking truthfully or being honest when you speak. This is our quality of trustworthiness. The greatest quality of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was trustworthiness. It was about being trustworthy, not betraying a trust. This is much more important in marriage. If there is trust, marriage becomes a sanctuary,” he stated.

“It is necessary to show consideration for the other party's privacy, apologies, and sacred matters”

Tarhan, emphasizing the necessity of being 'us' while remaining 'me' in marriage; “In marriage, it is necessary to show consideration for the other party's privacy, apologies, and sacred matters. That is, being 'us' while remaining 'me'. Individuals who succeed in being 'us' while remaining 'me' lead a much higher quality marriage. They maintain boundaries of respect. For example, there are life scenarios we learned in our childhood. Like the role of mother, father, elder brother, younger sibling... These life scenarios are learned, with parents acting as key figures. However, when you get married, since a new life union is established, we call it H2O, that is, water. Hydrogen is flammable; oxygen is a combustor. Two substances come together and become water. Our ancestors called this 'aşk-ı kimyevi', meaning chemical love. Indeed, marriage is precisely such a chemical love. After uniting, there is no such thing as ‘I will be both married and free.’ Someone who says that lacks marital maturity. Indeed, after getting married, you cannot live however you please anymore. You will think for two people. Your two eyes will be four eyes, your two ears will be four ears. In fact, marriage does not mean two people constantly looking into each other's eyes. Marriage is about being able to look together towards the same goal, to take common steps towards the future. When this happens, marriage becomes a visionary marriage. It becomes a partnership that builds the future. In such situations, managing crises also becomes much easier,” he concluded.