Emphasizing the importance of ensuring justice between couples in marriage, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that fairness should also be maintained in solving problems. Tarhan stated that trust is built when justice is applied within the family, saying, “Trust is formed where there is justice. Trust is the greatest capital. Love alone does not create trust. If there is a fair relationship, love plus justice equals trust. But if there is no fair relationship, if there is an authoritarian, frightening relationship, then that marriage will not work.”
Uskudar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, made evaluations regarding problems in marriages and solution suggestions in the Marriage School program broadcast on Akra FM.
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that problems that arise from time to time in marriage should be overcome with the participation and sacrifice of both parties, saying, “A common way out can be found. One takes a step, the other takes a step, and they meet halfway. But expecting sacrifice always from one side, sometimes from the man, sometimes from the woman, is not fair. An approach like ‘Always you make the sacrifice and come’ harms the marriage.”
Action should be taken together for a common solution
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that when there is a problem to be solved, a multi-faceted evaluation should be made, saying, “When there is a problem that needs to be solved, a situation analysis, needs analysis, and cost-benefit analysis are performed. For example, one of the partners will go to another city or country for their career. Their spouse does not want to go with them. Is it a fair approach to end your spouse's career because you don't want to go? Both sides have strategic goals, professional careers, and needs. Time solves some things. To find a common solution, it is necessary to act together. One partner may show sacrifice for a certain period for the spouse's career. If one cannot move the piece, the other who can will move it.”
Secondary traumas should not occur in marriage…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that when one of the parties tells their spouse, ‘Resign, leave your career and come,’ regrets may arise in the future, saying, “In such situations, we often encounter examples like ‘My career was ruined because of you’ later on. New secondary and tertiary traumas are formed in marriage.”
Sacrifice should not only be expected from women
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that sacrifices are often expected more from women in the institution of marriage, saying, “Some men sometimes experience rigidity of thought. They expect their spouse to behave according to their own truths. Sometimes they try to enslave the woman. However, they do not have such a right. Similar situations usually occur when the woman is working. If you married a working woman, then you must accept an equal relationship. Since you have accepted an equal relationship, we must succeed in making decisions together.”
Marriage should function with a co-presidency system
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that the issue of leadership in marriages is another problematic area, saying, “There is generally an understanding that the man is the head of the house. There is no single truth in marriage. Today, a co-presidency system should be applied in the family. It is one of the fundamental principles of law that psychological superiority lies with the powerful. If economic power is in the man's hands, the man is the powerful person, and psychological superiority is with him. Making sacrifices suits the man more. The man needs to make sacrifices for his spouse, but in return, the wife needs to accept the man's leadership. However, if both parties are working and contributing similarly to the household budget, in such cases, that marriage operates with a co-presidency system. Otherwise, there will be dissolution.”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that women and men are equal in rights and opportunities, saying, “Women and men are not equal in physical strength, biological strength, or endurance. But they are equal in rights and opportunities. This is a requirement of justice. A man cannot say, ‘You get 1 lira because you are a woman, and I get 2 liras because I am a man.’ This is called sexism. It is also not correct. It is something that this era already rejects.”
A woman who feels sacrifice increases her sense of belonging…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted the importance of a woman feeling valued in marriage, saying, “When a woman feels that she is valued and that sacrifices are made for her, her sense of belonging increases. Smart men do whatever it takes to make themselves loved. I’m not saying they make them happy, but they make themselves loved. When a woman loves, she makes sacrifices very easily. In a healthy marriage, couples need to increase their bonds of love.”
Emphasizing the importance of couples spending time together to strengthen their bond, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Spending time together helps increase love between couples.”
It is not right to expect your spouse to change
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the biggest mistake made before marriage is to assume that one's spouse will change, saying, “If a promise was made on a certain matter before marriage, that promise must be kept. A family from Giresun had reached the point of divorce. They came to us as a last resort before the bridge. Every summer, they used to go to Giresun for hazelnuts. The woman says, ‘Enough is enough, the children have grown up. I don’t want to go.’ The man insists on going. They said they were about to end their marriage. In the Black Sea region, during hazelnut season, the whole family gathers. That is a wonderful culture in the Black Sea, but the woman is not from the Black Sea. I asked, ‘Did your spouse tell you this before you got married?’ She said, ‘Yes, he told me this. He said we would go there every year, and I accepted.’ So I asked, ‘Then why did you accept?’ She said, ‘I thought I would change my husband over time.’ I said, ‘You thought so, you lost. You made a promise about this from the beginning. To change this now, your spouse has the right not to change this rule, this arrangement, in such a situation.’ I told her that she was the one who needed to make the sacrifice here.”
Trust is formed when love and justice unite
Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of ensuring justice between couples, said, “Fairness must also be maintained in solving problems. Justice begins in the family. When we practice and apply justice in the family, trust is formed. Trust is formed where there is justice. Trust is the greatest capital. Love alone does not create trust. If there is a fair relationship, love plus justice equals trust. But if there is no fair relationship, if there is an authoritarian, frightening relationship, then that marriage will not work. It is no longer possible. This is not correct for this era.”
Crises can be turned into opportunities
Prof. Dr. Tarhan noted that every crisis has a threat dimension and an opportunity dimension, saying, “What is in the threat? In the threat, the marriage is about to fall apart. What is the opportunity dimension? The opportunity dimension can be evaluated to make the marriage better. What happens? There is an opportunity to strengthen marital bonds. There is a step, like one side making a sacrifice. The other side will then make a sacrifice too. If a correct solution is produced, the crisis here is turned into an opportunity.”
Balance of mind and heart must be together
Tarhan noted that there should be a balance of mind and heart in a marital relationship, saying, “Both should be complementary to each other. One cannot proceed with only the mind, nor with only the heart. A balance of mind and heart is needed. Currently, one of the biggest reasons for breakdown in marriage is a woman devoting herself to her children after marriage. Neglecting her spouse. And a man dedicating himself to work, neglecting his family. The distance between these two increases. When the distance increases, coldness begins, and when coldness begins, conflicts arise.”
It is important for the father to spend quality time with the child
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of a father dedicating time to his child, pointed out the importance of raising good children, saying, “The father is very important in a child’s personality development. The time a child spends with their father is so important that if a man focuses on work to the extent of neglecting his home without caring for his children, he regrets it in old age. For this reason, we advise individuals with demanding work lives to dedicate time to their children, even if limited, and to make that time quality time. We recommend dedicating 15-20 minutes a day to their child, spending time with eye contact. In such situations, the child says, ‘My dad loves me,’ and feels valued by their father. The child can identify with their father.”
Raising good people is the greatest production
Tarhan, asking, “Is raising a good child less important than establishing a factory? Is investing in a child, investing in a home, less important for a businessman than investing in a factory?” said, “Raising a good person is the greatest production. They ask Ibn Khaldun, ‘How should children be educated?’ He replies, ‘They are educated as the parents are.’ He gives an answer as if there is no need for a special education system. If you raise a good child, there is no need to leave them an inheritance. That child can already earn their own way, but if you haven’t raised a good child, even the strongest inheritance is useless; it will be gone instantly. Therefore, raising a good offspring is the greatest production.”
Father should not neglect his child
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that mothers and fathers should be aware of this, saying, “If couples cannot realize this, they should not get married. If he doesn't care for his home and family, he shouldn't get married. This is a burden of responsibility. You are a father, you will fulfill the responsibility of fatherhood. You will not leave it solely to the mother. That is, in our culture, all responsibility is left to the mother. The child is the common child of the mother and father, not just the mother's child. If a father wants to be his child's hero, he will act accordingly, but a father who cannot be his child's hero means he cannot fulfill his fatherly duties.”