Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, wrote an article on the topic of “Marriage” this week in his Hürriyet Aile column.
Just as in every aspect of life, it is quite normal for problems to occur in marriage from time to time. What is important is not the problem itself, but overcoming these problems with the participation and sacrifice of both parties. A common way out can be found in solving marital problems. One takes a step, the other takes a step, and they meet halfway. But it is not fair to always expect sacrifice from only one side. An approach like 'You always make the sacrifice and come' harms the marriage.
A multidimensional situation assessment should be made regarding the problem to be solved. Situation analysis, needs analysis, and cost-benefit analysis are performed. For example, one of the partners will go to another city or country for their career. Their spouse does not want to go with them. Is it a fair approach to end your spouse's career just because you don't want to go? Both sides have strategic goals, professional careers, and needs. Time solves some things. It is necessary to act together to find a common solution.
Secondary, tertiary traumas in marriage…
When one of the parties tells their spouse, 'Resign, leave your career and come,' regrets may arise in the future. In such situations, we often encounter examples like 'My career was ruined because of you' later on.
New secondary, tertiary traumas are forming in marriage.
We observe that sacrifices are often expected more from women in the institution of marriage. Some men sometimes experience rigidity of thought. They expect their spouse to behave according to their own truths. Sometimes they try to enslave the woman. However, they do not have such a right. Similar situations usually occur when the woman works. If you married a working woman, then you must accept an 'equal relationship.' Since you accept an equal relationship, we must succeed in making decisions together.
Sacrifice suits men more…
The issue of leadership in marriages is another topic where problems arise. There is generally an understanding that the man is the head of the house. There is no single truth in marriage. Today, a co-presidency system should be applied in the family. It is one of the fundamental principles of law that psychological superiority lies with the powerful. If economic power is in the hands of the man, he is the powerful person, and psychological superiority is with him. Sacrifice suits men more. The man needs to make sacrifices for his spouse, but in return, the wife needs to accept the man's leadership. However, if both parties work and contribute similarly to the household budget, then that marriage operates under a co-presidency system. Otherwise, there will be disintegration.
A woman's sense of belonging increases when she feels sacrifice…
It is important for a woman to feel valued in marriage. When a woman feels that she is valued and that sacrifices are made for her, her sense of belonging increases. Smart men manage to make themselves loved. I don't say they make them happy, they make themselves loved. When a woman loves, she makes sacrifices very easily. In a healthy marriage, couples need to increase their bonds of love. Spending time together is also important to strengthen the bond between couples. Spending time together helps increase the love between couples.
Trust forms when love and justice unite
Ensuring justice between couples is also one of the important conditions for a happy and healthy marriage. Fairness should also be maintained in solving problems. Justice begins in the family. When we practice and apply justice in the family, trust is formed. Trust is formed where there is justice. Trust is the greatest capital. Love alone does not create trust. If there is a fair relationship, then love plus justice equals trust. But if there is no fair relationship, if there is an authoritarian, frightening relationship, then that marriage will not work in this era. It is no longer possible. This is not the right way for this age.
Crises can be turned into opportunities
Every crisis has a threat dimension and an opportunity dimension. This should also be taken into account in marital problems. What is in the threat? The marriage is on the verge of breaking up. What is the opportunity dimension? The opportunity dimension can be evaluated to make the marriage better. What happens? There is an opportunity to strengthen marital bonds. There is a step, like one side making a sacrifice. The other side then makes a sacrifice. If a correct solution is produced, the crisis here is turned into an opportunity.
Balance of mind and heart must be together
There must be a balance of mind and heart in a marital relationship. Both must be complementary to each other. One cannot proceed solely with reason, nor solely with emotion... A balance of mind and heart is needed. Currently, one of the biggest reasons for breakdown in marriage is a woman dedicating herself to her children after marriage, neglecting her spouse. And a man devoting himself to work, neglecting his family. The distance between these two lengthens. As the distance lengthens, coldness begins, and when coldness begins, conflicts arise.