Emphasizing that two different individuals who come together in the institution of marriage should become 'us' by meeting at common points, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan points to the importance of harmony in marriage. Highlighting that marriage is two different people remaining 'I' while becoming 'we', Tarhan reminds that just as it's the dosage that makes a medicine effective, the dosage must be adjusted in relationships…
Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, made important evaluations and recommendations regarding happiness and correct communication within the family on AKRA FM's Marriage School program.
The golden mean rule is important in marriages
Pointing to the importance of couples' harmony with each other in marriage, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said that it is important for parties to have common ground in terms of personality traits, economic and cultural aspects before marriage.
How should the dosage be adjusted in relationships?
Stating that there is a golden mean rule in marriages, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “If the parties are not stubborn, a solution is easily found. If one or both parties are stubborn, then things get difficult. Traditionally, there is a saying from elders: Look for three things in the person you will marry: first, let them have fear of God. Someone who fears God does not commit hidden evil. Second, let them be ashamed before people; someone with traditions in society does not commit open evil. Third, let them not be stubborn.”
Are we adhering to the golden mean rule?
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “It is important for both parties to find answers to these questions before marriage: 'Are we adhering to the golden mean rule in marriage? What are their expectations and needs? What are my expectations and needs? Can we progress as 'we' while remaining 'I'?'”
Stating that the concept of stubbornness must be taken into consideration for marital harmony, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Behind this trait in stubborn individuals lies rigidity of thought. This often occurs in egocentric, narcissistic, and obsessive individuals. If a party or parties think, 'Everyone should comply with my terms, my rules should prevail. Power is with me, authority is with me,' they reduce the marriage relationship to a master-slave relationship. There can be no happiness in a marriage where one says, 'Whatever I say goes,' and desires a master-slave relationship.”
Marriage is remaining 'I' while becoming 'we'
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Marriage is two different people remaining 'I' while becoming 'we',” and added, “Marriage is remaining 'I' while becoming 'we'. That is, if a person wants the man or woman they will marry to change and conform to their own terms, there is a fault in them. Marriage is for different people to act similarly, to move in a similar way for the same purpose. This is not only true in marriage but also in team work. It's true in leadership too. What does a leader do? For example, in a company, they try to make people with different temperaments and characteristics act together for the same purpose. What is the common goal? This must first be determined in marriage. Are we acting similarly with my spouse, are we compatible? This needs to be looked at.”
Harmony of life and life philosophy is important
Stating that it is important for couples to set a common goal in marriage, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Being a good person, raising good children, and having a warm home environment are important goals. The harmony of life and life philosophy are matters of primary importance.
If the couple's philosophy of life is the same, if their outlook on life is similar, and if they have high and common ideals, other secondary problems are somehow resolved,” he said.
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that parties should conduct very careful analysis before marriage, emphasizing the importance of harmony in marriage and the right dosage in everything. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “There is a rule in medicine: it is the dosage that makes a medicine effective. That is, what makes a medicine poison is an overdose. Dosage is important in every relationship. How is this dosage adjusted in relationships? Can you sit down and talk? Your common areas should be over 50%. If your common interests are few, and love weakens, separation occurs after a while.”
Saying “my prospective spouse should change” is a sign of not being ready for marriage
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also noted that it is wrong to expect a prospective spouse to change before marriage. Prof. Dr. Tarhan said, “An approach like 'the person I will marry should change the way I want and then come' is not possible. If there is an approach like 'let them be like me, keep me happy, always do what I like,' then this person is not ready for marriage anyway. Marriage does not mean that the parties become copies of each other. In marriage, spouses need to leave personal space for themselves. In marriage, both parties must accept the other as a different person.”
Tolerance is important in marriage
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that if both parties can succeed in remaining 'I' while becoming 'we' in marriage, marital maturity will emerge there, and he said, “In this case, the person does not try to change their spouse. They say, 'That's their habit, but they also have a lot of good habits.' They tolerate that negative side. Tolerance is very important for them in that marriage.”
That marriage won't work with an autocratic spouse
Stating that there is hidden arrogance in people who want their spouse to be perfect, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Some may seem very modest. In fact, these people have hidden arrogance. Behind hidden arrogance lies passive narcissism. In these narcissisms, the person tries to make everyone perfect. They try to make their spouse and child perfect. They think, 'I am perfect, so should they be.' They may be well-intentioned, but it is an extremely crushing style for personalities. It is a totalitarian and authoritarian mindset. It is a monopolistic mindset. Autocratic leaders force their ideas to be accepted. What individuals say prevails, not laws and rules. Thirdly, they are closed to consultation. This is an autocratic trait. If one of the parties is a spouse who says, 'All control will be with me,' that marriage won't work.”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, also pointing to the importance of team leadership in marital relationships, said, “In our culture, the team leader in external reality is the man, and in internal reality, it is the woman. The mother is the leader at home in many matters such as children's education and household management. What she says goes. Today, women are also in working life. Currently, a co-presidency system is valid in marriages. That is, neither the woman nor the man is the leader of the house; co-presidency is valid. If the woman is not working at home, this role sharing is ideal.”