Highlighting the importance of the relationship established between couples and their children from previous marriages in second marriages, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan recommends that children must be informed and introduced beforehand. Tarhan emphasized that a 2-3 year old child, abandoned by their mother or father, might call their mother's or father's second spouse 'mother' or 'father', but noted that when the child reaches school age, they should be told that this person is not their biological mother/father.
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, made important evaluations and recommendations regarding second marriages and their effects on child development during AKRA FM's Marriage School program.
Children should be informed about the new marriage
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out the importance of communication with children born from the first marriages of the mother or father in second marriages, stating that necessary information should be given at a certain age. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that children should be introduced to the person their mother or father will marry, and it should be explained to them in an appropriate language that they will be forming a new home.
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that in second marriages, both parties might have children, and in such cases, children should be informed. He added that young children might address their mother's or father's second spouse as 'mother' or 'father'.
When should the child be told that the person is not their biological parent?
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that a 2-3 year old child, abandoned by their mother or father, might call their mother's or father's second spouse 'mother' or 'father', but when the child reaches school age, they should be told that this person is not their biological mother/father. He said, “The child might call this person 'mother' or 'father'. The child might also come to believe that this person is their father or mother over time, but when the child grows up, meaning before starting school, the necessary information should be given to the child. Something that is not true should not be told to the child.”
The child should be mentally prepared
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that in second marriages, the child should be mentally prepared, stating, “The child should not be suddenly introduced with 'This is your stepfather or stepmother' without prior information. The child needs to be mentally prepared.”
One should be a positive figure for the child
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also pointed out the importance of the relationship established with the child in second marriages, warning, “A positive communication should be established with the spouse's child or children from the first marriage. One should be a positive figure. The child's own mother or father should not be denigrated, nor should hostile feelings be created.”
The concept of death should be explained to the child in an appropriate language
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that the development of abstract concepts into concrete ones in children occurs between the ages of 5-6. He stated, “Children can generally distinguish between fantasy and reality at age 6. You cannot explain death to children. It is usually said that they went to heaven. When it is said they went to heaven, the child says, 'I want to go too.' Therefore, it is necessary to find the language that the child understands here. This can vary according to age. A child in the first grade of primary school loses his father. The mother brought the child to us. The child is coming for therapy. The child's psychological state improved a little. We said, 'Your father went on a long journey. He will not return, but we will go to him.' The mother said that the child stopped asking questions after that. The child cannot understand at that age, but this is the language they understand.”
Healthy attachment is crucial for child development
Emphasizing the importance of attachment in child development, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “What is important here is meeting the need for attachment. The relationship a child establishes with their mother and father will affect their identity development. When people are attached, they feel secure. The child sees the mother as a safe space. If there is a strong mother figure, if there is a healthy relationship between the child and the mother that meets their basic needs, and if there is a male role model in the home, the absence of the father does not affect much. The absence of the mother affects the child more, but the person who takes the place of the mother can also provide this attachment healthily. Therefore, the feeling of attachment needs to be consistent and continuous. When this attachment relationship exists, the person can grow healthily.”
Marriages should be open, transparent, and honest
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that in second marriages, both parties often have children from previous marriages. He stated, “Generally, both have a child here. One is motherless, and one is fatherless. In such situations, the marriage can proceed well. What is important here is that both parties discuss everything with the person they are marrying honestly and truthfully. In marriage, an open, transparent, and honest relationship is crucial. One must accept the person they are marrying as they are.”