Mistakes made during child-rearing lead to outbursts, especially in adolescence. Children raised in broken families or families where parents are in conflict face greater challenges during adolescence. Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan discussed the mistakes parents make today.
The incidents between former model Deniz Akkaya and her 16-year-old daughter have become one of the most talked-about topics on social media. Following the violence-centered incidents between the mother and daughter, Akkaya's complaint to the police about her daughter and the Ministry of Family and Social Services taking Akkaya's daughter under protection divided social media followers. While some commenters sided with Deniz Akkaya, others blamed the former model.
The Akkaya incident brought the profile of today's adolescents and the positive or negative behaviors of families in child-rearing into question.
Stating that children have now become the 'boss' of the family due to mistakes families make while raising them, Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “One of the most significant problems experienced in families today is adolescents tyrannizing their families. Today, abusive adolescents put parents in difficult situations.” Prof. Dr. Tarhan’s assessments are as follows:
THE PROBLEM OF BROKEN FAMILIES
Children and adolescents exploiting their parents is most common in broken-single-parent families or families with conflicted communication. Usually, the father is not visible. Either the mother takes on both mother and father roles. Or parents cannot set rules for the child due to conflicts of opinion. In both cases, the child is raised with the love of two or three people and loose discipline. Children raised with loose discipline and excessive love seize leadership over their parents when they enter adolescence; children become the bosses of the house.
EXCESSIVE PARENTING IS HARMFUL
Adolescence is a period where emotions dominate over reason. Since the child's every wish was previously granted, they know no limits in their demands; they start to shake their mother and father like a fruit tree. All of these are the result of what we call excessive parenting. While the child previously wanted a toy car, upon entering adolescence, they demand a real car. They ask, 'If you didn't want me, why did you give birth to me?' and then state, 'If you gave birth to me, you will fulfill my every wish.'
FROM PATRIARCHAL FAMILY TO CHILD-DOMINATED FAMILY
If there is no rule-based environment in a family, if children cannot learn where to stop, if their boundaries are not drawn, these children easily seize leadership in the home. Parents cannot say no to them. From patriarchal families, we have transitioned to a 'child-dominated' order today. It is necessary to be resolute, consistent, continuous, and disciplined with the child. Discipline and advice are like snowfall; they take hold if continuous. There are some parents who smother their child with kisses in the morning, praise them by saying 'there's no one like you,' and then bury them alive in the afternoon, saying 'why did I give birth to you?'
OUR UNDERSTANDING OF HAPPINESS IS VERY WRONG
Being a parent means not making the child happy every moment, but preparing them for life. Our understanding of happiness is very wrong; we are focused on the child being happy at that moment. We do not think about what they can do to be happy 3 years or 10 years later. The most important reason is that parents raise their children focused on immediate happiness, whereas children should be raised to focus on medium to long-term happiness, and they need to learn that happiness cannot be achieved without paying a price.
CHILDREN OF BROKEN FAMILIES ARE HARMED BY SOCIAL MEDIA
If the home is a rule-based environment, and parents have sufficient control and leadership over the child, the child is not heavily influenced by social media. If there is no warm, safe environment at home, they see social media as a place for stress reduction and relaxation. Up to the age of 10, a child takes their family as an example, but after that, they are more influenced by their friends. If they don't have a family they believe in and a sense of belonging, they become exposed to the guidance of social media, and the situation worsens.
DO NOT FULFILL EVERY WISH OF THE CHILD
Parents doing everything the child says, fulfilling every wish, and managing the child's life leads to the child growing up pleasure-oriented and egocentric. If the child has a high sense of autonomy, they start to defy their parents when they enter adolescence. Parents also clash with the child. When their relationship with their parents deteriorates, their relationship with life also deteriorates. Therefore, in such situations, positive communication needs to be established. Guide them in the right direction, not as a captain, but as a pilot (a guiding expert).
DIFFICULT ADOLESCENCE IS A CRY FOR HELP
Adolescence is accepted as a normal schizophrenic period in literature. If a person were to perform the actions typical of adolescence at 40 years old, they would be said to have impaired mental health. It is natural for adolescents to make mistakes. Adolescents will make mistakes, and parents will correct them with compassion. Even the most difficult adolescent can somehow be guided to a solution, but parents are very impatient and want immediate results. It is difficult but not impossible. Difficult adolescents can also become successful people in the future. Difficult adolescence should not be seen as a threat but as a cry for help. If they are treated correctly during this period, they will be more attached to their parents in the future.