Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, addressed the topic of “Family and Communication" this week in his Hürriyet Aile column.
A balanced and harmonious relationship between spouses in the family is one of the most important factors in ensuring peace. No one is perfect, and making mistakes or having shortcomings are very normal situations. Being open to criticism allows for the rectification of errors and the correction of wrongs. However, some criticisms, if they go too far, can have very destructive effects. Continuous and one-sided harsh criticism between spouses can create negative impacts on all family relationships and harm the family. As with everything, the dosage of criticism must be well-adjusted.
As everywhere, parties in a family can make mistakes and have flaws. The important thing is for couples to criticize each other without hurting them and to share each other's shortcomings. This way, problems are resolved before they escalate.
One-sided criticism negatively affects everyone in the home
In marriages, constant complaints from parents about each other can affect all relationships and balances in the family, and especially one-sided criticism can cause wounds in the parents' relationship. For example, the mother constantly complains and always grumbles about the father. There are some complaining personalities. These people complain about everything. If you put these people in heaven, they would complain about why it isn't beautiful. This situation negatively affects the peace in the home, as well as relationships and communication among family members.
The reason for constant complaints and criticism might be hidden arrogance
People who constantly engage in negative criticism and complain non-stop harbor hidden arrogance. These individuals constantly complain about everything. Outwardly, they appear modest. They look like gentlemen and ladies, but whenever a word comes out of their mouths, they always needle and criticize. They never see the positive side. These individuals actually possess hidden arrogance. This hidden arrogance manifests as follows: The ego, saying 'I am a good person, I am perfect, everyone else is flawed,' they comfort themselves by pointing out the shortcomings of others. They criticize and devalue the other party. They try to belittle them and gain control over them.
Mistakes and flaws can be criticized appropriately
People who engage in this type of criticism also tend to have high egos. Such individuals must be appropriately informed of their erroneous behaviors. Due to their complaining nature, these people also derive ego satisfaction. If a person feels valuable when complaining but not when not complaining, they will find something to complain about. It is necessary to confront such a person with their complaint. Of course, when doing this, children, in particular, should do so without hurting or offending their parents…
What if you looked at their positive sides?
Children can appropriately correct their mother's or father's mistaken attitudes. The children's approach is also important here. For example, a child might approach a mother who constantly complains about and criticizes her spouse at every opportunity by saying, ‘Mom, look, you are a good person, you have good intentions, but let's look at Dad objectively too. Let's put his positive sides on one scale and his negative sides on another. Are you always seeing only his negative sides? Could it be that you are not seeing Dad's good sides?’ The mother should never be approached in a judgmental or accusatory way. ‘What kind of mother are you? What kind of spouse are you? You treat my dad/mom like this?’ pushes that person into defense. This situation can make the mother immediately go on the defensive, saying ‘You don't love me.’ A judgmental and accusatory attitude can lead to other conflicts.
The child also has a duty to warn
In such conflict-ridden situations within the family, children have a duty to warn their mothers or fathers. For example, children can warn a mother who constantly criticizes the father. ‘Dad has positive sides too. He comes home every evening. He meets the family's needs, tell Dad about these aspects, see how he changes,’ the mother can be guided by saying this. The child can offer ideas to the mother regarding the method.
One should enter a role of awareness, not a savior…
We recommend that the child here takes on a role of creating awareness between their mother and father, rather than being a savior. The language used here is also important. When warning the mother or father, 'I' language should be used instead of accusatory 'you' language. If a child tells their mother, ‘Dad's good in these ways, but without realizing it, you're pushing him there. The more you complain, the more carefree he becomes, the more indifferent he gets. The more you complain, the more it increases,’ this approach uses 'you' language, which is accusatory and judgmental. Instead, if they were to say, ‘I get very anxious. I'm afraid things at home will go wrong,’ it might be more convincing.
Excessive criticism can drive one away from home
Family members who are always criticized may potentially distance themselves from home. A person who is constantly criticized and complained about by their complaining spouse may distance themselves from home. The person criticizing might be doing it with good intentions, but they push their spouse away. Perhaps they are doing it to win them over or correct them, but the method used has the opposite effect, driving them away.
In short, the dosage of criticism is important in a family, especially between parents. When couples appropriately and sufficiently point out each other's shortcomings and make an effort to rectify them, significant progress is made in resolving family problems, and children are enabled to grow up in a more peaceful environment.