Experts, drawing attention to “silent marriages” where couples do not communicate with each other, spouses do not feel strong bonds towards each other, there is a feeling of boredom and loss of emotion, and which are maintained only due to external and internal pressures, warn that the existence of such silent marriages based on individual foundations in the micro-environment and the increasing number of their examples are now evolving into a macro problem area. Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler said, “This evolution is spreading like a contagion from one household to another. Losing the need to be ‘us’, and children starting to adapt to their new normals as ‘single-parented’ instead of growing up within a family, bring about serious deviations and societal anomalies.”
Silent marriages are spreading from household to household!
Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler, Faculty Member at Üsküdar Üniversitesi Department of Sociology, made an evaluation regarding marriages where couples have no communication, no verbal or emotional connection, and their social impact.
Stating that the family acts as a bridge between the individual and society in imparting cultural identity and values to new generations and transmitting social consciousness, Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler said that it is important to what extent social consciousness is at the center of life for family members.
Couples' relationships also get their share from the change
Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler stated that in the new world order where individuals are increasingly becoming individualized, the reflections on society are also undergoing transformation. She said, “We are losing some of our values. We know that our lives are subject to change, development, and transformation. Of course, family structure and couples' relationships also get their share from this change. It becomes an inevitable situation for the feeling of love between married couples to change. The desired change is for couples to be in a loving, mature relationship that grows and develops together, and this is only possible with mutual effort. As family bonds strengthen in the home established by spouses together, and as feelings of togetherness are supported by an environment of trust and peace, the sharing of love and the value of their relationships also increase. The magic word here is ‘sharing’. Preserving the magic of this word is a difficult craft. Because sharing means partnership, whereas ‘self-centered’ individuals, lost in a paradox that leads to individualism, have moved away from the requirements of the word sharing.”
The effort to be ‘us’ has entered a phase of exhaustion
Noting that the interaction between couples has also changed today, Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler said, “While in the interaction order of a bygone era, women and men understood each other's place and position through sharing, for instance, when presenting the self, women and men chose to highlight each other rather than themselves; in today's interaction order, women and men are only trying to protect their own identities. In other words, we can say that the effort and initiative to be ‘us’ is increasingly tending towards exhaustion. As such, the inability of ‘you’ and ‘I’ to merge and form ‘us’ comes to the forefront, and the effort to remain a family is also harmed. The name of the scenes we play in our new practices is ‘silent marriage’ or ‘empty shell marriage’.”
Marriages continuing due to external and internal pressures are observed
Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler noted that sometimes marriages are observed where spouses do not feel strong bonds towards each other, there is a feeling of boredom and loss of emotion, and they are maintained only due to external and internal pressures. She said, “Marriages sustained for the sake of social acceptance, in other words, couples who prefer to remain married because their divorces would not be welcomed by their close circles, who have become estranged from each other and live ‘as if they are married’ – more accurately, we are talking about separate individuals and individualized lives. If they have children, marriages maintained thinking that they would be harmed are another example. So, are these examples suitable to be models when we consider social norms? It is an inevitable reality for each of us to show inclination towards similar situations and to draw inspiration from different experiences.”
Silent marriages are spreading from household to household
Stating that the existence of such silent marriages based on individual foundations in our micro-environment and the increasing number of their examples are now evolving into a macro problem area, Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler said, “This evolution is spreading like a contagion from one household to another. Losing the need to be ‘us’, and children starting to adapt to their new normals as ‘single-parented’ instead of growing up within a family, bring about serious deviations and societal anomalies. As we start to lose the norms that embrace society, it becomes harder to find positive reflections on society. The issue is not just about keeping two people who cannot agree together merely to preserve social norms. But if there is a disagreement, if communication within the family is hanging by a thread, it is necessary to use time correctly to resolve the crisis there.”
These recommendations should be heeded
Referring to what can be done to combat this societal problem, Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler concluded her words as follows: “It is important that spouses make time for each other, can be good friends with each other, are willing to share their free time together, and are willing and diligent in preserving their bond. If we consider that every individual will have their unique story and perspective, even if it's our life partner, trying to accept our spouse with their own story, not trying to shape them, being able to empathize, making them feel our gratitude in our words and actions, and being supportive are important. I've left it for last, but the way to be ‘us’ passes through love, compassion, appreciation, and respect. I believe that as long as couples learn how to respect each other, respect each other's rights, listen to each other, and do not forget the commonality of life, we will not normalize silent marriages.”