President of Üsküdar University and Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan met online with educators and parents from Kartal Yüksel İlhan Alanyalı Science High School. Addressing the topic of “Parenting in the Digital Age,” Tarhan drew attention to the effects of modern culture on children and families. Emphasizing that digitalization creates approval addiction among young people, Tarhan stated that thoughtless sharing in virtual environments leaves permanent digital footprints and poses a serious risk for children.
“There are serious challenges in an age where everything is digitalized”
Stating that young people encounter information in the digital world that is not suitable for their level of emotional maturity, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said: “Thirty or forty years ago, if the half life of information was thirty years, today it has dropped to three years. There is such a rapid transformation and change. Twenty or thirty years ago, when a teacher was lecturing, students’ attention would start to drift around the fifteenth minute, so the teacher would tell a joke, make a humorous remark, or say something to regain attention. Now that fifteen minutes has dropped to three minutes. There are serious difficulties in classroom management. As parents, there are also serious challenges in an age where everything is digitalized. This situation is even more difficult for young people. Children between the ages of twelve and fifteen encounter situations that are not appropriate for their emotional maturity, sometimes even before the age of ten. These are pieces of information that are not suitable for their developmental stage. This affects them negatively and leads to difficulties in self regulation. All of this naturally worries parents. But there is a solution. Every problem contains its own solution. We need to identify the problem correctly. Digitalization has both a threat dimension and an opportunity dimension. Our children are exposed to a great deal of negative information. On the opportunity side, they can progress faster in life. If managed well, it can increase their performance and strengths.”
“Lack of communication is worse than conflictual communication”
Emphasizing that discipline is often misunderstood as a cold concept, Tarhan said: “When we say discipline, it is often perceived as something cold, almost like a military concept. Stern faces and rigid attitudes come to mind. But discipline is not that. Discipline is discipline with love in it. Positive discipline includes love. For example, a mother may throw a slipper at her child, but the child knows it is not meant to hurt. There are three types of communication in a family. The first is healthy communication, positive communication, where everyone communicates with empathy. The second is conflictual communication, where there is constant tension and both sides try to dominate each other. The third is lack of communication. For a child, lack of communication is worse than conflictual communication. It means not being noticed at all. In such cases, the child may provoke the parents, make them angry, make them shout, just to get attention and feel relief. The child feeds on negative communication, because being ignored, not being looked at, or not being greeted at home is even worse.”
Every situation can turn into an educational opportunity
Stating that parents should act as guiding captains for their children, Tarhan said: “Under the name of positive discipline, doing everything the child wants, raising the child like a prince or princess, turning them into the little ruler of the house is not correct. The result is a narcissistic child. A child who sees themselves as the center of the world, who says ‘I am the leader of this house’ during adolescence, who tries to dominate everyone, opposes parents, challenges them, and may even resort to violence. That is not positive discipline. Positive discipline is teaching the child right and wrong, good and bad, correct and incorrect. Children are not just our children; they are the children of the age we live in. Therefore, what parents need to do is to be guiding captains. What is most commonly done today is arguing with the child. Negative discipline and authoritarianism. When this happens, the child becomes fearful, develops low self esteem, feels inadequate, and becomes someone who cannot stand up for their rights. Or, if the child has a strong sense of autonomy, they start to challenge their parents during adolescence. Instead, we need to teach the joy of problem solving. When a problem arises, asking ‘How can I solve this?’ and experiencing the satisfaction of solving it is truly relieving, like scoring a goal. A person should ask, ‘Is there a problem to be solved?’ Problems are not desirable, but when they arise, one should make plan A, plan B, and plan C. Then every situation turns into an educational opportunity.”
“Criticism is very important within positive discipline”
Stating that criticism is a gift within positive discipline, Tarhan said: “One of the most important skills of the twenty first century is being open to criticism. People who are open to criticism can improve themselves. That is why companies hire independent auditors and appoint independent members to their boards. A third eye comes from outside, analyzes and criticizes, helping them see and correct their mistakes. We all have an inner critic in our brain. We need to activate it and be able to engage in self criticism. We should not automatically reject criticism from others. If it is correct, you fix your mistake; if it is not, you continue on your path. Why someone criticized you is not the main issue. One of the things that causes mistakes is fear of criticism. In positive discipline, even criticism is a gift. A positively minded person does not feel disturbed by justified criticism and corrects themselves. They say thank you for pointing out my mistakes and contributing to my development. They do not react by saying ‘Why are you criticizing me?’ That is why openness to criticism is very important within positive discipline.”
Young people feel misunderstood
Referring to a saying attributed to Ali, Tarhan said: “Young people say ‘They do not understand me’ or ‘I am misunderstood.’ When does this happen? When parents do not listen to the child at all. They constantly give one sided lectures and advice. Breakfast becomes like a conference. A teacher remains a teacher at home, a businessperson remains a businessperson at home. At home, you must be a mother or a father. Parents cannot be psychologists or teachers at home. They should be companions on the child’s life journey. Play with them until the age of five, be companions until the age of fifteen, and after fifteen, consult with them. Say ‘This is what I did in this situation, what do you think?’ The saying ‘Play until five, be friends until fifteen, then consult’ is attributed to Ali. Think about it, it was said fourteen hundred years ago and it is still valid today. We fail to communicate empathetically with our children in this way. The greatest gift a parent can give a child is to listen to them. You may not approve of what they say; in that case, you should say no with reasons. If you say yes, you should also explain your reasons so they can learn about life. If you do not listen, the child thinks they are not understood and not loved.”
“If we want to understand the child, we must be active listeners”
Emphasizing that “I language” should be used instead of “you language” in communication with children, Tarhan said: “Listening to the child and being an active listener is very important. After listening, even if you praise the child, do not praise their personality, praise their behavior and effort. If you praise their personality, their ego swells. They say, ‘I am good, I am beautiful, I am handsome, my parents already love me very much,’ and they let themselves go. However, if we praise their behavior and effort by saying things like ‘You tidied your room so nicely,’ ‘You studied your lessons very well,’ or ‘Your report card is great,’ those behaviors and efforts develop because they are reinforced. Their ego does not inflate. Even when we criticize the child, we should criticize their behavior and effort, not their personality. For example, saying, ‘You are a good child, but why did this turn out this way? How did this mistake happen? Let’s talk about it.’ Parents usually use you language instead of I language. They speak in a judgmental and accusatory way. Using I language is very important. Saying things like, ‘If I were in your place, I would do it this way,’ or ‘If I were in your place, I would go there.’ Speaking with you language is accusatory and judgmental, and it triggers a defensive reaction in the other person’s personality. Feeling belittled, the child either suppresses their feelings or reacts harshly, and the relationship stops being positive communication. I language creates positive communication. If we want to understand the child, we must be active listeners. At unexpected moments, we should offer a smile, a few kind words, a loving look, and a warm touch. Giving these is not difficult.”
“Modern culture has created approval addiction”
Stating that people take refuge in an invisibility cloak on social media, Tarhan said: “Modern culture today feeds egocentrism. It has created approval addiction. A person who enters social media thinks they have put on an invisibility cloak. Because there is no physical contact with the other person, they speak without thinking, say things without thinking, and act without thinking, as if they are invisible. This leaves a tremendous digital footprint. They do things they will regret five or ten years later, sometimes even things they regret a month later or three days later. Teaching good habits and helping children develop good behaviors is very important here. The digital world has made this more difficult because children spend most of their time there. That is why we recommend digital detox at home once a week. For example, one evening a week, everyone should put their phones away and have conversations at home. When we improve the quality of communication this way, the child can build a relationship where they feel comfortable communicating, expressing their troubles, and finding depth and meaning. If we cannot establish a deep relationship with our child, we lose that child.”
“You cannot motivate a child without an ego ideal”
Stating that children should be taught the ability to delay gratification, Tarhan said: “There are two types of patience. One is often misunderstood as negative patience, enduring misfortunes, illnesses, and hardships. The other is positive patience. In positive patience, you have a goal, and while moving toward it, you endure difficulties and overcome them step by step. We call this the ability to delay gratification. Children must be taught this skill. A child who learns this develops psychological resilience. The first core element of psychological resilience is the ability to recognize and manage negative emotions when facing events, in other words emotional regulation. Another is the ability to remain calm under stress. Mental flexibility is very important here. Being able to look at events from different perspectives. You will not always have plan A, you will have plans B and C. That is mental flexibility. What do climbers do when climbing a mountain? If one path does not work, they try another, and another. If they persist, they eventually succeed. Life’s journey is the same. Putting effort into what you do and getting tired requires adding meaning to that work. For example, to instill intrinsic motivation in a child, they must have a goal they will work hard for and get tired for, an ego ideal. You cannot motivate a child who does not have a meaningful ego ideal. This is intrinsic motivation. To develop intrinsic motivation, the child must have a positive and high ideal. They attribute meaning to the difficulties they face, and once they do, they can overcome those difficulties.”
“The greatest harm modern culture has done to us is devaluing moral virtues”
Stating that the global system glorifies interest-based relationships, Tarhan said: “When we are driving, traffic signs guide us. In life, values and beliefs guide us, and these are learned in childhood. For example, we want our child to be intelligent and successful. An intelligent and successful child becomes a chemical engineer and goes on to produce synthetic drugs. An intelligent and successful computer engineer becomes a hacker. An intelligent and successful medical graduate becomes a doctor and forms a criminal network. This shows that being intelligent and hardworking is not enough. A third parameter is needed, and that is moral virtue. Concepts like good and bad, right and wrong. Japan and China teach this between the ages of four and six. They teach moral virtues, keeping one’s word, helping friends, organizing belongings, cleaning one’s room. They even teach life realities in ways like ‘know that the fish in the aquarium can die.’ When a child learns this, they build their personality on it. The greatest harm modern culture has done to us is devaluing moral virtue, materializing everything, and glorifying interest-based relationships. Unfortunately, this creates a risk for our children. A child’s homeland is their childhood. If we have a beautiful childhood and remember it with good memories, then wherever we go in life, we can do beautiful things.”