4 Criteria for Marriage Preparation!

Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan made striking evaluations on marriage in the program “Akla Kapı with Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan” broadcast on Dost TV and Dost FM. Tarhan emphasized that a person planning to marry should feel ready in four main areas; “This readiness is feeling ready economically, psychologically, socially, and in terms of life philosophy. If a person feels ready for marriage in these four main areas, they can now make decisions regarding marriage.”  

If you marry thinking ‘I’ll leave if it doesn’t work out,’ then don’t marry!

Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan mentioned that there are two major decisions in a person's life before marriage; “For both parties, one is career choice, and the other is spouse choice. That’s why we say, open your eyes wide before marriage, and half-open them after. The more they investigate before marriage, the less they will look for flaws after marriage. After marriage, one eye will be blind, and one ear will be deaf. They should look carefully beforehand. What meaning we attribute to marriage is also very important here. Marriage is not just a thing, not just an event. Marriage is like embarking on an ocean voyage. Like a surgeon entering an operation… You cannot say, ‘I’m bored, I’m quitting,’ on a plane or a ship. A surgeon cannot say, ‘I’m bored, I’m quitting,’ during surgery. This is a high-responsibility job. In marriage, divorce is not an option, but a consequence. It only happens if it’s the only thing left after trying all other paths… But a person whose life philosophy considers divorce as an option is not suitable for marriage.”

“There is a global anti-marriage pandemic”

Tarhan stated that a person planning to marry should feel ready in four main areas; “This readiness is feeling ready economically, psychologically, socially, and in terms of life philosophy. If a person feels ready for marriage in these four main areas, they can now make decisions regarding marriage. However, there is currently a global anti-marriage pandemic. This is a deliberate act. It is a game supported by global capital to reduce the world population. It is projected as family planning because they say, ‘If the world population increases, we cannot control, dominate, or manage this world.’ Unfortunately, this project has been successful in many developed countries. Currently, marriage rates have fallen, and especially what we call household fragility, five-person households have decreased, while single-person households have increased. Healthy children are not raised in such households. Children grow up without learning social skills. There is a global pandemic in this regard. We moved from extended families to nuclear families. Now, fragile families have emerged. We have reached the point where nuclear families are no longer deemed necessary. This means the end of the human race.” 

“Help comes after effort”

Prof. Dr. Tarhan, drawing attention to the divine wisdom regarding marriage; “God Almighty says, ‘If you have good intentions and sincere effort, I am your completer.’ This is a word of Allah, the speech of Allah. Good intention and sincere effort here mean you intend to marry to avoid forbidden acts. You intend to create a protected environment for yourself, to raise good people, good children. If you maintain a proper intention and strive for what is good and right, destiny completes it. A person will strive for what they intend. Help comes after effort…” he said. 

Why are young people afraid of marriage?

Tarhan, stating that young people are afraid of marriage; “Forced marriage is a great threat and problematic. Because the child's life will change. In most forced marriages, the entire burden falls on the parents. It is very problematic to decide on a marriage without obtaining the child’s consent and without being 70-80 percent convinced about them. Why the child is not marrying is important. Young people are currently afraid of marriage. Because there are bad examples. They wait until the age of 30-35, then they marry and have a child. This was the global trend. Now, in the West, even if they reach 35, they don't marry. They live together. They have a child. They are together when they want. They are not when they don’t. The West has now moved to this stage. Currently, sociological trends are leading Turkey in that direction. The values that hold the family together are rapidly disintegrating. They don't even say 'spouse' anymore; they say 'partner'.” 

When deciding on marriage, the ‘Marriage Maturity Scale’ should be completed…

Tarhan emphasized that when deciding on marriage, the ‘Marriage Maturity Scale’ should be completed; “After being introduced to someone, let them read it on their own behalf. If they give 70-80 percent positive answers to the majority of the questions, they won't look back. It means it's positive. For example, the questions include the meanings a person attributes to marriage. Then, they embark on a difficult and long journey. Do they know that marriage is a journey? Are they aware of it? Is the person always focused on physical appearance? Is there a biological problem in themselves or the other party? What is the person's economic level? What are their upbringing, cultural values? What is their life philosophy? Do they look at this world with the same eyes or different eyes? A general screening is done on all these points there.” he stated. 

For the marriage maturity scale:

This type of man should not marry!

Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said that spouses should see each other as life partners; “They are afraid of marrying, and they give up at the last minute. They have various fears. When someone decides on marriage in our culture, the most important thing to pay attention to is that people feel compelled to marry mostly for material and spiritual reasons, to avoid forbidden acts. Mark Twain is asked, ‘Why aren’t you marrying?’ He replies, ‘You don’t keep a cow for one bottle of milk.’ This is male feminism. That is, seeing women only as sexual objects. This devalues women. It means you don’t see a woman as a life partner, a fellow traveler. A man who thinks this way lacks marriage maturity. And he shouldn’t marry anyway. Because in marriage, you will encounter difficulties and obstacles. You will walk together on the path of life. Otherwise, behind this lies egocentrism. There are narcissistic personality traits. That is, he wants a master-slave relationship from his spouse. Very dangerous. One should not marry such a person…” he stated.  

“The most important thing is heart to heart”

Tarhan, speaking about the values that keep a family together in marriage; “The most important of those values is heart to heart. That is, mutual affection, which is even mentioned as 'mawaddah' in the Holy Quran. It comes from Allah’s name Al-Wadud. It is a very powerful emotion. If there is love, a close and warm relationship, marriage works. Because ‘Love + Cooperation = Lifelong Love’. If there is love and they establish good cooperation, culture is secondary, physical appearance is secondary, wealth or poverty is secondary. The whole point is heart to heart, but that alone is not enough. They also need to achieve good cooperation. For that, positive communication is necessary. One will take a step, the other will take a step, they will find the golden mean and be able to make decisions together.” he said.