Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, participated in the seminar titled “Peer Bullying and Violence” organized by Sivas Cumhuriyet University Medical Student Association. Speaking about the anxieties caused by peer bullying and violence and how these anxieties can be prevented, Tarhan pointed out that individuals lacking empathy commit bullying. Stating that bullying is a malicious behavior, Tarhan added that social media harms peer relationships and can have a toxic effect.
Medical Faculty students, academics, and physicians attended the online seminar.
“Peer relationships play a significant role in shaping an individual's future”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan began his words by explaining the concept of peers; “A peer is someone with whom a person has a horizontal relationship. For example, a military relationship is a peer relationship. A school relationship is a peer relationship. In the family, the relationship between siblings is also a peer relationship. Here, it is more appropriate to interpret peers as individuals who can act together mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, rather than just physically belonging to the same age group. Peer relationships play a significant role in shaping an individual's future. Empathy is learned there. Peer relationships are very important in early adolescence. Adolescence usually ends at the age of 22. It transitions into adulthood. Adolescent storms continue until the age of 22. Some prolonged adolescence even reaches the age of 40. This is very common in men. They cannot finish adolescence, cannot reach marital maturity. The peer period is very important in this maturation.” he said.
“Screen exposure is the biggest enemy of adolescence”
Stating that social media harms peer relationships, Tarhan; “In our culture, children often grew up with their cousins (uncle's, aunt's children). That was an advantage. Today's children, being 'apartment children,' try to satisfy their peer relationships through television. That also causes harm. In other words, social media has a toxic effect on peer relationships, causing harm. So, there isn't a genuine peer relationship there. There's no physical contact, no face-to-face conversation. In such an environment, it's very difficult for peer relationships to progress healthily. Only the brain's imagination-related area works there. Screen exposure is the biggest enemy of adolescence. It can also lead to peer bullying. It hinders the healthy progression of peer development.” he said.
“One who bullies is in moral evil”
Tarhan, pointing out that individuals lacking empathy commit bullying; “Bullying is a malicious behavior. No culture approves of bullying. That is, bullying can be peer bullying, bullying of the weak by the strong, or bullying of the poor by the rich. Üsküdar University has four mottos. Firstly, criticizability. That is, we need to look at whether a person is open to criticism. Secondly, libertarianism. Not doing to others what one does not want done to oneself. Not trying to force something upon others. Not forcibly teaching one's own opinion. The opposite of libertarianism is bullying. One of the four principles in the motto is pluralism. The opposite of pluralism is totalitarianism. It is single-mindedness. Whoever does this is a bully and a totalitarian. Criticizability, libertarianism, pluralism, participation. If there is participation, decisions are made together. There is consultation. There is an effort for reconciliation. One who bullies is in moral evil. These are skills. They need to be learned. A person can learn these in their living environment, in a social environment. Those most lacking in empathy bully.” he said.
“Nefs commands evil”
Tarhan, stating that the evil part within us is egocentric; “There is a good and an evil part within us. The evil part is selfish, self-serving, hasty, and impatient. In our culture, it is referred to as 'iblis' (devil). Nefs commands evil. This exists in all of us. Freud expressed this as the id. He said that there is a part of our self that lives without limits, irresponsibly, and without rules. This id is the evil part within us. This evil part is egocentric. It is always concerned with itself, a person interested only in themselves. It lacks empathy. It is a person who only thinks of themselves.” he said.
“There are social and emotional boundaries in human relationships”
Tarhan, stating that boundaries need to be learned during adolescence; “Most peer bullying during adolescence is not done intentionally. It is done as a requirement of personality. Adolescence is the gang age. That is, at these ages, a person values belonging to a gang more than belonging to a family. When this happens, identity confusion occurs. They ask questions like ‘Who am I?’ ‘Where should I belong?’ ‘Why?’. In such situations, the person does not know where to stand. They have not learned social or emotional boundaries. There are social and emotional boundaries in human relationships. It is necessary to teach the person subjected to peer bullying where to draw the line.” he said.
Strategy to be used in peer bullying!
Tarhan, stating that the thinking brain should be used instead of the feeling brain during an argument; “There is a strategy to be used when subjected to peer bullying. For example, one of your friends started shouting. If you also start shouting back at them, if you challenge them, the strong one will crush the weak. Jungle laws apply to them. In jungle laws, what the strong one says goes. They are using their feeling brain. You need to make them use their thinking brain. To make them use their thinking brain, you need to say, ‘Could you please speak a little slower? I want to understand you.’ When this happens, the person opposite you lowers their voice. You are drawing them into your own war strategy. Your war strategy is persuasion and conviction, their war strategy is forced acceptance. Thus, you can speak more calmly. If both sides are angry, the firefighter model should be applied. When a fire breaks out somewhere, the cause of the fire is not immediately investigated. First, the fire is put out, then cooled down, and only then is the cause investigated. If you shout when a problem arises, you will be fanning the flames. In such situations, if both sides are angry, the solution is to postpone the issue. This is not very difficult; it can be done. That is, being with bullies, antisocial, narcissistic personalities is like putting a cat in the same sack. It is very difficult. If you have close relationships with such people, you must learn crisis management. If the other person is well-intentioned, they understand their mistake. And since most are in adolescence, there isn't much premeditated malice.” he said.
“Traumas are opportunities for growth”
Tarhan, emphasizing that one should learn to accept and manage traumatic events experienced; “Everyone has traumatic experiences in their life. These experiences sometimes become unresolved trauma, reflecting into today. When you turn unresolved trauma into resolved trauma, you teach something. Post-traumatic growth emerges. After the stress they experienced, they overcome it with gains. One needs to accept past situations and look forward. There are things a person can do, and things they cannot. There are things one can change, and things one cannot. There are things one can control, and things one cannot. A person will use their mind to know their limits well. A simple cognitive solution. Accept and manage. Traumas are opportunities for growth. Evils, stress are part of perfection.” he said.
“Students with low social and emotional intelligence are bullied”
Speaking about the effect of social and emotional intelligence on peer bullying, Tarhan; “It is necessary to analyze the incident experienced as peer bullying through that incident. For example, students who are successful and intelligent in class but have low social and emotional intelligence are subjected to bullying. Everyone laughs, but they cannot laugh or understand. Everyone works harmoniously, they remain at odds. Their non-verbal communication skills are weak. However, they have an island of genius in their brains. They are super at math but cannot sit and converse. These children are subjected to tremendous peer bullying.” he said.
Stop, think, analyze, evaluate…
Tarhan, stating that one should think 360 degrees when interpreting events; “It is important to understand what constitutes bullying and what does not. For example, a friend didn't greet you while walking down the street. You might say, ‘Look at that guy, he's gotten arrogant, didn't greet me,’ or ‘He might be distracted, thinking about something.’ Then, when you meet him, you say, ‘You've gotten arrogant, you don't greet anymore.’ This is called cognitive distortion. We are making a mental distortion in the event. The moment we distort, there is a faulty interpretation. Faulty reactions emerge. That's why we work with 6-dimensional thinking when explaining an event. That is, 360-degree thinking. If you look at all its dimensions—before, after, right, left, up, down—you will better understand the truth of the event. In such situations, it is necessary to stop, think, analyze, and then evaluate.” he said.
“It is very effective to speak to a person subjected to peer bullying using 'I' language instead of 'you' language”
Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of 'I' language instead of 'you' language; “It is very effective to speak to a person subjected to peer bullying using 'I' language instead of 'you' language. Speaking with 'you' language is judgmental and accusatory. When you speak judgmentally and accusatorily, a defensive feeling awakens in the other party. When there is a defensive feeling, ego wars, power struggles, and personality conflicts begin. However, if you act with 'I' language, instead of becoming defensive, they feel guilty and a need for compensation. If, despite this, the other party does not accept their mistake and insists, that person is already the wrong person. Time spent with them is a waste. Those people are toxic people. They are closed to dialogue. Therefore, especially in close relationships, trust is the norm, suspicion is the exception. With someone you don't know at all or from whom you've previously experienced harm, suspicion is the norm, trust is the exception.” he said.