Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan advised couples who decide to remarry for the second time after divorce to engage in self-criticism before making this decision, stating, “Both parties should review their previous mistakes. Action should be taken without blaming or labeling the other side.” Tarhan also suggested that parties spend one day a week together with their children before marriage. Tarhan also stated that marriage should be entered into with good and right intentions.
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan made important evaluations and recommendations regarding trying marriage again in the AKRA FM Marriage School program.
Is it easy to say “yes” again?
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that divorced couples sometimes choose to reunite their lives once again and said, “It is not correct to comment by either advising couples who want to remarry to do so, or by not recommending it at all. The main decision-makers here are the couples. In such situations, couple therapists aim to help couples make the right decision for themselves by offering options. Options are presented such as 'If you make this decision, it could be like this. If you take this decision, that could happen.' The final decision should be left to the individuals.”
One needs to evaluate oneself in every aspect
Noting that human nature is a mixture of benevolent and malevolent characteristics, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “When deciding to remarry, it is important for the person to evaluate themselves thoroughly, realize their own narcissism and engage in self-criticism, and possess accountability.”
Some personal development techniques originating from schools that glorify narcissism motivate individuals by saying, 'You are perfect, you are good, praise yourself, stand in front of the mirror, praise yourself, you are important, you are great, you are superior. There are no mistakes, there are results, keep going.' This might be useful for achieving success but not for personal development. If a person starts praising themselves in front of the mirror, they will not like anyone in their life outside, will be lonely, and will not be able to sustain their marriage.”
Being able to self-criticize is very important
Emphasizing the importance of a person's ability to criticize themselves, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said,
“The way to combat narcissism is not actually divorce. Divorce is not an option in marriage, it's a result. What if divorce were an option? People who think 'we can't do it' and separate cannot sustain their marriage. Before going to a lawyer, one should go to their therapist. Professional help is needed.”
The interests of children should be considered
Stating that one should be willing to endure difficulties in relationships, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that some couples decide to remarry for their children and said, “Problem-solving skills will develop. Let's say there was a divorce. Even if nothing else happens, there is no divorce from parenthood. For the sake of the children's well-being, it is important to come together and talk without bringing up the past. In such situations, if you can sit down and talk about everything for the children's well-being, if you can talk without hurting each other, love will awaken mutually over time.”
Marriage is a complementary relationship, not a competitive one
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the marriage style taught by Western culture has turned marriage into a war between men and women, and said, “Femininism says, 'Marriage is a struggle between men and women. Whoever dominates, their word prevails.' However, marriage is a complementary relationship, not a competitive one. The global system has currently reflected the competitiveness that capitalism exhibits in economics into marriage. If you make the male-female relationship a competitive one, it won't work. Trust is essential in a marriage environment. If both parties feel they will be stabbed in the back when they come home, there will be no peace at home. If there is love and trust, there will be peace in that home.”
Time should be spent together one day a week
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that in marriages being considered for the second time, the interests and well-being of the child or children can be prioritized, and said, “Initially, this can be the purpose of coming together and talking. Whoever ended the first marriage should propose reuniting for the second time. When deciding on a second marriage, it is necessary to spend one day a week as a family. If children can say, 'Our mother and father are coming together for our future,' then the children's mental health is normal.”
Self-criticism is necessary, and one should not blame the other party
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that it is important and necessary for both parties to first engage in self-criticism before marriage and advised, “The parties should review the mistakes they made when ending their first marriages and be able to self-criticize. They should be able to question their own mistakes. It is also necessary not to blame and label the other party.”
Marriage needs to be started with the right intention
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also pointed out the importance of the intention contract in marriage, saying, “Firstly, when stepping into marriage, parties should not have an intention like 'If things get tough or don't work out, I'll end the marriage.' If such an intention exists at the very beginning, then that marriage will not work out. Because marriage begins with the intention of being together in two worlds. If this intention is absent, ruptures and breakdowns will occur during difficult times. In marriage, to pass the tests during bad and difficult days, it is necessary to establish a correct life philosophy. That is, marriage needs to be started with the right intention.”
Divorce should be the last option!
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that divorce should be the last option, not the first, and noted that cultural control and social pressure preventing divorce have weakened today.
Mother or father should not be slandered to children
Emphasizing that after divorces, parties should not blame each other, and especially that the other party should never be slandered to children, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan warned, “If both parties constantly blame each other and constantly bring up past events, it negatively affects children. If both parties blame each other, it becomes very difficult for children to tolerate this. Especially during adolescence and the period before it, many problems can arise in children. After a certain point, children can experience tics, behavioral disorders, and problems at school.”