Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar University, addressed the topic ‘Why Do People Become ‘Difficult People’?’ in the program “Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan’la Akla Kapı” broadcast on Dost TV and Dost FM. Tarhan emphasized that narcissistic individuals are the most difficult people, pointing out that even the most difficult person can change. Tarhan, emphasizing that global loneliness gives rise to depression, stated; “The 21st century's narcissism epidemic has caused a loneliness epidemic. People try to live alone to avoid committing crimes and to avoid conflict with others. The reason behind this loneliness is related to the weakening of the culture of living together.”
“Difficult people are those with narcissistic personality disorder”
Tarhan stated that people actually create difficulties for themselves when it comes to the concept of a difficult person, and evaluated the types of difficult people as follows: “What is difficult for you may not be difficult for someone else. It's quite easy; they get along very well. Like cures like. When someone says 'my spouse is a very difficult person,' we try to understand why they are difficult. In fact, the person themselves is often the cause of a significant part of what they call difficulty. Therefore, we need to understand very well what we mean by difficulty here. The most well-known difficult people, and those who have become very common in this era, are individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic individuals see themselves as special, important, and superior. They thrive on praise, are closed off to criticism, and cannot empathize. Anyone who wants to live with such a person must agree to a master-slave relationship. That is, if you become their slave, they will protect you, exalt you, and exalt loyalty. Narcissistic personality types are those who exalt allegiance to themselves. People who demand blind obedience from them want a peasant-lord relationship.” he said.
Leadership at work is different, leadership at home is different…
Tarhan stated that if there are difficulties within the family, children will be negatively affected by this situation; “A businessman's role at work is not the same as their role at home. Their upright stance, clarity, and decisive 'no' to people who follow rules at work are normal, but the role at home as a father is not the same as a businessman's role. The person in the father role at home cannot be like a boss or a commander. More transformative leadership is needed, a companion-like leadership. Leadership at work is different, leadership at home is different…” he said.
Children make their first love investment in themselves…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized the importance of education for children not to become narcissistic, underlining that praise and criticism towards children should be given correctly. Tarhan; “The first narcissistic being in the world is a child. If a child is not educated, they become narcissistic. If a person is not educated, they become narcissistic in the natural flow of life. This is called primary narcissism in children. A child first invests love in themselves, and as they grow, they invest in their toys, siblings, father, and neighbors. As they grow further, they invest in their friends, and even further, in their homeland and nation. As they mature, if they reach the level of self-actualization and self-transcendence, they invest love in existence, life, and the creator. If a person can do this, it means they are managing their love. It means they are sharing the object of love fairly. If they cannot do this, every person tends to be selfish. Every human being is created prone to being infinitely selfish and infinitely benevolent. If you praise a child's personality with criticism, they become narcissistic, but if you praise their behavior and efforts, they become hardworking. Let's praise their efforts, the positive things they do, and their good behaviors.” he said.
“The duty of parents is to guide the child”
Tarhan stated that humans learn life later than other living beings; “The duty of parents is to guide the child, to show the way, to be a mentor. If they can do this, the child begins to learn the differences between good and bad, right and wrong, useful and useless, safe and unsafe. A human child is born psychologically premature. They are born early and learn life outside. A duck swims as soon as it hatches from an egg, but a human walks at one year old and distinguishes good from bad, right from wrong at 15. A person's benevolence or malevolence is related to their environment and social circle. The brains of humans and all living beings are programmed for survival. If you throw a person into water, they immediately want to escape. If you throw any living being out of its natural environment, it wants to escape. This is because the mental programs of humans and other living beings are programmed for life. Animals do not have a consciousness or perception of death, so they live, are born, and die, but they are not aware that they will die. Humans know, they know life, they know they will die. Humans learn symbolic thinking, conceptual thinking, and abstract thinking later. As humans learn these thoughts, they also learn good and bad later from their environment on the path of life.” he said.
“Being a good person is the rent for our existence”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, noting that the biggest organ of people with narcissism is their ego, said that no one is superior to anyone else. Tarhan; “Narcissism is the deification of oneself. Its biggest organ is the ego. It sees other people as 'the other.' The person says, 'I am special, important, superior to others.' However, no one is superior to anyone else. There are children and people with IQs of 50-60, even they should not be looked down upon. Because everything unique is original. Everything original is singular, everything singular is special, and nothing special can be compared. People are created equal in rights and opportunities from birth. Some are rich, some are healthier, some are more handsome, some are ugly, but everyone is created equal in rights and opportunities. The real race starts here. The exam paper is not the same. People face the test of whether or not to be a good person. It's not about being rich or powerful, but about being able to accumulate good things in life when one reaches the end of it. Therefore, being a good person is the rent for our existence. Being a good person is not something to be proud of or praised; it is not a virtue. Being a good person is our fundamental duty, our responsibility.” he said.
Global loneliness gives rise to depression
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan explained difficult personalities with examples; “To understand difficult personalities, we use three examples for psychological resilience: Some people are like sponges; they absorb everything, internalize it, cry, are constantly complaining, and grumble about everything. When you go to such a person, their negative energy also infects you. They are always unhappy, full of worries, anxious, restless, and cannot be happy. The people we call 'Teflon' say whatever comes to their mind, yell, scream, burn anyone who touches them, but they themselves do not get burned. Although they may seem quite comfortable, they are not. A sponge at least bends against difficulty, but Teflon cannot bend; it breaks and shatters. That is, these people suffer narcissistic injury in the face of a major crisis, they commit suicide. They say, ‘Either I succeed or I die.’ They don't accept, they break, they don't bend. Some of these individuals withdraw from society and become lonely just to avoid being hurt or breaking. The 21st century's narcissism epidemic has caused a loneliness epidemic. The reason for this is that people try to live alone to avoid committing crimes and to avoid conflict with others. The reason behind this loneliness is related to the weakening of the culture of living together. Global loneliness also gives rise to depression. The third type is healthy personalities, rubber-like people. These are individuals who possess psychological flexibility. They are like rubber; they stretch, absorb stress, return to their original state, and learn things. Rubber is a model that can learn. With continued use, they easily adapt positions and change. Such people are psychologically robust individuals. They absorb the event again, manage it, and return to their original state.” he said.
“We need to understand the reasons for getting angry…”
Tarhan, noting that stubborn people express their feelings with anger; “Stubborn people are the most difficult people. Narcissists are also stubborn. Obsessive perfectionists are also stubborn. They are closed to criticism and have a ‘I know everything’ feeling. Due to these stubborn characteristics, they have rigid rules and think inflexibly. Because they cannot achieve mental flexibility and have rigid thoughts, these individuals get angry, express their emotions with anger, change, and prefer loneliness. This varies according to personality structure. It is necessary to understand the reasons why angry people get angry. One must look at which rule was violated, which principle was broken. It is also necessary to keep danger away from oneself. Behind some anger, there is fear. There is a fear of psychological integrity disintegrating. There is a perception of harm or threat. In some, there is jealousy, guilt, regret, meaning one needs to resolve a person's anger by understanding the underlying idea. An angry person cannot express their feelings. Most angry people are not bad people. When they understand this situation themselves, 50% of them can improve.” he said.
“Even the most difficult person can improve”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that paranoid individuals also fall into the category of difficult people, emphasizing that people who are open to changing themselves and accepting criticism can improve. Tarhan; “One of the difficult types of people are paranoid individuals. They are suspicious and have frantic gazes. They don't speak or speak very little; they feel as if every word they say will be used against them. They cannot trust anyone. They are the biggest enemy of close relationships and experiences. When these individuals are researched, they are found to be children who were raised with excessive discipline and fear in their childhood. They were raised with the notion that life is unsafe, and not to trust anyone. Individuals raised with fear and distrust from childhood in this manner have a higher tendency to become paranoid in old age. These people are also unsuccessful in educating themselves. A person can be raised this way in childhood; their parents might raise them like that to protect them, but there are also good people in life. If a person has the capacity to question and develop themselves, they can overcome their childhood traumas. Their childhood may have been traumatic and troubled, but as they enter adolescence, they become open to changing themselves, criticizing, questioning, and learning new things; even the most difficult person can improve.” he said.
“Start by changing yourself to change the world”
Tarhan emphasized that one should see one's life as capital; “Start by changing yourself to change the world. Instead of correcting others, correct yourself first. People who do not want to change themselves try to mold others into the shape they desire, like statues. Such people are difficult people. If a person is open to learning new things, if they have mental flexibility and intellectual flexibility, even if that person had a troubled and difficult upbringing in childhood, they ask, ‘What did this event I experienced teach me?’ They see their past experiences as capital, today as a gift, and their future as an investment. Therefore, this is the fundamental principle of psychological resilience. A person who does this can change themselves.” he said.
“We will journey until the end of our lives”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, referring to life as a journey, spoke about the importance of people being able to choose this journey themselves. Tarhan; “Life is a journey. In this journey, new opportunities will arise, threats will emerge, but we will journey until the end of our lives. The better our accumulation of experiences and the more correctly we make our investments during the journey, the more pros and cons we will have at the end of our lives. If you stop while riding a bicycle, you will fall; similarly, you will not stop on the journey of life, you will continuously operate towards a present moment. The purpose of other living beings is genetically determined, but the purpose of humans is entirely left to themselves because they have free will. If your ego ideal is good, if you have set high goals and high meanings for yourself, rest assured that every difficulty will somehow be overcome. It is even possible to get along with difficult people. There is no such thing as 'difficult people are angry, selfish, and cannot be gotten along with.' There is certainly a way to get along with such people. Therefore, every person is like a palace with a hundred gates; even if ninety-nine gates of their world are closed, if you wander around a bit, you will find one open gate and enter.” he said.