Üsküdar University Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences, Department of Psychology, Psychology Club, and Positive Psychology Club jointly organized an event titled ‘Psychology Talks with Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan’. In the program, which drew intense interest from participants, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan underlined the importance of mental flexibility in relationships. Tarhan said; “Individuals with mental flexibility can create new forms of relationships when problems arise on both sides.”
Üsküdar University Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences Dean Prof. Dr. Deniz Ülke Arıboğan and faculty academics also attended the event held at Üsküdar University South Campus Socrates Hall.
“It is important for us to build a bridge between the past and the future”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, speaking about a significant revolution occurring in psychology, pointed out that many related theories are being rewritten. Tarhan said; “Many pieces of information are being revised and rebuilt. In this framework, it is important for us to build a bridge between the past and the future. A paradigm shift is underway. The old paradigm is different, and the new paradigm is different. When a new paradigm emerges, there is always a status quo group that defends the old one. When a new idea is put forward, three types of reactions occur: First, they laugh, saying, ‘What kind of ridiculous thing is that?’ When it starts to gain some traction, in the second step, they strongly oppose it, tear it down, and attack it. Then, when it gains general acceptance, they say, ‘What’s new? We already know this.’ This is generally how scientifically-based new ideas develop. For this reason, we always act with scientific rigor.”
“Computational neuroscience is moving towards computational psychology”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, speaking about computational neuroscience evolving towards computational psychology, said; “Currently, a brain-computer decoder has literally been developed. Encodings are changing between information in the brain and information in the computer. They have people dream inside an MRI machine. They are developing software that predicts the dream a person has. The person is given training on the brain correlates of words. According to that training, a reciprocal mathematical calculation of that person’s dreams has been made. Every word has a mathematical calculation. From there, it fills in the blanks with assumptions and deduces what the story is. This computational neuroscience is evolving towards computational psychology; we are moving in that direction. In such a framework, we must certainly be open to new experiences and new questions. Old questions always receive old answers. In our field, we will provide new answers to old questions. We will give new answers to old diseases, old problems, and old studies.”
“Love has entered the realm of science”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, touching upon the scientific aspect of love, spoke about the hormones the brain secretes when a person is in love. Tarhan said; “Love was known as the subject of literature and artists, but after the 90s, it entered the realm of science. You’ve always heard of the chemistry of love. Someone in love thinks about the person they love for 59 out of 60 minutes. The person sees them everywhere they look. A person in love cannot think of anything else. When they think of them, they feel immensely relieved. The word ‘aşk’ (love) comes from the Arabic root for ivy; ivy wraps itself around so tightly that it dies with its host. A similar feeling occurs in someone who is in love. For this reason, the brain of someone thinking about this type of love secretes excessive dopamine. Dopamine provides tremendous focus. That is why dopamine-producing drugs are given for attention deficit. They focus, and because they focus, a person with attention deficit can pay attention for longer. A second feature of dopamine is that it gives a tremendous feeling of intoxication. It’s like just floating on clouds. This is how it is with love. A person in love is no different from a drunk person at the moment of love. Previously, love was thought to be serotonin secretion; now, serotonin decreases. The pleasure hormone increases, and the happiness hormone decreases. A person falls in love because they are focused, but anxiety emerges with the fear of losing what they love.”
“Loyalty obligation is very important in marriage”
Tarhan stated that establishing good cooperation is the magic concept and emphasized that if love combines with cooperation, it can turn into lifelong love. Tarhan said; “If the person we fall in love with is the right person for us, it becomes lifelong love. Is love a cause or a result in marriage? Generally, the current urban legend is that it is a cause. ‘Love + Good Cooperation = Love’ forms. If people cannot establish good cooperation, existing love evaporates. That's why being able to establish good cooperation is the real magic concept here. If love combines with cooperation, it can turn into lifelong love. In life, most people cannot establish good cooperation. The reason they cannot establish good cooperation is the narcissistic personalities we see most often now. If one of the parties is narcissistic, or if both parties are narcissistic, conflict arises. In such cases, there is no loyalty in these relationships. However, in bilateral relationships and marriage, there is a loyalty obligation. The loyalty obligation is very important in marriage.”
“Mental flexibility is important in relationships”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that attachment is one of human’s basic needs; “Secure attachment is the ideal, but when secure attachment is absent, anxious attachment occurs. In anxious attachment, when they fully come together, they abandon the attachment object. More important than personality structure is the mental flexibility of both parties in relationships. Individuals with mental flexibility can create new forms of relationships when problems arise on both sides. All of us have a living space where we grew up and were raised during our childhood. In that space, we have life scenarios such as mother, father, brother, older brother, sister. If a person has rigidity of thought, they place the other person into a certain role based on those life scenarios in their mind. They say, ‘My older brother was this kind of person, my father was this kind of person, you act that way too.’ In that case, people who get married rewrite their life scenarios according to new actors. That is, they need to rewrite the life scenarios they brought from their mother, father, and childhood. They will maintain their core personality but will produce new solutions according to the new situation. If a person writes their life scenarios this way, they will play their own role accordingly. If they can do this, they can navigate very comfortably.”
“If there is love and good intention, no relationship will fail”
Tarhan, speaking about relationship status scales in couple therapies, said; “There are three areas we research there. Is there mind-reading in the relationship? For example, one party looks at the other and thinks something they didn’t think, didn’t believe, or didn’t do, assumes they did it, and engages in mind-reading. They read intentions, believe them, and then react accordingly. This time, we score whether there is mind-reading even though the other party didn’t have such an intention. Secondly, we look at the expectation level. What is the expectation level like? There are unrealistic expectations from the other party or from oneself, and conflicts arise there too. Is there avoidance of intimacy or not? If there is love and good intention, no relationship or marriage will fail. Good intention and love are basic needs here. The thing that most often ends relationships in close relationships is a lack of empathy. If you were to fill a room with all bad behaviors, the door to it would be opened by a lack of empathy.”
“Resilience training develops people”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, emphasizing that the skill of delaying gratification should be taught in positive psychology, also stressed the necessity of resilience training in addition to delaying gratification. Tarhan said; “In resilience training, a person becomes hasty and impatient unless expected to. They say, ‘Let it be right now.’ It’s a universal emotion. This emotion is most prevalent in children. A preschool-aged child says, ‘Now and immediately.’ The child cries, and the mother gives in. The child then learns to ask by crying. However, when the child asks, the mother should say, ‘Okay, my child, finish your homework and I will give you what you want,’ but the mother must also keep her word. When this is done, the child finishes their homework and then receives it, leading to perseverance and resilience training. This develops the person. It creates a network in the frontal lobe.”
“Living with a stubborn person is truly the hardest”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, referring to three types of people, said; “The first is the sponge-type person, the second is the Teflon-type person, and the third is the rubber-type person. The sponge-type person always cries, is a complainer. They take all the burden upon themselves, are troubled and complainers. These are people in depression, depressed individuals, and anxious individuals. Teflon-type people, like Teflon pans, don’t burn themselves but burn whatever they touch. These egocentric people, who only think of their own interests, solve every event according to themselves. They are never bothered themselves but burn those around them. These people eventually become lonely. Because they are lonely, if they have power, a circle of fake friends and acquaintances forms around them. If their power is gone, they are left completely alone, and many commit suicide. The third type of people are rubber-type people. Rubber is elastic and returns to its original state. This is what we call cognitive flexibility, or mental flexibility. The opposite of this is rigidity of thought. The common name for rigidity of thought is stubbornness. That is why living with a stubborn person is truly the hardest. A stubborn person with mental flexibility learns something, stretches, relaxes, but returns to their original state after the event. Each time, they learn new things and return to their original state. That is why one needs to be like this in human relationships. We call those who can be flexible in relationships and return to their original state as having strong psychological resilience.”