Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, addressed the topic 'Boundaries of Parents on a Child's Life' in the program 'Akla Kapı with Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan' broadcast on Dost TV and Dost FM. Emphasizing how parents' attitudes towards children should be, Tarhan said, “Some mothers see their children as their own limbs. They say, ‘They will do whatever I say! It's not possible for them to do otherwise.’ This is completely taking them into tutelage. The child has no freedom at all.” Tarhan reminded that children should experience the natural consequences of their behavior and mistakes, and stated, “Being a good parent is not doing everything the child says, but preparing the child for life.”
“Some mothers see their children as their own limbs”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, explaining how parents' attitudes towards children should be, said, “Some mothers see their children as their own limbs. They say, ‘They will do whatever I say! It's not possible for them to do otherwise.’ This is completely taking them into tutelage. The child has no freedom at all. Now, this is true within the first year after a child is born. Because at that moment, the child doesn't know right from wrong, or even what is dangerous or not. A child reaches out to a stove because they don't know... They don't know it will burn them. In such situations, full guardianship is required up to 1 year of age. Up to 7-8 years of age, the child needs a consultant. After that, they need a guide. They will be a mentor. Their consultancy will continue. They will provide consultancy until adolescence. They will enable the child to learn by experience.”
“Being a good parent is not doing everything the child says, but preparing them for life”
Tarhan, stating that children should experience the natural consequences of their behavior and mistakes, said, “Being a good parent is not doing everything the child says, but preparing the child for life. Behaviors should be resolute, consistent, and continuous. The home will be an environment with rules. For example, if there's a mistake in a football match, a red card or yellow card is shown. In life, too, warnings are definitely needed. When you get into an argument with a child, the adults are the ones who lose. If you engage in ego wars, power struggles, you will lose. Therefore, you should say, 'This is your responsibility, you have responsibilities in this house, doing this is your duty, but if you don't do it, I'm noting it down.' The child will experience the natural consequence of their behavior, their mistake.”
“The ideal is the democratic parenting style”
Tarhan, stating that parents should use methods of persuasion, convincing, and making things appealing, said, “The ideal is the democratic family, the democratic parenting style. In a democratic parenting style, freedom is important. Freedom does not mean allowing everything. Freedom in a democracy is freedom with rules; it is not freedom that allows doing anything. The opposite of freedom is authoritarianism. It is forcing one's own opinion. If you force your own opinion on a child, you move them away from freedom. If a parent at this time forced their own opinion on their child, using pressure, threats, intimidation, or suppression, they move away from freedom. Parents need to make their children accept their ideas and truths through persuasion, convincing, and making things appealing. When this is done, the child learns what is right and good.”
“There must be freedom for learning to occur”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating that learning occurs more healthily in a free environment, said, “There must be freedom for learning to occur. The child must ask questions for learning to occur. If they praise, they should not praise the child's personality, but their behavior and efforts. If they criticize, they should not criticize the child's personality, but their behavior and efforts. When this happens, the child begins to learn the rules of life. They begin to learn the boundaries of life. The sign of civilization in life is not carving stone or polishing stone. The sign of civilization is putting a fence between one's own house and a neighbor's house. Imagine if there were no walls in a building. Everything would be in chaos. Humans also have social boundaries. Parents, society, and the environment teach social boundaries. The child needs to learn those social boundaries. Therefore, freedom is the first parameter.”
“Learning that secretes dopamine in the brain is permanent learning”
Tarhan, talking about the duties of parents to ensure permanent learning, said, “What is ideal? It is for the mother to stand by her child while they try to climb up. She says, 'You go up, if anything happens, I'll catch you.' The child falls, and she catches them instantly. It's the same in animals. It exists in bears; the cub rolls down from the snow, and the mother waits. She sees her cub stuck below but doesn't go. The cub sees its mother there and tries to climb. It rolls and eventually gets up on its own. When this happens, the child learns two things: First, they experience the pleasure of doing it on their own. Second, a bond of trust forms between them and their mother. Both secrete dopamine in the child. Learning with pleasure becomes permanent learning. Learnings that secrete dopamine in the brain are permanent learning. To teach by secreting dopamine in the child's brain, one needs to say, 'You're going to make your bed, come on, let's make it together.' The child will both say, 'I'm making my bed,' and enjoy the taste of collaborating with their mother. When they experience this, the child receives two rewards. Both the 'I did it' reward and the 'my mother is with me' reward, and dopamine is secreted in their brain, leading to permanent learning.”
“Evils are widespread like a virus”
Tarhan, stating that psychological resilience skills against evils should be taught, said, “If parents form a dual coalition, with the mother siding with one child and the father with another, there will be no peace in that home. Polarization and division will occur, and there will be constant tension. There will be no peace and happiness. If this situation occurs in the family, there will also be mistakes related to friendships. The role model is very important here. Because while there used to be 20 factors telling us what is good, right, and beautiful, now there are 20 factors telling us what is evil. There are only one or two factors telling us what is good and beautiful. We are in such a world. We cannot raise a child in a glass bubble in a world with microbes. If you do, they will get sick at the first opportunity. Currently, evils are widespread like a virus: lies, deceit, selfishness, self-interest, addiction, gossip... These are opportunities for education to explain good and evil. At this time, instead of protecting children from evil, we need to teach them psychological resilience, a psychological immune system, and psychological resistance against evils. They must be prepared and defended against evils. That is, evils exist, but we must teach children their shields. If they have their shields, do not be afraid.”
“We will make a mental investment and seek a formula”
Finally, Tarhan offered advice to parents, saying, “We will do our best. After that, we will rack our brains to make them better, more beautiful, how to draw my child towards good and beauty. We will make a mental investment and seek a formula. We will ask, 'How can I teach this child what is good and right?' After doing our best, the effort is ours, the victory is Allah's. That is, you will be at peace, and you will have fulfilled your duty to warn. After that, the peace that comes from that surrender will spread to both you and the child.”