In human relationships, non-verbal communication constitutes 80% of all communication. Stating that true love can be perceived by the other person's brain, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan expresses that love emerges when there is sincerity and emphasizes that one must correctly identify the object of their affection.
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, shared his evaluations regarding the concepts of love and loving.
The word love contains sincerity
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the word love contains sincerity and also a feeling felt towards the other person, adding, “When someone says ‘I love you,’ it actually implies a warm friendship and sincere feelings towards that person, an idea like ‘I am your friend.’ A feeling like ‘I will not harm you’ also emerges, which is why the feeling of love also encompasses friendship.”
The definition of love varies from person to person
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, ‘Muhabbet comes from the Arabic word ‘hub,’ meaning love. So, it has a core meaning. It’s a kind of core for all emotions,’ and continued his words as follows: “If we consider colors, for example, white exists on its own, but seven colors emerge from white. When we talk about the colors of love, we can think of a rainbow. If there is anger, grudge, hatred, love has diminished. For example, in the word ‘aşk’ (passionate love), love is most intense. It’s like a spectrum in between. In spousal love, there is attachment, and there is also a feeling of attraction. However, the definition of love changes from person to person. For example, when an enamored person is asked about love, they only speak of the object of their love. Life for that person consists solely of their loved one. When a capitalist person is asked what love is, they say it’s the customer paying more money, it’s me making a lot of profit.”
Romantic love exists in women
Tarhan pointed out that seeing eroticism as the sole object of love is especially observed in men, stating, “For individuals who feel erotic love, love is solely about sexuality. Romantic love is also observed in women. These two types need to be distinguished. In romantic loves, a strong attachment to the object of love is understood. There is also a higher love that contains meaning. For example, patriotism, divine love are loves that contain meaning. If a person can distinguish between types of love, then they can manage their love.”
The object of a newborn child's love is its mother
Tarhan stated that love is essentially a raw emotion that needs to be managed, saying, “It's the core emotion we call ‘habbe.’ If we nurture it well, it develops and spreads to all our cells. It makes us someone who can form warm relationships in human interactions. The object of a newborn child’s love is its mother. The child gets scared immediately after birth. Because the mother’s womb is a very comfortable space; everything comes ready. It doesn’t need to walk or strive. As soon as it’s born, cold air enters its lungs, and there’s a tremendous fear. Mother's love reduces that fear and creates trust. So, love is actually a person’s path to trust. If it doesn’t create trust, that love is conditional or interest-based. They are not called love in the classical sense. But ultimately, that too is an attraction, a pull.”
The emotion of love needs to be taught
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said that thought manages emotion and used the following expressions: “If negative thoughts come to a person frequently, we teach techniques and mental strategies to replace those thoughts with positive ones. In this way, when a person learns to manage their emotions, they manage the feeling of love, fear, and anger. Previously, from birth, parents and society taught this to people. But currently, social bonds have weakened or become very chaotic. For this reason, it is now necessary to teach this scientifically.”
Mirror neurons in the brain are activated
Tarhan stated that there is a correlation for love in the brain, saying, “For example, the scientific correlation for all emotions, like love, has been found. We have mirror nerve cells in our brains. Some of these cells are related to emotion. Even if a person who feels a strong emotion of love says nothing, the mirror cells in the other person's brain related to love for them are activated. In such a situation, the party who cannot express it also feels warmth towards the other party. That also brings love; brains communicate. For example, when a child goes to kindergarten, even if they don't know the language of the children there, they get along and play very well. They communicate through the language of emotion, not the language of words.”
Classical communication is limited to talking
Tarhan stated that non-verbal communication constitutes 80% of all communication in human relationships, saying, “When classical communication is mentioned, talking is understood. However, non-verbal communication is the transfer of emotion. Micro-expressions, tone of voice, subliminal emphases, and chosen words all constitute our non-verbal communication today, and we unconsciously create a positive or negative impact on the other party. There are currently studies on the neuroscience of sincerity. If the love in a person is truly sincere, the other person’s brain reads it. If it is not sincere but hypocritical love, even if an effect is created for a moment, that love does not last after a while. If there is sincerity, it becomes true love. Otherwise, in love, the other party’s interests and benefits are loved.”
Our feelings have been scientifically proven
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the first condition for allowing the love and the language of love in our brain to speak is intention, adding, “Intention has now become a subject of neuroscience. The brain acts differently in intended behavior versus unintended behavior. Therefore, the impact of someone with a sincere intention in love becomes a powerful persuader for the other party. It is also referred to as the neuroscience of persuasion. It is very important for love to be sincere and heartfelt. Previously, it was said that the human brain is something that thinks. Descartes said, ‘I think, therefore I am.’ He said thought was primary to being human. Descartes could not think ‘I feel, therefore I am.’ We can say ‘I feel, therefore I am’ instead of ‘I think, therefore I am,’ because our feelings have now also been scientifically proven. Therefore, the qualities that make us human are not just thought or just reason, but heart and emotions.”
Love is an emotion that develops the soul
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, ‘Progressing in love is actually also related to the evolution of the soul,’ and continued his words as follows: “Love is an emotion that develops our soul but also develops egoistic desires and impulses. Concrete pleasures and impulses are not love because they are related to basic needs. We can talk about eating, drinking, procreation, and sexuality. Abstract impulses are the evolution, development, and advancement of love. As soon as a child is born, it invests its love in its mother, siblings, father, family, the society it lives in, the homeland, humanity, and the creator. The more meaningfully a person invests their love in high values, the more it makes them human. In other words, what makes a person human is what they compare themselves to. It is the thought of what they are a part of. Whatever a person lives for, whatever the meaning in their life, whatever they strive for, that is a part of them. Therefore, a person's purpose in life is very important.”
The object of love must be correctly identified
Tarhan stated that love is an omnipotent concept that turns the universe, saying, “There are impossible loves and impossible passions. We can talk about the existence of platonic loves that are impossible to marry. A person burns and yearns for the person they platonically love, writes books and poems, but also suffers because it is impossible. There are also loves that cannot be sustained. For example, a person wishes their spouse would never die, and commits suicide when they die. People forget that the person they love is mortal, and they attach a high meaning to them. The most important thing is to correctly identify the object of love. A person loves their child for a different purpose, for a different reason; they love their spouse for a different reason; they love their homeland for a different reason. There are prejudices like ‘there will only be one love in one heart at a time.’ These are all wrong.”
Expressing love is seen as a flaw
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan continued his words by stating that there are various forms of expressing love: “Unfortunately, in our culture, we perceive expressing love as a flaw, a weakness. This is especially true in patriarchal cultures. This is actually Mesopotamian culture. Mesopotamian culture contains violence. In cultures that glorify obedience, it is said that you can use violence against those who do not obey. This approach combines love and obedience not as attachment, but as blind faith. That’s why love alone is not enough. When love plus thought, that is, emotion plus thought, combine, it becomes belief. When there is belief, the practice turns into action, but thought alone is not enough to believe. Emotion and thought need to combine. In the language of love in our culture, gift-giving, words of appreciation and approval are expressions of love. For example, saying, ‘You did something very well, good job (lit. health to your hands)’ is an expression of love. Those who love by acting are actually loving to alleviate their own feelings of guilt. They make a mistake and then buy a gift for their spouse. The spouse thinks her husband loves her. In reality, he is doing it for his own guilt. That’s why love should not be selfish. Another expression of love is sacrifice.”
Love is the power that turns the universe…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that sexual arousal in women is through physical contact, while in men it is through visual stimuli, and concluded his words as follows: “The male brain is activated visually, the female brain is activated tactilely. Married people are not two-eyed. They are four-eyed. There is a ‘we’ feeling. They don’t think as one person, they think as two people. Love is keeping a fire alive in the mind. Let’s constantly keep the fire of love in our minds alive and nurture it well. Let’s invest in love. Love is the power that turns the universe.”