Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, discussed the topic of “The Engagement Period in Marriage” on the “Akla Kapı with Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan” program broadcast on Dost TV and Dost FM. Tarhan stated that trust emerges from the combination of love and a healthy relationship, saying; “Before, we called marriage a nest of love; now we call it a nest of trust.” Tarhan, expressing that marriage is built on honesty, emphasized that responsibilities should be shared on the path to marriage.
“If there is goodwill on both sides, hearts warm up”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that when there is goodwill on both sides, hearts warm up to each other; “There is a saying during engagement: ‘Hasten in good deeds.’ Engagement is such a period. Postponing and delaying can always lead to situations where emotions and feelings dominate over logic. If both sides are 70-80 percent convinced and conditions are ready, there is no point in waiting. If conditions are not ready, if there is a necessity, if one is a student and will finish school, those are separate cases, but in such situations, a clingy relationship during engagement is not recommended. It should be a distant, respectful relationship. Because marriage is such that married individuals will be closer to their spouses than to their parents. The boundaries of intimacy with parents will not apply to the spouse. There is such a close and intense relationship. There are only special relationships, special togetherness, special shared experiences. Therefore, in this relationship, neither side can achieve 100 percent conviction. Both sides need to take action to be 70-80 percent convinced. If there is goodwill on both sides, hearts warm up and the process accelerates.” he said.
Love + Healthy Relationship = Trust
Tarhan, stating that trust emerges from the combination of love and a healthy relationship; “Before, we called marriage a nest of love; now we call it a nest of trust. ‘Love + Healthy Relationship = Trust’ is formed. If there is love but no healthy relationship, trust quickly declines. Therefore, love alone is not enough. With a healthy relationship, trust increases more. In a woman’s biological nature, romanticism is dominant in her brain, it works more actively. She wants to know she is loved. The right brain is the feminine brain. It is concerned with emotions, excitement, music, and art. The left brain is the masculine brain. It is concerned with logic, reasoning, analysis, and speech. The prefrontal cortex (front brain) balances the two. The feminine brain is the emotional brain. It tries to provide integrity. It is a complementary brain between logic and emotion. The female brain naturally works dominantly. The male brain, on the other hand, is naturally more results-oriented.” he said.
“The soul is the part that connects with Allah”
Tarhan emphasized that negative situations in relationships need to be analyzed in a healthy manner; “Usually, malicious feelings come to the forefront in engagement relationships. Every person has a good and a bad part within them. In our culture, in our belief system, the bad part is called ‘nafs’ (ego/lower self), and the good part is called ‘kalb’ (heart). The soul is the part that connects with Allah. Reason is the part that provides balance between these. Now, in such a situation, various ‘what ifs’ come to a person’s mind. Obsessions and delusions, like ‘waswas’ (whispers of evil/doubt), emerge. Such situations need to be analyzed healthily. If one makes a decision alone regarding a situation with their spouse, or if they decide with suspicion, they will make a mistake. They need to act based on evidence. They need to concretize it…” he said.
“Marriage is a journey taken together”
Tarhan stated that women should determine internal realities and men external realities; “Marriage is a journey taken together. In journeys taken together, the woman has the final say in internal reality. The man has the final say in external reality. Our culture has taught this. Currently, this is also the most beautiful and valid method. The man will not say, ‘The painting at home is crooked, the rug is like this, this place is like that,’ he will not interfere. There, the woman will provide her psychological satisfaction, ego satisfaction, the final decision at home, and the order at home. The man will give her that right. If he doesn’t give it, the woman feels like a slave, like a doormat. The man determines external reality. There is a matter concerning the car. Then he will leave it to his spouse. If such a thing occurs on both sides, a complementary leadership is formed in this marriage. It is managed together like a co-chair system. The obedience in our culture is understood as, 'After marriage, blindly obey the man!' That is no longer the case; that era is over.” he said.
The Valid Culture is ‘Family-Centered Culture’
Tarhan stated that the patriarchal culture is not a valid culture anymore; “Child-dominant culture is also not valid. The current culture is family-centered culture. The entire family will make decisions together. The benefit of the ship is more important than the benefit of the captain. The benefit of the ship is more important than the benefit of the majority of the crew, because if the ship sinks, everyone will sink. The benefit of a factory is more important than the benefit of the boss, the employer. It is also more important than the benefit of the employee. Therefore, individuals need to be able to make decisions that protect the factory. The benefit of marriage should also be based on common benefit and common sense, rather than the benefit of the man or the benefit of the woman. A marriage based on common sense works. A marriage not based on common sense, one that is only male-dominated or only female-dominated, does not work either. Something always goes wrong. The ability to make decisions together needs to be developed. This is the method of creating justice for this era. If the goal is justice, then the most important thing in healthy marriages is whether the balance of love and justice is maintained.” he said.
“Marriage is built on honesty”
Marriage is built on honesty. To say that things will change after marriage is skillfully deceiving ourselves. Humankind is very skilled at self-deception. Marriage brings new burdens, new responsibilities, and new relationship systems to a person. In such situations, saying “It will pass in marriage” is a completely blind action.” he said.
“In our culture, they share the burden”
Tarhan emphasized that responsibilities should be shared on the path to marriage; “For example, engaged couples go to a furniture store and squabble while choosing. This is a test before marriage. Now, there are things the other party can do, and things they cannot. There are things they can afford, and things they cannot. It is important to be able to empathize well. It is normal to want one’s home to be well and beautifully furnished, but to put them into long-term debt for it is also an injustice. If he has the power to do it, it is the man’s responsibility. It is his primary responsibility. So, we have a very nice tradition. It’s like the bride's side handles the engagement, and the groom's side handles the wedding. Like the woman furnishes the house, and the man buys the bedroom set. In our culture, they share the burden. They share the burden without realizing it, and there isn't a very big problem in such a situation. This has become a cultural tradition. It solves many problems. The fewer problems there are after marriage, the better the marriage is.” he said.