Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of preparing children for life, warns against overprotective and intrusive drone parenting! Tarhan stated, “Due to excessive protection and control, children do not develop decision-making and problem-solving skills. They constantly wait for someone to come and help them. However, there are realities of life, and parents cannot be by their side throughout their lives.”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan noted that when a child is raised unprepared for life, an individual emerges who lacks the power to cope with life's challenges, and added, “Excessive protection and control entered the literature after it was proven to be as harmful to a child as emotional abuse.”
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, addressed the topic of helicopter parenting.
Protecting children is understood as taking their place
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that protecting children is understood as taking their place, and as a result, this entered the literature as “Helicopter parenting,” and added, “This situation is also called ‘intrusive parenting.’ While examining childhood traumas, we investigate the causes of psychiatric illnesses in later ages. In the last 10 years, the item of excessive protection and intervention has been added to childhood traumas. This situation, which existed before, has recently become widespread, and when its negative consequences emerged with full evidence, a 6th item was added to a scale called CİTY (Childhood Trauma Questionnaires). This scale previously consisted of 5 items, but when excessive protection and intervention were added, the scoring system was also changed. Validity and reliability studies were also conducted in Turkey, and it began to be used.”
Emotional abuse destroys a child's sense of living in a safe world
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that the items of this scale are physical abuse, physical neglect, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, and overprotection, emphasizing that emotional abuse destroys a child's sense of living in a safe world and that such behaviors develop a feeling of distrust in anyone in children.
Prof. Dr. Tarhan also said that frightening a child, making threats like “I will burn you” or “I will kill you,” or saying “If you don't do this, I won't love you” falls within the scope of emotional abuse, and explained, “Here, you use love as a stick for the child. Likewise, you use fear as a stick. These behaviors create the idea in the child's developing world and soul that ‘life is unreliable and frightening,’ causing the child to develop a feeling of distrust in anyone. This situation is emotional abuse. This is leaving the child without love. Meeting a child's basic needs and giving them a tablet to leave them to their own devices all day also falls under emotional neglect. Even though you meet their physical needs, you cannot meet the child's emotional needs. This causes the child to feel very lonely and unhappy. Many illnesses are also seen to originate from this reason.”
Intrusive parents intervene more than necessary in a child's life
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that being overly protective and intrusive reflects the typical helicopter, drone parenting style, and said, “In this model, which we call intrusive parenting, parents show excessive interest in their children. They intervene more than necessary in all areas of the child's development and make decisions on behalf of their children. Without allowing children to have the ability to make their own decisions, they try to solve all kinds of difficulties and problems for them. As a result, children cannot develop problem-solving skills and cannot gain decision-making ability. These children become individuals who are more prone to addiction, have low self-confidence, and do not take risks in later ages. They exhibit a passive stance and act with herd mentality, living in learned helplessness. When a mother or father does everything for their children, the child thinks in their own small world: ‘So I am inadequate, I cannot do it, that's why they are doing it for me.’ This also causes the child to give up on themselves.”
Excessive protection and control harm children
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, pointing out the importance of preparing children for life, continued as follows:
“For example, a child enters adolescence, reaches 20-30 years old, becomes a 130-kilogram, lazy, unproductive, and unmotivated individual. At that point, we ask, ‘We gave this child love for two people, never denied them anything, did everything for them, yet why did they turn out like this?’ We see that due to excessive protection and control, the child has not developed decision-making and problem-solving skills. They constantly expect someone to come and help them. However, there are realities of life, and parents cannot be by their side throughout their lives. In such a situation, parenthood is not about making the child happy or cheerful at that moment, but about preparing them for life. When a child unprepared for life is raised, an individual emerges who lacks the power to cope with life's difficulties. This excessive protection and control entered and was written in the literature after it was proven to be as harmful to a child as emotional abuse.”
Leaving a child entirely to their own devices is also not right
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that helicopter parents also put excessive effort into their children's successes and have high expectations, and said, “For example, when a child gets 97 on an exam, they ask, ‘Why didn't you get 100?’ The mother also acts as a shield for the child. However, what is important here is to find the balance. It is not right to leave the child entirely to their own devices, nor to intervene in everything they do. Making decisions on behalf of the child is particularly harmful. I exemplify this situation as follows: On ships passing through the strait, there is a captain and a pilot. The captain operates the ship, while the pilot guides the ship; the pilot does not operate it. However, some mothers always take the helm, saying, ‘You step aside, you can't do it,’ and do everything themselves instead of the child. When this happens, the child's mental abilities such as decision-making, problem-solving, and psychosocial skills do not develop because they cannot engage in trial-and-error.”
These parents reach an obsessive level in their involvement with their children
However, Prof. Dr. Tarhan pointed out that these parents reach an obsessive level in their involvement with their children, and narrated, “They even consider this normal. For example, I know a father like this. He took his child out in a stroller, taking them for a walk. The mother was watching from the balcony. As the father walked the child, he suddenly took off his jacket and covered the child with it. When they returned home, the mother asked, ‘Why did you do that?’ The father replied, ‘A helicopter passed overhead, and I covered him because its wind might make him sick.’ This father is an overprotective father and sees this behavior as normal; he has even created his own rationale.”
These types of parents see themselves as perfect
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, noting that there are two important reasons for helicopter parenting, continued as follows:
“Firstly, these types of parents see themselves as perfect. They say, ‘I am perfect, my child must also be perfect.’ However, no one is perfect enough to control everything. No one is perfect enough to fully shape their child's soul. There are things a person is capable of, and things they are not. There are things they can control, and things they cannot. These individuals have a very high sense of control. They want to control everything. In psychiatry, this is called ‘God Complex,’ like stealing a role from God. They almost see themselves as God on Earth; they think they are that perfect. With good intentions, they want to raise their children perfectly. They raise their child this way by saying, ‘I am perfect, my child should also be perfect.’ This style is also somewhat narcissistic parenting. Perfectionism and narcissism coexist in these individuals.”
If a child has a sense of freedom, conflicts with parents begin
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that the second reason is that these individuals act out of fear, and added, “These individuals act with their fears. Their lives are not governed by facts but by fears. Such as, ‘Don't go there, you'll get sick,’ ‘Don't touch that, you'll get hurt,’ or ‘If you do this, you'll succeed; if you don't, you'll fail.’ They are always success or health-oriented. In whichever area they are sensitive and vulnerable, they develop fears in that area. Many children in this situation give in and become lazy. If a child has a sense of freedom, conflicts with parents begin. Things like running away from home, drug use... They can even develop an inverse identity; for example, if the parents are masculine, the child becomes feminine. They seek revenge on their parents by changing gender, becoming a trans individual. Children of such overly intrusive parents often give these kinds of reactions. These parents control everything and constantly give advice. Every morning breakfast is like a conference. Every encounter is a life lesson. The child remembers lessons when they see their mother. These mothers are like teachers. They suppress the child's personality, developing a parenting style that obsessively tries to maintain obedient behaviors. The rate of depression is also very high in these children later in life.”
Narcissistic parents do not change!
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that in our society, there are generally sayings like ‘he became a man when he went to the military’ or ‘he became a man when he went to boarding school,’ and stated, “Because when a child moves away from their parents, they learn to take control of their own life. When they return, they start to manage themselves, and if the parents are mature, they accept this situation. However, narcissistic parents do not change; they go so far as to even disown their child. There are such extreme cases. However, some parents step back when they see their child happy. In such cases, expert help is necessary.”
Parents must give their children opportunities
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, also addressing the topic of positive parenting, stated the following:
“When such parents come to us, we first ask: Why do this mother or father constantly focus on the child's negative aspects? They don't see the child's 90 good qualities but rather one mistake and try to correct it. In positive parenting, the goal is to see the child's positive aspects and support the child through these aspects. When you strengthen the positive instead of correcting the negative, the child's character and personality traits largely improve. Parents must give their children opportunities. A child may learn about life and make some mistakes. But if they don't feel safe at home, if they think they will constantly be criticized and reprimanded, they cannot find peace at home. If parents practice positive parenting, when the child comes home, they see it as a refuge and feel at peace. No matter what mistakes they make outside, they return home, and it is important for them to be happy at home. However, this does not mean saying ‘yes’ to everything the child says. Parents should say: ‘My daughter/son, I don't think like you. This is the right way, but if you do it this way, you will bear the consequences. My duty is to warn you.’ This kind of approach is especially important when the child enters adolescence. Before adolescence, parents should say ‘no’ with their reasons. They should not impose merely by saying, ‘I am the mother, whatever I say is right.’ When they say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ with reasons, the child learns about life. Even if they are angry at the moment, they might say later, ‘You guided me well in this.’ Motherhood and fatherhood actually mean being a guide, being a companion on life's journey. Not taking the child's place. Helicopter mothers, however, take the child's place. They are well-intentioned, they love their children, even too much. But like all excesses, this also has negative consequences for the child.”
Motherhood and fatherhood are not innate talents
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that generally, if these children have had opportunities to develop themselves, they act more consciously when raising their own children later on, and concluded his words by saying, “They see their own parents' mistakes and try not to repeat them. However, some, on the contrary, say, ‘My mother and father did this to me’ and do not care about their child at all. They adopt an attitude as if to say, ‘Do whatever you want.’ This is also an inverse approach. Therefore, it is necessary today to invest in parenting roles such as motherhood and fatherhood. Motherhood and fatherhood are not innate talents; they are not genetic. Motherhood can be genetic as an emotion and inclination, but motherhood and fatherhood practices are learned. These are cultural. Motherhood and fatherhood can be biological, but it is important not only to grow the child in the womb but also in the heart. Children need to be guided on their life path. In life, the child must take the wheel of their own life. However, if the mother does not give the opportunity, the child cannot steer the ship of life. We will give them opportunities but guide them. If a child makes mistakes, they learn to navigate the ship of life knowing that their mother and father are by their side. They need guidance when taking the wheel of life, but this guidance should offer them the opportunity to act independently.”