Tarhan's '6S Formula' for a Strong Family

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, participated in a talk organized by MÜSİAD Gaziantep Branch. Under the title “Strong Family, Strong Generation,” Tarhan drew attention to the importance of family in individual and societal life, emphasizing that a strong family structure is supported by values such as love, compassion, respect, patience, sincerity, responsibility, and loyalty. Tarhan also touched upon the importance of friendship, trust, and mental flexibility in marriage, and pointed out the decisive role of parental example and emotional closeness in children's development.  

The talk held at the MÜSİAD Gaziantep Branch Association Building garnered significant interest.

Emine Yağmur moderated the talk. 

The program began with opening speeches

Furkan Özdurdu, Chairman of MÜSİAD Gaziantep Branch, who delivered the opening speech of the program, began with the noble hadith of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH): ‘The best among you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best to my family.’ Özdurdu drew attention to the importance of a strong family structure in raising healthy generations and emphasized the decisive role of love, respect, trust, and communication within the family in children's personality development. He stated that protecting and strengthening the institution of family is a significant investment in the societal future. 

“The DNA of the family has been globally corrupted”

Highlighting the strong position of the family in human life, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, President of Üsküdar University, stated that the family is still the first source of trust an individual turns to, especially in difficult times. Tarhan said; “Currently, despite everything, the family is strong. When we ask students coming to Üsküdar University, ‘Who do you call when you're in a tight spot, when you're in a difficult situation in life?’, it's always the family. That’s still the case, but it has weakened globally. A strong family means a person's refuge. What is a refuge? It means a safe harbor during a storm. What is the refuge for ships? It is a safe harbor. If the family is a safe harbor, then it becomes a strong family. The family being a safe harbor... Just as there are nearly a hundred trillion cells in the body, and these cells form the body, families form society. So, every family is like a cell in the body, a fundamental building block of the body, like the foundation stone of a building. When that is broken, the building is broken. When that cell dies, when the cell's DNA is corrupted, the whole body gets sick. The DNA of the family has been globally corrupted.”

Love + Honesty + Cooperation = Lifelong Love

Tarhan explained the values underlying a strong family through the “6S formula,” stating that these values not only strengthen relationships within the family but also nurture feelings of trust and commitment. Tarhan said; “In a strong family, there is a 6S formula. First is love, but there is something greater than love, which we call unconditional love, selfless love, love with empathy. Compassion. Greater than love. Because a person loves someone but loves them for their benefit, and when that benefit is gone, love ends. However, love with empathy loves the person as they are. Second is patience. Patience is not just withdrawing and enduring, but active patience. That is, patience in action. Patience is a meditative act. Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. Third is respect. If love is water, respect is its container, defining its boundaries. It defines the boundaries in relationships. There is also a greater form of respect, which is politeness, respect with empathy. Sometimes people show respect out of fear, but politeness involves the feeling of not hurting. It involves knowing the rights and feelings of the other person. Fourth is sincerity, for example. If you are sincere, it creates a feeling of trust; mirror neurons speak in our brains. There are motor mirror neurons; when you raise your arm and the other person looks at you, the area related to their arm also activates in their brain. If you have a sincere, warm feeling, mirror neurons are activated in the other person's brain, and happiness and anti-stress hormones are secreted. Fifth is responsibility. I liken it to H2O. Hydrogen and oxygen float freely in the atmosphere; they are free, but they come together, become H2O, become water. Their freedom decreases, but they become a new source of life. The sixth S is the obligation of loyalty. In marriage, loyalty is often perceived as being unique to women, but the obligation of loyalty exists for both parties. In Arabic, loyalty has two meanings. One is ‘sidq,’ meaning truthfulness, and the second is in the sense of attachment. That is, for attachment to exist, truthfulness is necessary. Love plus honesty plus cooperation equals lifelong love. This can be called a short formula.”

“The biggest bomb within the family is the narcissism bomb”

Tarhan drew attention to the importance of establishing a relationship of friendship and trust beyond mere companionship in marriage; “The word 'dost' (close friend/confidant) has no direct equivalent in English. In English etymology, they say ‘close friend,’ a near friend, but the word ‘dost’ is not like that. The word ‘dost’ has entered Turkish from Persian. Marriage has a companionship dimension and a friendship dimension. This is the dimension that adds depth to marriage. How do we understand ‘dostluk’ (true friendship/companionship)? Is someone readily accessible when you are in a difficult situation? If we speak disparagingly to our spouse, there is no deep relationship there. That is why the biggest bomb within the family is the narcissism bomb. In narcissism, one says ‘I know, I am good, I am superior,’ desires a master-slave relationship, and sees their spouse as a slave. Both women and men do this. Narcissism is currently a global epidemic from both sides. A book called ‘The Narcissism Epidemic’ was published in the USA. There is an epidemic level of narcissism, especially among young people. Narcissism means individuals whose largest organ is their ego. A characteristic of true friendship is speaking well of the person you love behind their back, praising them in their absence. If someone protects their back, defends them behind their back, and is accessible, we call this ‘secure attachment.’ We used to call the family a ‘nest of love,’ now we call it a ‘nest of trust.’ Because the greatest effect of love is increasing trust and reducing fear. Otherwise, one loves, is in love, but suffocates. That's not love. It must be love that creates trust.” he said.

“The most important thing in marriage is mental flexibility”

Tarhan drew attention to the importance of creating common ground for compromise and mental flexibility in marriage, rather than expecting parties to conform to each other's conditions; “The most important thing in marriage is what we call ‘cognitive flexibility,’ or mental flexibility. There is a golden mean rule in marriage. One person takes a step, the other takes a step, and they meet at the golden mean. If one always says, ‘Comply with my conditions,’ this is enslaving the other party; it's a master-slave relationship. Here, compromise where both parties agree at the golden mean is important. There is a study by the University of Nebraska on happy marriages, which identified three characteristics. Spending time together. Words of appreciation, praise, and approval. Families who go to church together. That is, people whose outlook on life and life philosophies were similar. Therefore, it is essential to be flexible in relationships.” he stated. 

Children emulate their mother, father, and the relationship between them…

Tarhan emphasized that in children's development, in addition to the mother and father, the relationship between the parents also plays a decisive role; “A child primarily emulates three things. Their mother, their father, and the relationship between them. So, if these three are well-balanced, the child, growing up with a good example in that environment, automatically learns many things. But nowadays, the family used to transmit culture to our children, now social media does. It's the open door of the house. The digital world does it, screens do it. In Northern Europe, screens have been banned for children aged 0-3. This is because the myelin sheath, which provides the network in the brain and forms pathways, is not yet developed in these children, leading to digital autism and delayed speech in children. Based on this, they say, ‘Do not give screens to children aged 0-3.’ The child even makes a swiping motion on the screen with their finger in their dreams. This damages the pathways in the child's brain. Therefore, this digital exposure is very important.” he said.

“Children's brains are nourished by love and emotions”

Tarhan stated that the balance of freedom and responsibility in children's development process should be established in an age-appropriate manner; “Each age of a child has different freedoms and responsibilities. Let's say a girl child is helping her mother, cooking, setting the table; she will feel like a victorious commander. A child who has just started walking, for example, tries to climb onto a chair. What do our mothers do? They immediately hug the child and lift them onto the chair. The child learns nothing but rejoices, yet gets used to everything being served on a silver platter. In European culture, it's the opposite. They say, ‘Let them fall, get up, climb on their own,’ and pay no attention. This time, the child learns individualism, but the mother-child, father-child bond remains weak. The ideal is to stand by the child and give them the confidence, ‘Look, my child, you climb, if anything happens, I will hold you.’ When the child climbs up, they will rejoice like a victorious commander, tasting success. For example, pay attention to whom children take their first steps towards during the 11-12 month period when they first start walking. The child takes their first steps towards the person who excites them the most, with whom they have the strongest emotional bond. It is the emotional closeness of the parents that motivates children. Children's brains are nourished by love and emotions.” he explained.

“A good marriage is one of the gardens of paradise on earth”

Tarhan emphasized that a problem-free relationship is not always possible in marriage, but the value of a peaceful marriage should be appreciated; “A family where everything runs smoothly is not possible. In any case, marriage is compatible with human biological nature. A good marriage is one of the gardens of paradise on earth. Lack of problems can sometimes also be a problem. If there is a peaceful marriage, one should be grateful. Some people thrive on conflict and tension, feeling relieved when they cause a fight. Even with the most difficult people, one should not forget this: Humanity is like a palace with a hundred doors. Even if 99 doors are closed, there is always an open door. Instead of forcing and breaking that door, one should try the other doors and find the language they understand.” he stated.