Risk in relationships begins when emotional distance widens…

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, was a live guest on STAR TV's program “Asuman Krause ile Hayat Güzeldir”. Tarhan made evaluations on relationships, family communication, and child-rearing, emphasizing that trust, open and transparent communication, and mutual sacrifice form the basis of healthy relationships. Noting that infidelity often begins with the widening of emotional distance, Tarhan explained the importance of building a bridge of trust within the family and resolving problems through healthy communication. Stating that children learn problem-solving and communication skills from their family experiences, Tarhan expressed that parents should prepare children for life rather than just making them happy, give them responsibilities at an early age, and appreciate their efforts more than their personalities.

“The brain is nourished by appreciation, approval, and praise” 

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, stated that emotional distance plays an important role in the emergence of infidelity. Tarhan said; “When we ask the question ‘Why does infidelity happen?’, usually, emotional distance widens first. When emotional distance widens, a person starts telling their personal problems to someone else while forming a normal friendship. They receive approval from the other party. They get the approval they couldn't get from their close ones in intimate relationships, and it's more comforting... The brain is nourished by appreciation, approval, and praise. It sees that. After seeing this, after a while, it starts gradually. Even if it's not immediately physical infidelity, there is emotional infidelity. That emotional infidelity can turn into physical infidelity after a while. This is usually very closely related to the wounding of the emotional bond. After such infidelity occurs in relationships, it is difficult to repair.”

“Risk begins when emotional distance widens”

Tarhan pointed out that trust issues can also arise in relationships after infidelity; “In infidelity, there is a trust issue. One starts to think, ‘My spouse isn't interested in me like before, doesn't make time for me, I wonder if there’s someone else in their life?’ Before marriage, there is romance. Romance happens, they marry, a child is born. After the child is born, motherhood, the mother starts to focus more on the child. Motherhood becomes dominant. The man also starts to focus more on his work. The time they spend together decreases, the quality of the relationship weakens. When it weakens, emotional distance widens. When it widens, risk has begun.” he stated.

“There should be a horizontal coalition within the family”

Explaining the importance of trust and healthy communication in family relationships, Tarhan said; “There needs to be a relationship where you feel safe with the other party. There must be a bridge of trust between you. That is, the person needs to have the feeling, ‘My spouse never speaks against me, always speaks in my favor.’ If there is the feeling, ‘My spouse always speaks against me here and there,’ it means trust has weakened. For example, there are spouses, male or female, who go and confide in their child, badmouthing the father, confiding in them. A child cannot be a confidant. In this case, the child's bond with the father or, conversely, with the mother weakens. There should be a horizontal coalition within the family. A parent-parent coalition. If a mother forms a coalition with one child, and a father with another, it becomes a vertical coalition, leading to polarizations. In a horizontal coalition, parents will resolve their problems among themselves, and children will resolve their problems among themselves. Children will also argue among themselves, and if they can't resolve it, they will come to the parents together saying, ‘We couldn't resolve this issue.’ This way, children learn problem-solving. Otherwise, if in a small matter, they say, ‘Mom, my big brother did this,’ ‘Dad did that,’ in such vertical coalitions, if the mother takes one child's side and the father takes another's, there will be no peace in that home.”

“We see every event as an opportunity for learning”

Emphasizing that children primarily learn problem-solving, stress management, and communication skills from their family experiences, Tarhan said; “Humans have three types of relationship styles: problem-solving, stress management, and what we call ‘communication style,’ meaning they need to learn their relationship style. If a child has developed skills in these three methods, they can easily solve a problem when it arises. This is learned through experiences. A problem occurs, and the child observes how it is solved. The child learns from this. So, we see every event as an opportunity for learning. When we see it as an opportunity for learning, it’s not about ‘letting the event not happen’ but being able to say, ‘What did this event teach us?’ We used to call the family a nest of love, now we call it a nest of trust. If there is trust, problems are solved more easily. And for trust, an open, transparent relationship is necessary.”

“Both sides will make sacrifices…”

Stating that for a healthy relationship to be sustained, both sides must take responsibility and consider each other's love language, Tarhan said; “In a relationship, both sides will try to build a bridge of trust. The rule of the golden mean will be applied. One side will take a step, and the other side will take the next. If steps are always taken unilaterally, it won't work. Both sides will make sacrifices. For example, there are love languages such as appreciation, praise, and approval. The praise here must be realistic praise. It must be grounded praise. We should not praise their personality, but rather their behavior and efforts. If we praise their personality, their ego will inflate. Sacrifice is also one of the love languages. Another love language is physical touch, hugging. Physical touch releases oxytocin in women, which is one of the pleasure and happiness hormones.”

“One needs to give the child an opportunity to get to know life”

Tarhan emphasized the importance of parents giving their children responsibilities at an early age and preparing them for the realities of life; “Parents should not leave emotional and psychological superiority to the child. It is not right to do everything the child says just to develop their self-confidence. It is necessary to teach the balance of freedom and responsibility at a young age. It is necessary to give responsibilities at a young age, to teach them to take on some of the family's burdens. If the child does not learn these, they will start living as if everyone owes them in later life. Everyone starts thinking ‘everyone should do what I say.’ They become the boss of the house. When they are the boss of the house, they may have influence at home, but real life is not like that. They go to school and see that no one does what they want, and they become isolated. Narcissistic injury occurs, and they blame everyone this time. The child rejects school. Incompatibility occurs, which is the biggest cause of communication problems. That is, parenthood is not about making the child happy, but about preparing the child for life. How can the child be self-sufficient in the future? They need to be prepared for this. For this, the child needs to take on responsibilities appropriate for their age at a young age. They need to experience the difficulties of their age. Therefore, one needs to give the child an opportunity to get to know life.”

“We should praise the child's effort, not their personality”

Tarhan noted that in the development of children's self-confidence, it is their efforts, not their personalities, that should be appreciated, and they should be given responsibilities at an early age; “We will praise the child's effort, not their personality. You send them to the grocery store, have them buy bread. You watch from the balcony so nothing happens to them. The child comes back, having stumbled and fallen, happy like a victorious commander. Moreover, in our culture, when a child starts walking, they try to climb onto a couch. In our culture, we immediately pick them up and put them on. But then the child doesn't learn anything. What is recommended there is to stand by the child. If they try to climb, stand next to them and say, ‘If you fall, I will catch you. Go ahead, try to climb.’ The mother-child relationship is not damaged, and because the child climbs by their own effort, they learn to manage themselves. We need to find the right middle ground here. We need to give small responsibilities.”

Advice from Prof. Tarhan…

Finally, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that trust, openness, and honesty are at the core of healthy and sustainable relationships; “The most important thing in relationships is to be open, transparent, trustworthy, and accountable. If this happens, trust is formed. We can say that love plus honesty equals trust, and trust plus good cooperation equals love.”