Prof. Tarhan: “Mature parents evaluate based on process, not outcome.”

Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, President of Üsküdar University, was a live guest on STAR TV's program 'Life is Beautiful with Asuman Krause'. Tarhan made striking statements under the heading 'Youth, Choices and Family', emphasizing that parents can put pressure on children during this process, and that parents should evaluate their children not only by their results, but also by the effort they put in. Tarhan pointed out that expectations can sometimes clash, adding that mature parents can make evaluations based on process, not outcome. 

“Maturing amidst abundance is more difficult”

Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, President of Üsküdar University, stated that today's youth are growing up in a consumer culture and a fast-paced lifestyle, and that learning to cope with life's difficulties is possible through responsibilities given from an early age. Tarhan said: “Globally, speed, pleasure, and ambition are the biggest things of this era. The most important thing that consumer culture and modern culture add to people is this haste, impatience, and the desire to achieve results without effort... Past generations had to mature amidst hardship, while current generations have to mature amidst abundance. Maturing amidst abundance is more difficult. They obtain many things easily. In such situations, because they obtain things easily, they always want it to be that way, but the realities of life are not like that. Life's trajectory does not always go upwards. There are ups and downs, storms, and crises. Young people need to learn to adapt to new situations in the face of these crises. They will learn this too. Until the age of 15, parents are primarily responsible. After the age of 15, they should act with the understanding, ‘I have brought you to this age, from now on you must be the captain of your own ship.’ This is taught to the child through responsibilities given from an early age. Small responsibilities like helping at home, supporting parents, are a great achievement for a child, especially before the age of 10. Thanks to this success, the child feels valued, develops a sense of belonging, and gains self-confidence. The feeling of ‘I can do it’ is formed this way. Today, there are also overly controlling parents. In fact, excessive control and protection have been added to the childhood trauma scale, alongside physical and emotional neglect and abuse. This is now also considered trauma,” he said.

“Children have started to become the leader of the home in recent years”

Tarhan stated that it is not a correct approach to put children in a decision-making position; “The child is asked, ‘What is your opinion, what should we do about this?’ But that child is not mentally mature enough to make those decisions. It is necessary to act as a pilot, telling them the pros and cons, explaining that if they decide this way, it will turn out this way, and if they decide that way, it will turn out that way. Today, some parents act as the captain instead of the child. We used to call them helicopter parents; now we call them drone parents. A child raised this way grows like a greenhouse flower. They break with a small breeze, becoming fragile. The parents' duty is not to make the child happy, but to prepare the child for life. It is to raise a strong individual. Overprotective parents cannot teach their children to overcome difficulties and solve problems. The child thinks, ‘My mom will solve it anyway, my dad will solve it.’ When they face the realities of life, they either become lazy or have low self-confidence. They always feel the need to consult others. They cannot be leaders, and their autonomy does not develop. However, routine responsibilities at an early age, such as tidying their room, making their bed, and brushing their teeth, develop both fine and gross motor skills as well as sensory skills. Each of these is a small but very valuable achievement for the child,” he said.

“Environment and social interaction are very important”

Tarhan stated that the secure attachment formed in the early years is crucial for the child's personality development; “The human brain is born neuropsychologically premature. This is called epigenetics. Genetics determines our eye color and height, but a large part of our personality is shaped by epigenetic processes. Environment and social interaction are therefore very important. As the functioning of the brain is understood, the invaluable role of parents in a child's life has also become better understood. The first 0-3 years are incredibly vital. The child needs to be able to form an emotional bond with the mother. There are examples of 'nursery sickness' related to this. Children are given all kinds of care, but because the caregiver constantly changes, a basic sense of trust does not develop. The child perceives, ‘Life is not safe.’ They want the mother's scent, her touch. The mother or the person replacing the mother needs to establish a consistent, stable, and continuous relationship. If this happens, the child says, ‘Life is safe,’ and begins to explore life. They fall, get up, play, and learn. We sometimes mistake a child spilling water as mischief, but in reality, the child is testing the development of their muscles against gravity,” he said.

“Material prosperity increased, but psychological well-being is declining”

Tarhan, pointing out that despite modern life increasing material possibilities, psychological well-being has not strengthened to the same extent, emphasized the importance of secure attachment in child development. Tarhan said: “Material prosperity increased, but psychological well-being is declining. We see many examples of this around the world. Despite many crises in families, the out-of-wedlock birth rate in Turkey is at 2.9 percent. In countries like Sweden, Norway, and Iceland, this rate is much higher. These children are tried to be raised with scientific methods in daycare centers, but no care can replace that of a mother. Because caregivers can change, the child cannot develop the same sense of trust. When a secure attachment is not formed, it has negative effects on the child's development,” he said.

“One of the biggest mistakes is making the child the leader of the home”

Tarhan stated that raising children with an overly protective approach can lead to adjustment problems in the long term; “One of the biggest mistakes is making the child the leader of the home. Raising them as the little monarch, the little boss of the house. Raising a child in a bubble is not parenthood. Children raised in a sterile environment, protected from falling, getting hurt, or getting sick, struggle when they encounter the realities of life. Just as children are vaccinated against diphtheria, whooping cough, and tetanus, a 'stress vaccine' is also needed. Children will fall, get up, experience, and learn. Parents will give them opportunities, allow them to make mistakes, but also set boundaries. Children without boundaries can become narcissistic instead of self-confident. These behaviors, tolerated at a young age, can turn into adjustment problems against parents and later society in later years. Because the outside world is not as compassionate as parents, these children are left alone and struggle to adapt to life,” he said.

“Routine and rhythm give a person trust”

Tarhan stated that a predictable life routine plays an important role in children and adults feeling secure, and added that the sense of justice also forms the basis of a trustful environment. Tarhan said: “Routine and rhythm give a person trust. If there is a routine in a place, it becomes predictable. The biggest characteristic of the human brain is its inability to tolerate uncertainty and unpredictability. It perceives this as a threat. The amygdala region of the brain goes into alarm in such situations and gives a false alarm. When there is uncertainty and unpredictability, the brain works in a defensive state, not wanting to take risks, avoiding them. The most important reason for uncertainty, fear, and insecurity is unpredictability. If there is a rule-bound environment, a person feels secure. If a person is sure that nothing unlawful will happen to them when they are taken to the police station, and that the law will operate when they appear in court, a sense of trust develops. Similarly, within the family, if there is a predictable and fair distribution, trust develops. When there is no fair distribution, and one sibling is given privilege while another is treated differently, the person begins to live in a defensive state, thinking they will be discriminated against,” he said.

“We need to evaluate our children based on process, not outcome”

Tarhan, pointing out that family tensions experienced during preference periods can put pressure on children, stated that parents should evaluate their children not only by their results, but also by the effort they put in. Tarhan said: “The scores have been announced. This year, children achieved very high net scores in the questions. With so much success, scores became very close to each other, but success rankings dropped. While the child thought, ‘I scored this many correct answers, I'll get into this department,’ suddenly their success ranking was lower than expected. Because of this, crises are experienced between parents and children during the preference period. Sometimes they can't even make a choice for two or three days. After a while, a balance is achieved. Here, the parents' expectations clash with the child's expectations. A mature parent asks, ‘We shouldn't evaluate our child based on outcome, we need to evaluate them based on process. Did you study this much in this many days?’ If the child has shown their best effort with a sense of responsibility, saying, ‘Why didn't this happen?’ lowers their self-confidence and makes them feel inadequate,” he said.

“The most damaging thing to relationships is rigidity of thought”

Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of healthy communication in human relationships, stated that stubbornness and lack of communication are among the most debilitating factors in both family and close relationships. Tarhan said: “The most damaging things to relationships are rigidity of thought and stubbornness. It is the greatest enemy of human relationships. There are behaviors that destroy relationships, which Gottman, one of the important theoreticians of couples therapy, called the 'four horsemen of the apocalypse'. One of these is stubbornness, one is constantly being defensive, one is devaluing the other party, and the other is lack of communication. There are three types of communication: healthy communication, conflicted communication, and lack of communication. The worst of these is lack of communication. Because you are now ignoring the person in front of you. In conflicted communication, at least there is some effort. In lack of communication, there is silence, but this is not a healthy silence. Everything falls apart in the first major crisis. In fact, crises do not immediately destroy people; they make errors and shortcomings visible. If managed correctly, individuals emerge stronger from crises. At the moment of anger, the feelings we call the ‘five horsemen of darkness’ – resentment, anger, hatred, jealousy, and hostility – are activated in the brain. These emotions cause the secretion of acid-like chemicals in the brain. When prolonged, the immune system is suppressed. The brain secretes excessive cortisol during intense stress. As a result, the immune system weakens, and some diseases that the body kept under control may reappear. At the same time, tension occurs in the shoulder, neck, back, and lower back muscles, and conditions like fibromyalgia can be observed,” he said.

Staying in the moment is very important…

Tarhan also spoke about practical methods that can be applied in anger management, stating that techniques that allow a person to stay in the moment are effective in reducing the brain's stress response. Tarhan said: “There is an effect called the 'diver's reflex'. Splashing cold water on the face both stimulates the secretion of growth factors in the brain and helps the body give a relaxation response against stress. Apart from this, another metaphor we use to manage anger is to activate the five senses, which helps to stay in the moment. Being close to nature or imagining nature, holding a comforting object in hand, listening to a pleasant sound, taking in a nice scent, and being able to say, ‘Stay in the moment,’ while doing these are important. When a person makes this a habit, they focus on the present moment instead of negative thoughts from the past when they get angry. They shift their focus of attention by saying, ‘Today, thankfully, I have my limbs, many things are in place. This is enough for me. I will handle this issue later.’ Thus, acute anger begins to subside. Because during anger, the amygdala region takes control and gives a false alarm. Staying-in-the-moment techniques help to brake this region of the brain,” he said.