Psychiatrist Nevzat Tarhan stated that the combination of narcissistic personality traits, Machiavellianism, and antisocial tendencies is referred to as the “dark triad,” and emphasized: “When these three come together, they behave like a cancer cell. A cancer cell is limitless, irresponsible, and insatiable. It only enlarges itself and consumes its surroundings. Toxic personalities are the same. They do not empathize; they only say ‘it’s all about me.’ If you do not set boundaries, toxic personalities grow.”
Prof. Tarhan noted that toxic individuals enslave people through different methods, saying: “Some do it by praising, some by scolding, some by violence. However, even though the method changes, the goal is the same: to control the other person.”
President of Üsküdar University and Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan discussed toxic personalities and relationships on the Akla Ziyan program broadcast on EKOTOTÜRK TV.
“Snake venom is medicine in the right dose; too much kills”
Drawing attention to the risks toxic personalities pose in both personal relationships and social life, Prof. Tarhan said: “Snake venom can be medicine at the right dose, but too much of it kills. Some traits in human character are the same. When used appropriately and in moderation, they can be beneficial; when used manipulatively, they become toxic.”
The bully–victim dynamic emerges
Emphasizing that manipulation is at the forefront of toxic relationships, Prof. Tarhan stated: “A relationship that appears normal becomes toxic once manipulation begins. In such relationships, there is a bully and a victim. Bullies choose their targets carefully, manipulate them, and exert pressure. Some do this intentionally, while others do it unconsciously as part of their character. We are talking about two types of personalities: those who manipulate deliberately and those who do so because they believe it is right.”
Cluster B personalities lack empathy
Pointing to personality disorders, Prof. Tarhan said: “Especially Cluster B personalities carry risks. Narcissistic, antisocial, histrionic, and paranoid personality disorders pave the way for toxic relationships. The common trait of these personalities is a lack of empathy. Their egos are very high, and they are closed to criticism. They perceive criticism as a threat and immediately divide people into friends and enemies. When such individuals are in decision-making positions, serious danger arises.”
The dark triad behaves like a cancer cell
Explaining the concept further, Prof. Tarhan said: “The combination of narcissistic personality traits, Machiavellianism, and antisocial tendencies is called the dark triad. When these come together, they act like a cancer cell. A cancer cell is limitless, irresponsible, and insatiable. It only grows itself and consumes its environment. Toxic personalities are the same. They do not empathize; they only say ‘it’s all about me.’ In the body, the immune system sets limits on cancer cells and stops them. The same method applies in human relationships: if you do not set boundaries, toxic personalities grow.”
Intent analysis is essential
Prof. Tarhan emphasized that the most critical point in dealing with toxic personalities is intent analysis, stating: “Is a person manipulating intentionally, or because they genuinely believe they are right? This distinction must be made. Just as in law there is a difference between intentional and negligent crime, those who manipulate deliberately require much greater caution.”
Those who cannot say ‘no’ get sick
Highlighting that toxic relationships within families can lead to severe psychiatric conditions, Prof. Tarhan shared a case: “A woman with three children came to us with severe depression. She was living with her mother-in-law, who was well-intentioned but controlled the entire household. The husband always sided with his mother. The woman never set boundaries and constantly made sacrifices. Eventually, she developed severe depression and had to be hospitalized. The issue was not the mother-in-law, but the woman’s inability to set boundaries. This is what we call the self-sacrifice schema and compassion fatigue.”
There is no freedom to harm oneself
Emphasizing that self-sacrifice is culturally glorified but neglecting one’s mental health is unacceptable, Prof. Tarhan said: “In our culture, there is a saying that ‘the woman builds the home.’ But if a person ignores their own rights and constantly makes concessions just to avoid conflict, they eventually become ill. Just as a person has no freedom to harm others, they also have no freedom to harm themselves. Therefore, the most important protection mechanism in toxic relationships is the ability to set boundaries.”
Toxic personalities enslave through different methods
Reiterating this point, Prof. Tarhan said: “Some enslave by praising, some by scolding, some by violence. But regardless of the method, the aim is the same: to control the other person.”
Antisocials use violence, narcissists enslave through praise
Giving concrete examples, Prof. Tarhan continued: “People with high egos use different methods. A narcissistic personality praises and glorifies their spouse, then says, ‘You will do everything I want,’ establishing a master–slave relationship. Others belittle their spouse, destroy their self-confidence, push them into depression, and present it as ‘I did it for your own good.’ One enslaves through praise, another through humiliation. Antisocial personalities are different still; they lack social norms and compassion, are skilled at crime, and readily use violence.”
Suppressing emotions is the biggest mistake
Prof. Tarhan noted that silence is the most common mistake in toxic relationships: “The victim often suppresses everything, saying ‘let’s not cause trouble, the children shouldn’t be affected.’ This is the biggest mistake. What needs to be done is to set boundaries kindly. Saying ‘what you are doing is wrong, I do not approve of it, but I am enduring it for the future of our marriage’ prevents the other person from becoming defensive.”
Ego wars turn into the law of the jungle
Touching on ego conflicts in relationships, Prof. Tarhan said: “Some advice today suggests ‘if they shout, you shout back; if they throw something, you throw something too.’ This fuels ego wars. Where ego wars exist, the law of the jungle prevails. The strong crushes the weak. Whoever has more economic or physical power wins. Instead, the thinking brain, which is not the emotional brain, should be used. When the other person starts shouting, saying ‘could you speak more slowly, I want to understand you’ is very effective. Because it is impossible to shout and speak slowly at the same time. This activates the thinking brain and breaks the cycle of anger.”
Relationships that can withstand storms are long-lasting
Reminding that there are three stages in marriage, Nevzat Tarhan said: “The first stage is romance, the second stage is ego battles, and the third stage is commitment. The real breaking point occurs in the second stage. Couples who use problem-solving skills during this period move on to the stage of commitment. That is when a love that lasts a lifetime is born.”
Narcissists change when they hit a hard wall
Emphasizing that Cluster B personalities are closed to criticism, Prof. Tarhan stated: “Narcissistic, antisocial, and histrionic personalities perceive criticism as a threat. However, when they hit the hard wall of life, they begin to change. When they experience a narcissistic injury, they realize they are alone. They understand that the relationships around them are fake, because people love not them, but their interests. What these individuals value may be money, status, or family. When they see that what they value is at risk, they transform rapidly. When a spouse says ‘I’m leaving,’ a narcissistic partner suddenly begins self-criticism.”
In toxic relationships, sometimes two toxic individuals unite…
Tarhan explained that toxic relationships are not always one-sided: “A narcissistic person can unite with another person who also has toxic traits. Toxic relationships can also occur in borderline personalities. Split emotions such as saying ‘I hate you, damn you,’ and then immediately saying ‘don’t ever leave me’ are examples of this.”
Unresolved childhood trauma is like Mount Etna
Stating that childhood trauma is common in many toxic personalities, Prof. Tarhan said: “Unresolved trauma is like Mount Etna, that is, it sleeps, but one day it erupts. In psychotherapy, there are different coping methods: problem-focused, emotion-focused, bodily, and spiritual coping strategies. We use whichever is appropriate according to the individual’s personality profile. Today, positive psychotherapy has come to the forefront. That is, instead of drowning the person in past trauma, we strengthen defense mechanisms and increase ego strength.”
They are raised like the little rulers of the house
Prof. Tarhan noted that individuals with toxic personality traits can cause serious destruction both within families and in social life, saying: “These individuals lack empathy and are pleasure- and interest-oriented. Their brains have no ‘give’ button, but only a ‘take’ button.”
He added that toxic personalities are often shaped by incorrect upbringing in childhood: “If you look at their childhoods, everything was always presented to them on a silver platter. They were raised like the little rulers of the house, that is, princes and princesses, always taught to take. That is why they cannot see the pain or rights of others.”
They cannot tolerate criticism
Emphasizing their intolerance of criticism, Prof. Tarhan said: “These individuals see anyone who says ‘no’ to them as an enemy. They are not aware of the injustice they cause. Taking a critical stance against them requires courage. They enslave themselves to the powerful and crush the weak. They are interest-driven, lie without difficulty, and resort to manipulation. They divide people into friends and enemies and perceive those who do not obey as threats.”
Low self-confidence and fear of being ordinary
Although they appear strong from the outside, Prof. Tarhan stated that these individuals actually suffer from low self-confidence: “In the background, there is a fear of being ordinary. They feel inadequate and worthless, so they try to play the role of being powerful. When they experience narcissistic injury, they may become suicidal; sometimes they may even kill their spouse and then themselves.”
They fail in relationships
Prof. Tarhan emphasized that those who live with toxic personalities pay a heavy price: “In such cases, medication alone is not sufficient. Couple therapy, stress management, and relationship management training are required. If there is goodwill on both sides, a healthy relationship can be built step by step by following the golden mean. Recognizing mistakes and changing methods are essential. Otherwise, these individuals repeat the same conflicts over and over again. They may be very successful in logical intelligence, but because their emotional and social intelligence are low, they fail in relationships. If emotional literacy is not developed, they can harm even their closest ones. The solution lies in awareness, self-criticism, and learning the right methods.”
They appear like angels on the outside
Discussing subtypes of toxic personalities and narcissism, Prof. Tarhan said: “There are passive-aggressive narcissists who appear angelic to the outside world but are bullies at home. Some are perfectionist narcissists; they see themselves as flawless and try to dominate everyone through excessive control. There are also narcissists who play the role of being humble. They appear angelic until their interests are touched, and then they suddenly turn into monsters.”
To know a person, look at them under stress
Prof. Tarhan noted that narcissistic traits emerge most clearly in challenging situations: “A person’s true personality emerges during stress, loss, financial crisis, or a long journey. Masks fall in long-term relationships. To understand a person, one must look not only at their visible behavior, but also at how they act during crises.”
Those with attachment disorders become victims
Pointing out that individuals with attachment problems suffer the most in relationships with toxic personalities, Prof. Tarhan said: “These individuals have low self-confidence and cannot tolerate loneliness. Those who fail to form healthy attachment with their mother or father in childhood cling to the wrong people later in life. For them, a relationship is like a bandage. A bandage covers the wound but does not heal it; it hurts and bleeds, yet the person clings to the same relationship again. This is how pathological attachments form.”
Genetics is not destiny
Addressing the relationship between personality disorders, childhood trauma, and genetics, Prof. Tarhan concluded: “Genetics accounts for 30–40 percent, but the remaining 60–70 percent consists of epigenetic mechanisms which are incorrect behavioral patterns learned from the family. If a person becomes aware of these, they can change them. Life events and shocks are opportunities for transformation. A person who activates epigenetic mechanisms correctly can change their destiny.”