Prof. Nevzat Tarhan spoke in Rize on “The Role of the Family in the Digital Age”!

Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the way to protect family ties in the digital age is to establish trusting relationships, and said, “Motherhood and fatherhood mean not making our child happy, but preparing our child for life.” Tarhan stated that communicating with many people in digital environments does not eliminate loneliness, and added, “There are many connections, but no attachment. Where there is no secure attachment, people do not feel safe and happy.” 

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, met with the people of Rize at the Recep Tayyip Erdoğan University Congress and Culture Center during the talk titled “The Role of the Family in the Digital Age,” hosted by the Mehir Family Platform Rize Provincial Representation.

At the event held with the message “Family is the strongest foundation of the future,” Prof. Tarhan evaluated the impact of digital transformation on family relationships, young people's need for belonging, the use of artificial intelligence, child-rearing attitudes, and the importance of human values. 

“What flies the kite is the position taken against the wind”

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that digitalization harbors both threats and opportunities, and said that the attitude taken in the face of this transformation is decisive.

Prof. Tarhan, explaining digital transformation with a wind analogy, said, “A wind is coming, and we have a kite against the wind. We say, ‘The wind flies the kite.’ In fact, what flies the kite is not the wind, but the position taken against the wind. If you take the right position, the wind will fly your kite. If you take the wrong position, you will tumble head over heels. Currently, digitalization is also coming as a wind. We need to take the right position against this wind.”
Prof. Tarhan stated that smartphones, tablets, and televisions have become the gateways of the home to the outside world, and pointed out that children can encounter age-inappropriate content through these devices. Prof. Tarhan said, “We have an open door in the safe environment of our home. Our child enters wherever they want from there. This is a risk, but on the other hand, it can be an opportunity for them to develop themselves. We need to look at it from this perspective.”

“We must give new answers to old questions in this era”

Prof. Tarhan stated that the family's influence in the transmission of culture and values has changed with digitalization, and expressed that popular culture has entered children's lives more.

Prof. Tarhan emphasized that in order to establish healthy communication with children, the conditions of the era they live in must be understood, and said, “Our children are no longer our children; they are the children of this era. Therefore, we must give new answers to old questions in this era. If we give old answers to old questions, a distance will open between us and the child, and we will break away. How to be successful, how to be a good person, how to be happy? These are questions that have existed since human history. The same question, but a different method.”

Prof. Tarhan, describing the family as the “last fortress” and “last refuge” in the face of digital transformation, explained that protecting this refuge would not only be possible by drawing attention to external risks, but also by strengthening relationships within the family.

Freedom and belonging should develop together in university life

Prof. Tarhan stated that university is not just a place to acquire a profession, and said that this period is a process for young people to establish new relationships, socialize, and gain different perspectives.

Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of young people being able to maintain their ties with their families while individualizing, said, “They will both feel like they belong to the family and feel free. This is a period where they learn this balance. It’s not about breaking away from the family, but their belonging to the family continues. If they become dependent on their parents, they cannot achieve the socialization that university will bring. It is a process of differentiation.”

Tarhan stated that family belonging gains importance in this process, especially when faced with difficulties, and emphasized that young people should also maintain their reliable relationships that they can turn to when needed while forming new social circles.

“Technology gives speed to our lives, but values give direction”

Tarhan stated that technological progress and increased material opportunities alone do not provide happiness, and drew attention to the importance of values that guide human life.

Prof. Tarhan, saying, “Technology gives speed to our lives, but values give direction to our lives,” stated that moral development should be emphasized as much as academic success in education.

Prof. Tarhan stated that advising children to be only intelligent and hardworking is not enough, and continued as follows:

“Being intelligent and hardworking is not enough; a third parameter is needed. Intelligent, hardworking, but also morally good; virtue ethics. If we do not teach our children virtue ethics, intelligent, hardworking but skilled swindler masses will emerge. To prevent this, we need to teach the abandoned, forgotten human values: keeping promises, being honest, not lying, being helpful, sharing, and compromising. It needs to be taught at an early age, even during kindergarten.”

“A child constantly lectured at home does not want to come home”

Prof. Tarhan stated that whether the family is a safe haven for the child can be understood from what the child feels when coming home, and said that constant criticism and advice can weaken communication.

Prof. Tarhan explained that a judgmental attitude within the family can alienate children with these words:
“If a child comes home running, if a teenager comes home running, then home is a safe haven. But if they say, ‘When I enter the door, my mother will give a lecture, my father will give a lecture, a lecture every morning at breakfast,’ then the child does not want to come home. If they feel judged when they come home, if they feel like they are in court, they do not want to come to that home.”

Prof. Tarhan emphasized that parents being well-intentioned does not mean that their method is also correct, and used the expressions, “The practice of motherhood and fatherhood is wrong. The intention is good, but the method is wrong. You are doing harm to the child with good intentions.”

“The family should be a nest of trust”

Prof. Tarhan stated that trust is as decisive as love in family relationships, and explained the importance of unconditional acceptance and compassion.

Prof. Tarhan, saying, “We used to call the family a nest of love. The family is a nest of trust,” continued his words as follows:

“Sometimes there are selfish loves. They love, but they love their own interest in it. When they get old, when they get sick, they abandon. This means it’s a selfish love, conditional love. What is unconditional love? Being able to accept and love them as they are. There is a greater concept than love: compassion. Within compassion, there is a feeling of not hurting, and the ability to empathize.”

Honesty, responsibility, and sincerity are at the foundation of trust

Prof. Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of love, respect, loyalty, responsibility, and sincerity in marriage and family life, stated that trust is built through daily behaviors.

Prof. Tarhan, drawing attention to the relationship between loyalty and truthfulness, said, “Someone who is not truthful cannot show loyalty or build trust.” Tarhan also emphasized that marriage requires taking responsibility, and stated that lies and insincerity within the family damage the feeling of trust.

Prof. Tarhan noted that these values determine not only the relationship between spouses but also children's family experience, and said, “Trust is formed where there is openness and transparency. Where trust is formed, love grows, expands, and fear diminishes. What is a refuge? It is a place where you take shelter during a storm, where you feel safe.”

Answers received from artificial intelligence should be questioned

Prof. Tarhan, also touching upon the use of artificial intelligence in daily life during the talk, said that the distinction between answers generated in digital environments and real life should be maintained. Tarhan stated that some young people can accept the answers they receive in their communication with artificial intelligence as if they were evaluations from their relatives, and used the expressions, “They try to apply it as if they had spoken with their mother, father, or older brother.”

Tarhan emphasized the importance of the ability to ask the right questions and evaluate the given answers from different perspectives in the use of artificial intelligence, and made the following recommendation:

“When talking to artificial intelligence, it’s not about asking a question and taking it as it is. After asking this question, you will say: ‘Ask me three opposing questions related to this topic I mentioned.’ You are pitting artificial intelligence against itself. But for this, you also need basic knowledge. Asking the right question is the hardest thing.”

“Many connections, no attachment”

Prof. Tarhan, answering the question of why young people can feel lonely despite hundreds of online connections, emphasized that the number of people communicated with and the depth of the relationship are not the same thing.

Prof. Tarhan said, “There are many connections, but no attachment. Where there is no secure attachment, people do not feel safe and happy. Close relationships are important here.”

Prof. Tarhan stated that social relationships gain meaning especially in difficult times, and said, “There are many friends, but no true companions. Many connections, but no attachment. There is no secure attachment, no deep relationships. Where there are no deep relationships, a person feels lonely in a moment of crisis.”

Tarhan stated that friendship requires effort and time, and said, “How does friendship happen? Are you with them in their troubled times? If you do this, you become a friend. Can you listen to them? Then you become a friend. The most beautiful friendships emerge in difficult times. You then see true friendship as a few people by your side. We must appreciate the value of that friendship.”

Living in the same house does not mean being emotionally together

Tarhan stated that children need to be seen, listened to, and spend time together, and said, “Parents are in the same house. The mother has devoted herself to housework, to cleaning. The father has devoted himself to work life. There is no spending time together with the child. They are in the same house; abandonment without distance. No hitting, no violence, but there is a lack of communication with the child. Between mother and child, father and child. In such situations, the child grows up with the feeling ‘I am not loved.’”
Tarhan also pointed out that excessive protection and control over a child can have negative effects, stating that parents trying to eliminate every difficulty on behalf of the child can hinder self-confidence development, and used the expressions, “They start life timidly, fearfully. They lack self-confidence. They are afraid of making mistakes because parents act protectively on their behalf. Excessive protection and control look like compassion, but you are preventing the child's development.”

Prof. Tarhan, who also made evaluations regarding positive psychology and psychotherapy, pointed out the importance of protective and preventive work in mental health, and stated that it is valuable for families to seek support before problems escalate and to improve their communication skills.

“Love plus good cooperation, equals lifelong love”

Tarhan, also answering the question regarding young people's alienation from marriage and their concerns about marriage, emphasized the importance of a safe and sustainable relationship.

Prof. Tarhan stated that the cooperation spouses establish with each other is decisive in making marriage a safe space, and said, “Love plus good cooperation, equals lifelong love.”

Tarhan, also answering the question regarding grandparents bending family rules while raising children, said that grandparents telling their life experiences and children's need to ask questions and learn meet in this relationship, and emphasized that disagreements should not be addressed with accusatory language.

Prof. Tarhan stated that the emotional bond between older family members and children should be protected, and added that difficult topics can also be discussed with kindness and without hurting the other party.