Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: “Strong children grow up in strong families”

President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan was featured with an interview in Semerkand Family Magazine’s 250th special issue titled “Being a Family is Beautiful”. Addressing the transformation that the family institution faces today from psychological and social dimensions, Tarhan made important evaluations on many topics, from family communication in the digital age to raising children, from marriage to social solidarity. Tarhan emphasized that when the family is harmed, society actually loses blood, stating that protecting the family means protecting the future. Tarhan also underlined that strong children grow up in strong families.

In recent years, we see that the marriage age has been rising. In your opinion, what are the most fundamental reasons for this? 

In recent years, due to the prolongation of education, career planning, and economic factors, the average age for first marriage has been gradually increasing for both sexes. According to the Marriage and Divorce Statistics data announced by the Turkish Statistical Institute (TÜİK), in 2025, the average age for first marriage was 26.0 for women and 28.5 for men. 

Behind the rising marriage age are also cultural, psychological, and digital transformations. Especially in the digital age, young people have been confronted with a lifestyle that postpones the sense of belonging and prioritizes individual pleasure and comfort. Today, many young people perceive marriage not as an area of responsibility but as an institution that restricts their freedom.

Another important reason is the delay in marital maturity. Marriage is not just two people living together; it is the responsibility of building a new family. This requires emotional maturity, economic sufficiency, social adaptation, and a sense of responsibility. Unfortunately, modern culture teaches young people their rights but not adequately their responsibilities.

Furthermore, social media and digital platforms raise young people's expectations to an unrealistic level. People seek a perfect partner, a perfect relationship, and a flawless life. This makes decision-making difficult. However, marriage is not a consumer relationship but a relationship of effort and cooperation.

Today, it's not that young people are afraid of marriage, but rather that they evaluate marriage without sufficiently learning what it is, which is a bigger problem. For this reason, pre-marital education and marital maturity studies are of great importance.

First and foremost, economic uncertainties are a significant factor. Young people spend more time finding jobs, building careers, and gaining economic independence after completing their education. Since marriage is an institution that requires responsibility, they do not want to marry before achieving economic security.

Secondly, the extension of the education period increases the marriage age. Especially master's, doctoral, and professional specialization processes lead young people to postpone their marriage decisions to later ages.

Another important reason is the increase in individualism. In modern culture, personal freedom, self-realization, and individual goals have come to the forefront. Young people prefer to get to know themselves first, establish their careers and lifestyles, and view marriage as a later stage. From a psychological perspective, high expectations and the search for a perfect partner are noteworthy. Social media and digital communication environments have raised people's expectations for an ideal relationship and ideal partner. This situation complicates the decision-making process and can delay marriages.
Additionally, today's young people can be influenced by unsuccessful marriage examples of their parents or those around them. The increased visibility of divorce rates creates a cautious approach to marriage in some individuals, strengthening the idea that 'it is better to marry late than to make the wrong marriage'.

However, the rising marriage age should not be evaluated entirely negatively. A person marrying after achieving emotional maturity, knowing themselves, and making a conscious choice can increase the quality of the marriage. But constantly postponing marriage and turning it into a fear of commitment also poses a separate risk.

What is important is not so much the age of marriage, but rather a person's psychological maturity, capacity to take responsibility, and ability to form healthy relationships. The foundation of strong marriages is not the age on an ID card, but emotional and social maturity.

Today, the outside world is brought into homes, dinner tables, and family relationships through phones and tablets. In your opinion, how does this situation affect family communication? What steps can families take to prevent the resulting harm?

Throughout history, the family has been the most important institution for the transfer of values. However, today it largely has to share this role with social media and digital platforms. While children used to learn about life from their parents, today they have started learning from algorithms.

Phones and tablets bring family members together physically in the same environment, but can mentally distance them from each other. People sitting at the same table can live in different worlds. Over time, this situation weakens empathy, emotional sharing, and the trust relationship within the family.

We call this the disruption of the family ecosystem. When the family ecosystem weakens, children's psychological resilience is also harmed. Because children learn not only what is said but also what is experienced.

For this, families first need to establish digital discipline. Especially dinner tables and family conversations should be made screen-free zones. Parents should be role models themselves before their children. Because children imitate behavior more than advice.

Especially children up to the age of 3 should not be given digital screens. Afterwards, age-appropriate and controlled use should be ensured. In addition, simply imposing prohibitions on children is not enough. They should be given a sense of meaning, belonging, social relationships, and real-life skills.

Today, the duty of families is not only to protect their children, but also to ensure their existence as conscious individuals in the digital world.

Unfortunately, we are in a period where divorce rates are increasing. In your opinion, what are the most important values and dynamics that sustain a marriage for many years?

The biggest misconception in marriage is thinking that love is the fundamental element that sustains marriage. Love is often not the cause but the result of marriage. Our formula is this: Love + Cooperation = Lifelong Love.

The fundamental elements that sustain a marriage are the values we express as 5S: Love, Respect, Patience, Loyalty, and Sincerity. At their core, there should be a sense of spiritual meaning.

Without love, intimacy cannot be established. Without respect, personalities cannot be protected. Without patience, crises cannot be overcome. Without loyalty, trust cannot be formed.

And without sincerity, a real bond cannot be established.

Unrealistic expectations, meaning incorrect expectations, are a cause of crisis. Similarly, there are expectations in marriage. In marriage, there are expectations related to the spouse and to life. Life is not what a person imagines and wants to live, but what they encounter and experience. Life is not a concept that always goes as a person plans. Life is not a concept that a person can decide on alone. In marriage, there is no longer just one person, but two. A person will no longer see with two eyes, but with four eyes. They will not hear with two ears, but with four ears. Such harmony needs to be created.

In marriage, it is very important to remain 'I' while becoming 'we'. Spouses should try to understand each other instead of trying to change each other. The biggest enemy of marriage is stubbornness. Stubbornness stems from selfishness. If a person always says 'I know', they are egocentric. Their biggest characteristic is a lack of empathy. These types of people cannot read and understand the other party's feelings and needs. Stubborn people cannot look from the other party's perspective; they have sanctified their egos. Therefore, stubbornness and selfishness are the enemies of marriage.

In a healthy marriage, there is a unity of mind and heart. Healthy marriages have common goals. We call this 'being able to look in the same direction'. Marriage is a journey. Fellow travelers may encounter storms from time to time, but instead of abandoning the ship, they try to correct the course together.

The secret to long-lasting marriages is not finding a perfect spouse, but learning to live with imperfections.

We observe a decline in fertility rates in our country. What could be the reasons for postponing the decision to have children? How can these reasons be overcome?

The decline in fertility rates is not a situation that can be explained solely by economic reasons. Of course, economic concerns are important, but the issue is deeper than that.

Individualism has increased today. People have started to shy away from long-term responsibilities. Raising children requires sacrifice, patience, and effort.

Modern culture, on the other hand, prioritizes instant pleasures and individual happiness.

In the West, divorce and out-of-wedlock birth rates have increased. In the West, divorce rates and out-of-wedlock birth rates are over 50%, while in Turkey, according to 2025 TÜİK statistics, 34% of divorces occurred within the first 5 years of marriage. Unfortunately, the Western disease has now entered Turkey as well.
Another reason is the loss of trust in the institution of family. The increase in divorce rates can lead young people to approach marriage and parenthood more cautiously.

However, having children is not merely a biological process; it is also a journey of self-transcendence. A person feels a deeper happiness not only when living for themselves but also when creating meaning for others.

Therefore, strengthening family-friendly social policies, providing support to working parents, and enhancing the reputation of the family institution in society are important. Furthermore, young people should be informed that forming a family is not only an economic but also a psychological and social investment.

When the family is strong, society is also strong. Because the smallest unit of society is the family, and the most valuable product of the family is healthy-raised children.

With the influence of the digital world, protecting children and young people from risks such as violence, substance addiction, and digital addiction is also becoming more difficult. What advice would you give to parents in the face of this situation? 

Today, we need to protect our children not only from dangers in the street but also from invisible dangers within screens. Because it has now become very easy to access children's mental world.

However, the solution is not just to prohibit. Prohibitions may work in the short term but do not provide lasting protection. The real task is to build psychological resilience in children.

This is also the main goal of positive psychology. A child with psychological resilience can say 'no' to the risks they encounter. Because their own value system has been formed.

Parents need to spend more quality time with their children. Especially during adolescence, communication bridges should be kept open. Instead of pressure, threats, and intimidation, methods of persuasion, convincing, and endearment should be used.

It is not enough to just tell children 'substances are bad'. They need to be taught stress management, a sense of meaning, gratitude, empathy, and problem-solving. Because addictions are often based on a feeling of emptiness and a lack of meaning.

Additionally, children's activities in the digital world should be monitored in an age-appropriate manner, but this monitoring should not turn into an oversight that harms the trust relationship. The goal is not to control, but to guide.

We are seriously facing the possibility of losing our national identity. The body consists of billions of cells. Society also consists of millions of families. If a cell malfunctions, cancer develops. If the family is not healthy, decay begins in that society. Harm to the family actually means society is losing blood. The family is the primary institution that teaches values.

It should not be forgotten that strong children grow up in strong families. Strong families are those where there is love, trust, and communication. Protecting the family is protecting the future.