Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, was a guest of the “Istanbul Talks” program organized by the Memur-Sen Istanbul Women's Commission. In the program, Tarhan made evaluations on 'The Importance of Women and Mothers in Societal Development'; “If there is no love, fear takes its place. Love and fear are like black and white, darkness and light. In children of that age, where there is no love, there is fear. When fear increases, trust decreases. When love increases, fear decreases, trust rises. There is such a balance between love, fear, and trust. If parents try to correct each other in this balance, ego wars begin. In this situation, the children are the ones who suffer the most.” he said.
“A person getting married must have marital responsibility and maturity”
In the program moderated by Exp. Clin. Psy. Müjde Yahşi, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that children model the parent-child relationship as they grow up, and that in situations where the parent-child relationship is not healthy, the child is not in a psychologically safe environment. Tarhan; “For children between 0-3 years old, nothing can replace the mother. Even the father cannot fill this void. The mother is like a symbol of compassion and love. The seeds that parents will jointly give to the child are planted between 0-3 years old. The period after this age range is important, but not as much. Therefore, our national policy regarding 0-3 years old is currently on paper, and has never been implemented. In a movie, a mother picks up her child from school, and the child tells his mother that he fought at school. When the mother asks why, the child says; 'They said your dad left home because he doesn't love you.' Thereupon, without badmouthing the father, the mother says, 'Son, when a child is born, a second package, the size of a child, comes home with them. Inside that package, there is something called responsibility. Your dad left because of what was inside that package. Not because he didn't love you.' The child understands that his father left because of that package. The mother explains, without hurting the child, that the father had no responsibility, how selfish he was, how far removed he was from marital responsibility, and that the situation we call marital maturity did not exist at all. Based on this, a person getting married must have marital responsibility and marital maturity. If this is missing, they will experience the biggest problem. There is a scale called the marital maturity scale. Therefore, couples deciding to marry should have both themselves and their partners apply this.” he said.
“When love increases, fear decreases, trust rises”
Stating that fear decreases where there is love, Tarhan; “If there is no love, fear takes its place. Love and fear are like black and white, darkness and light. In children of that age, where there is no love, there is fear. When fear increases, trust decreases. When love increases, fear decreases, trust rises. There is such a balance between love, fear, and trust. If parents try to correct each other in this balance, ego wars begin. In this situation, the children are the ones who suffer the most. If both the mother and father are working, it is necessary to act fairly in child care and housework in such situations. The magic word here is fair sharing. However, a secure relationship is very important for children aged 0-3. If the mother has to work at these ages, a trustworthy person who can substitute for the mother is needed during the day. For example, if the maternal grandmother looks after the child during the day and the mother at night, there is no problem if the child gets used to this dual care after a while. But if people with constantly different holding styles, different ways of speaking, and different ways of meeting needs look after the child, a secure attachment to life cannot be formed in the child. If both parents are working, they must send their child to kindergarten after the age of 3. Because kindergarten is the child's biggest learning environment. Learning while playing with friends in kindergarten is much better than staying at home with a babysitter.” he said.
“A child is a plastic being”
Tarhan; “If the mother has to work, she must definitely say goodbye to her child when she leaves for work in the morning. Generally, mothers quietly slip away while the child is sleeping. Besides this, a bribery behavior emerges in the mother. She feels guilty for not being able to spend time with the child all day and comes home with many gifts in the evening. This time, the child starts looking at the toys instead of the mother. The mother begins to negatively affect the child's education to satisfy her own emotions. After the age of one, the child already starts to accept saying goodbye. At first, they cry, but crying, they accept it. It is more ideal to give the child confidence and say goodbye before leaving. Mothers generally prefer to put their child to sleep and then leave. This is a situation that causes anxiety in the child. Some families are lucky because they find helpers who love their child as if they were their own. They take very good care of them. In that case, there is really no major negative impact on the child. A child is a very plastic being; they adapt easily to new situations.” he said.