Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan: “Good children grow up in homes with rules and dreams”

Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, participated as a speaker in the “Family” seminar organized by İlim İrfan Academy. While there was great interest in the online event, Tarhan drew attention to the fact that modernism and digitalization threaten the family. Stating that good children grow up in homes with rules and dreams, Tarhan also emphasized the importance of quality companionship and trust in the family to protect against the fake world.  

“We must spread the truth through the internet”

Emphasizing the digital aspect of our age, Tarhan touched upon the importance of using technology to spread the truth. Tarhan said; “In the 21st century, along with the speed of information production, the speed of information connectivity has also increased. With the advent of the internet, everything converted to digital format became transferable. Right now, you produce a model, a pen, you turn it into a vibration, and a 3D printer on the other side produces the exact same pen from the computer. This means the transfer of information. Images, sounds, and smells can be transferred. Digital paths have become the information highways of our world. There are hidden agenda items in the meetings held in Davos. It is known that a decision was made in the last meeting stating, ‘Artificial intelligence is the new earthly god.’ What does God do? Controls everything and is absolute power. The power that controls everything is called divine power. The message given is that with artificial intelligence, we will be able to control everything. In fact, they plan to control everything with chips; soon, those without a chip passport or chip ID will not even be able to board a plane. We are currently moving in this direction. Identity cards all over the world have become like this, making life easier. We also voluntarily use these technologies and even feel the need to use them. If we are not dominant on digital platforms, but they are; then they become the subject, and we become the object. The pandemic caused a major change in internet usage habits worldwide. Before the pandemic, there were those who rejected internet use. If we use the internet so comfortably now, we owe it to the pandemic. We will be able to spread the truths we have by using the internet. Fate has given us such an opportunity. In the past, the internet was under the control of great powers. Today, where there is so much social mobility and information mobility, prohibitions can no longer yield results.”

“Technology, when used correctly, is an opportunity, not a threat, for the family”

Stating that technology, when used correctly, is an opportunity, not a threat, for the family, Tarhan emphasized the need to rebuild technology with our own values to rescue it from the manipulation of malicious individuals. Tarhan said; “The digital age has become an era for us where social mobility, economic mobility, monetary mobility, and most importantly, information mobility have emerged in a very different way. Even within the same home, parents and children communicate via WhatsApp. These things have made life easier, but while making life easier, we must not lose our humanity. Technology is neutral. If we use it for good purposes, it serves truth and righteousness. If we use it for wrong purposes or are lazy, it remains in the hands of malicious individuals. Therefore, the digital age is not a threat; the digital age is an opportunity, and it is the same for the family. We must build technology not through the keywords they offer, but through the keywords we desire. We need to establish our own network of relationships, a network of communication. The best way in such situations is through persuasion and conviction. People of this age do not understand pressure, threat, intimidation, and suppression. People of this era can be educated through persuasion and conviction. The digital age offers us tremendous opportunities and conveniences for communication. Young people use this very well; I trust young people much more in this regard. We are the radio generation, then the television generation emerged. Now, the third generation is the social media generation. Technological tools have shaped these generations. In human history, humans have never been so intertwined with technology. Since we are the radio generation, we are immigrants of this digital age; these young people are its natives. They were born into it and can learn it easily at a young age. For this, we need to exert more effort. If we exert effort, we will make a difference compared to our peers. For this, we can follow these innovations and plant beautiful seeds in the minds, hearts, and souls of at least a few people. The digital age offers such convenience and opportunity. The digital age can be instrumental for very good things for us.”

“Good children grow up in homes with rules and dreams”

Stating the need to provide a warm family environment to protect children from addiction, Tarhan underlined that good children grow up in homes with rules and dreams. Tarhan said; “When a person loses the sense of control, it means addiction has begun. If they have lost a sense of control that would change their daily lifestyle, addiction has begun. In which families, which individuals does this happen? Mostly unhappy individuals, in weak families. Bad friends, weak family ties, no conversation, no affection, the home is not a warm family environment, the child does not come home willingly, the spouse does not come home willingly, and even when they come home, they are always questioned and judged as if they are going to court. In such an environment, the child seeks an object of pleasure in their hand. What is that object of pleasure? Technology and other factors today. That’s why we call the screen ‘the open door of the house.’ You see, a person starts screen addiction. If family ties are good, if there is a warm environment, if there is conversation and sharing at home, the child does not become addicted; they use it at a normal level, and they see that life can be lived without a screen in the family. Let’s not fear if they will become addicted after providing a warm environment at home. If a quality relationship, which we call voluntary obedience rather than fear-based obedience, emerges with our children, if a warm atmosphere emerges at home, the child does not easily choose evil. Even if they try once or twice, they choose what is right, but for this, the home must be a rule-based environment. Good children grow up in homes with rules and dreams.”

“Quality companionship and trust in the family are important to protect from the fake world”

Emphasizing the importance of being a role model in child education, Tarhan stated that children raised with quality companionship and a trusting relationship can distinguish between right and wrong. Tarhan said; “We are truly in a terrible century. There are one or two reasons that lead to truth: our sincerity and good intentions. By communicating with children in this way, it is necessary to find the language they understand. If we find this, addiction ceases to be a threat to us. But you can give this to a child up to the age of 10, it's difficult after 10. After the age of 10, the child comes more under the influence of society; it is necessary to establish a trusting relationship with the child up to the age of 10. If you establish a trusting relationship, when the child says, 'it's either my parents or this fake world,' they can push the fake world away with the back of their hand. For them to be able to push the fake world away with the back of their hand, we need to establish a quality companionship, a quality trusting relationship with the child. We are in an age where our primary responsibility as parents is to see if we are role models, if we can set an example. Ibn-i Haldun says; ‘There is no need for a special effort to educate your child, your child will be as you are.’ The child is interested in the language of behavior, not the language of words. Not what is told, but what is done settles in the child's developing soul and grows like a seed in that developing soul. But not only parents raise children. The child takes three things as examples: their mother, their father, and the relationship between their mother and father. If these three examples are good, the child gains a 60-70 percent advantage in personality development. Above all, let's not raise children in a bell jar, like greenhouse flowers. Let them see the realities of life. Therefore, first, we as parents need to be good examples and be able to tell the truth through the language of behavior and the language of state.”

“We try to control our children”

Stating that companionship on the journey of life is much more effective than preaching and advice in child education, Tarhan conveyed that the child-centric social structure produces ‘selfish’ individuals. Tarhan said; “To tell our child good and beautiful things, every event should be turned into an opportunity. Instead of turning a breakfast into a conference or a sermon, we should be like a companion to them on the path of life. We try to control our child. We try to take their place and be like a captain, whereas we should be like a pilot. The child will be at the helm, but we must guide them by saying, ‘if you do this, this will happen; if you do that, that will happen.’ When we do this, they learn life. Being a companion in life is important. When you try to take their place and manage their ship, they get used to laziness and taking the easy way out. They try to obtain things without effort, without getting tired. One of the signs of the End Times is mentioned in the Hadith, saying, ‘In the End Times, children will be the masters of the house.’ Currently, not matriarchal nor patriarchal, but child-centric families have increased. The child has become the leader of the house; in other words, everything revolves around them. They have become the small ruler of the house. In such situations, when the child grows up, they become selfish. A child who performs prayers and ablutions, but is extremely selfish. Selfish people experience reality blindness; they always expect special attention, appreciation, praise, and approval. When they don’t get it, they withdraw.”

“Between truth and humanity, a new birth can happen at any moment”

Conveying that we live in an age of wisdom and truth, Tarhan stated that one should not be hopeless in such an era, emphasizing that humanity is getting closer to finding the truth every moment. Tarhan said; “Values are not taught by giving values conferences. Values are taught through value-rich education. You will teach this within mathematics, physics, chemistry, even within a scientific format, within scientific methodology. For example, in schools in America, in middle school, high school, and elementary school, they take children and say, ‘Let's go for Mindfulness training.’ What they call Mindfulness is completely like meditation, teaching relaxation techniques related to believing in a higher value, a higher power, and relaxing. They have started to use this as a remedy; I say this because they have come very close to finding the truth. If we had not been a bad example in living Islam, rest assured they would have found it; perhaps they will find it but cannot declare it much. Therefore, one should not be pessimistic in this age; I believe a new birth can happen between truth and us at any moment. Spiritual discoveries can happen in humanity at any moment. Here, unfortunately, as Eastern societies, we believe that people will improve from top to bottom, but prophetic ethics are not like that. What are prophetic ethics, the prophetic style? The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) conveys truths through persuasion and conviction, and believers increase by winning people’s hearts. The prophetic method is for people to improve from the bottom up, but we always see them trying to improve people from top to bottom through politics. Because this generation is an age of freedom, an age of questioning, young people hate authoritarian approaches, the path of pressure, threat, fear, and intimidation, and they move away from the truth they hold. There will be a revolution in the direction of good and beauty, it will be in hearts, in eyes, in minds, in souls, we will see this, God willing. Even if we don’t see it, our children will see it, God willing. With authoritarian approaches, we cannot convey the truths we hold in this age.”